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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kara lynne on November 23, 2003, at 2:15:18
I feel like there isn't anyone I can call this late, which makes me want to call my ex. I don't think I will, but I'm feeling a little obsessively panicked, like I might.
I haven't seen him in six months. I felt like I didn't see him when I was with him, so I'm not missing much. But I feel like I'm missing a lot.
I don't know how I'll ever meet anyone else. I went for many years alone before I met my ex. I don't want many more years alone.
Posted by JimD on November 23, 2003, at 5:16:36
In reply to Saturday night, lonely, posted by kara lynne on November 23, 2003, at 2:15:18
i'm in the same boat as you...not sure what to do about the way that I feel, but think I should share it.
So, the mess that has become my 'personal life' just seems to get continually worse. My ex, who I broke up with over a year ago but have continued to mess around in the interm, making for what has been a rather unhealthy 'quasi-relationship,' and I are having major issues lately. He's started dating someone who is a complete sleezeball. Two separate issues exist as a result: 1. I am hurt by the fact that he's seeing someone else; 2. I am upset that this someone else is who it is.
I'm not sure exactly what to do with myself. My ex is not only my ex, but probably my closest friend. I still love him, and I can't help wanting to be with him. I also can't help not wanting to be his friend while he is seeing someone else. We've had a couple of long, serious 'feelings' conversations about things in the past week, but it doesn't seem to help. I suppose it is nice to get it all out in the open, but the 'resolution' that we reach is not one that makes me feel particularly good. He comes up with "I love you, but I don't want to be together" type of BS, that just leaves me feeling more exposed than before.
My problem is this: I can't be friends with him while he's dating someone else, but I can't shove him out of my life. He means so much to me, and is pretty much in the exact same social circles as I am...making it even more difficult, as complete avoidance is pretty much impossible.
I feel like I have a big decision to make: how do I cope with this? Can I be his friend knowing that he's going home with someone else? Or do I simply need to force distance between us? I feel as though I'm losing either way. I've never been so sad.
Posted by sienna on November 23, 2003, at 11:47:27
In reply to Saturday night, lonely, posted by kara lynne on November 23, 2003, at 2:15:18
hi kara lynne
man i wish i had been here when you posted.
i think i must have been asleep. I do know how you feel. i didnt have someone for such a long long time and then i met my boyfriend. see its a hard situation because, it feels like you will never meet someone, but the thing is you will. because as long as you live you will keep meeting people and its impossible to say where and when.i know how it feels though becuase with my bf being mean to me sometimes and i just will put up with a lot because i wnat him to stay, but its the wrong way to go about things.
You are smart and funny and interesteing and i know you will meet someone else, same as i would. ITs just hard to believe that i know.
Do you have some hobbies where you might meet people? I think that helps some.
Sienna
Posted by sienna on November 23, 2003, at 11:50:06
In reply to Up at 5AM, posted by JimD on November 23, 2003, at 5:16:36
hi Jim,
Its reallly up to you, but I have had that situation and what i did was put space between me and that person for a while. And hang out with my other friends. Stay busy. Dont mess around with him. My other ex and i didnt talk or hang out for two years and now we are good friends again. Its amazing what time will do.
Sienna
Posted by octopusprime on November 23, 2003, at 12:39:44
In reply to Saturday night, lonely, posted by kara lynne on November 23, 2003, at 2:15:18
kara lynne, i wish i was checking the board at that time!
since i am on the west coast, 2:15 chicago time is 12:15 my time, which is really not so late at all. (i think i was folding my laundry; i'm such a cool kid doing my laundry on a saturday night :p)
being unable to sleep in the middle of the night is the worst. tv is lousy then. my brain gets too fried to think straight. and you get those lousy thoughts, the alone forever thoughts, etc. etc.
anyhoo i hope you are feeling better this morn. if you like, send an email to marilyn 2345 at microsoft's sassy email server (hotmail) dot com and i'll add you to my IM list - send me a message in the middle of the night, i stay up late :)
and i second sierra's suggestion about hobbies where you meet people - while it's not like i've found a date through my drumming, becoming a part of a community that drums is one of the best things i've done for myself in a long time. also finding work will help with the social isolation - the people at my job are very nice and i do see some of them socially.
good luck.
Posted by kara lynne on November 23, 2003, at 14:07:38
In reply to Re: Up at 5AM » JimD, posted by sienna on November 23, 2003, at 11:50:06
Hi Jim,
I guess that's what I'm trying to do, put space between me and the ex. For me I don't see how there will be any other way to get on with my life. I understand when you say you have never been so sad, but staying attached means staying attached to all the conflict and sorrow as well. I have no answers. I'm not doing well after almost six months. I feel like I should be much better than I am right now, but maybe it's worse because of all the expectations around the holidays.Last night I kept picturing him with someone else and that killed me. But I had to talk myself out of calling him...to what, hear him confirm it? Deny it? Lie about it? Either way it's a lose lose.
I wasn't happy when I was with him. I don't know why it's this hard to be without him.
Good luck. If I was your mother (and we got along) I would tell you to stop messing around with him and run as fast and far as you could. Best friendships shouldn't hurt you.
Posted by kara lynne on November 23, 2003, at 14:08:33
In reply to Re: Saturday night, lonely, posted by octopusprime on November 23, 2003, at 12:39:44
I will do that octo, thanks. And I'm on the West Coast!
Posted by kara lynne on November 23, 2003, at 14:16:52
In reply to Re: Saturday night, lonely » kara lynne, posted by sienna on November 23, 2003, at 11:47:27
Hi sienna,
Thanks for writing. It helps to wake up and find messages. I was asking my friend the other day, What if I never find another boyfriend? What if this is it? It could happen. I sure hope I do, it seems like I should, but it feels like I won't.I hate having to incline back toward something I had to compromise so much for. And the reality is that it's far easier for men, especially in his profession, to find women for the rest of their lives. I have to remind myself of the prize they'll be getting to talk myself down.
My only hobby lately has been sleeping, and it's really hard to meet people that way. I'll have to work on my telepathy.
(((sienna)))
Posted by sienna on November 24, 2003, at 15:46:13
In reply to Re: Saturday night, lonely/ sienna, posted by kara lynne on November 23, 2003, at 14:16:52
you said what if i never find another boyfriend....hmm, well i guess the possiblity is there, but i always think that, then always turn up with one sooner or later. granted i have gone years being single, but then lo and behold, i have a boyfriend again. generally i tend to have year or so long relationships with droughts of a year or two in between. maybe think about your pattern? i know that this time i vowed that if i broke up with my bf i would keep my social scene up and keep meeting people and try to keep dating. but who knows if that is really what works.
kara lynne, you seem a lot like me, i feel like we are around the same age with some of the same type problems. honestly you seem smart and funny and really cool to me and im sure others see that in you too. i always feel like im uninteresting and such, but deep down i know it isnt true.
dating is reallyhard these days i think it is harder where we live. (i dont really know *where* you live, just the state). i know about
the compromsie thing too. i am compromising, but i feel like there really isnt anything better out there. people tell me im not right, but its hard.im sorry you are feeling so crappy. but really if this guy isnt good to you, then thats the bottom line. i have laid out that to my guy too. basically told him that i can deal with plenty but he has to ultimately be good to me and if not that then im walking away. even if I am walking away to the loneliness of my empty house.
oh i am blah blah im sorry. ive just thought so much about all this lately. you are in my thoughts knowing you are dealing with this stuff too.
do you have some single girlfriends you can hang with for a bit? sometimes that helps. anyhoo, i hope you are feeling a bit better. let me know if you get anywhere with the telepathy. ((((((kara lynne)))))
sienna
Posted by kara lynne on November 24, 2003, at 19:42:17
In reply to Re: Saturday night, lonely/ sienna » kara lynne, posted by sienna on November 24, 2003, at 15:46:13
Dear sienna,
Thank you, I love your blah blah. There is really no good reason for this obsession, unless I really don't ever find anyone else. And even then some would argue. I do think we seem alike too, except and unfortunately for the age part--that's just you sensing my arrested emotional development. I never thought it would be an issue, but here I am feeling like it's too late and I never caught up with myself.Oh but I blah blah myself. Fallsfall reminds me that I was not happy when I was with him, and suggests I go back and read some of my old posts. I think I will---if I can stomach it.
It's just a default obsession, I guess. And I still can't help being drawn to the qualities that drew me to him in the first place. But bottom line--I wasn't happy, he got mean, it wasn't going anywhere. It is just so hard not to equate the failure of the relationship with my being unworthy.
I am trying to get out, and get out of bed. Last night I saw Love Actually, but my friend and I agreed it further augmented our singleness. I think my next movie is going to be Bad Christmas, or whatever that one with Billy Bob Thornton is. That way I'm guaranteed not to get too sentimental.
You know how you measure things in terms of years...like I keep thinking where I was with him last year, yadda yadda. But here I am now, trying to accept that it's over.
I have to do something to feel stronger and better about myself, whatever that may be. Preferably I would be able to do it lying down.
I'm glad you're clear with your guy about what you will and will not put up with. You sound a lot stronger yourself. Thank you for sharing some of that strength over my way...
((((sienna))))
Posted by tabitha on November 24, 2003, at 23:00:37
In reply to Re: Saturday night, lonely/ sienna, posted by kara lynne on November 24, 2003, at 19:42:17
May I suggest the movie Master and Commander? Russell Crowe... blond! And in command! And masterful! And some cute young guys too. No women in sight. I thought the whole thing was kind of homoerotic-- in a good way. Definitely not one of those movies to make you feel resentful of the wonderful spunky thin female characters who find love so effortlessly. I sat in the 3rd row, the lonely woman with her popcorn and milk duds.. and the 20 foot blond Russell Crowe! What a pleasant 3 hours.
Posted by sienna on November 27, 2003, at 12:40:17
In reply to Re: Saturday night, lonely/ sienna, posted by kara lynne on November 24, 2003, at 19:42:17
hi kara lynne,
im going to get some coffee then ill be here for a bit so i can write more. maybe you are around today or hanging with some buds? im chillin with my homies, just kidding, im goign to hang out with a couple people later and we are going to attempt to cook hehe. anyhoo, hope yoyu are feeling good today.
Sienna
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