![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Susan J on October 20, 2003, at 12:43:32
Some of you may have seen my posts on this. Long story short, sis-in-law is up and leaving my brother for no apparent reason, leaving her son behind, and is just plain freaking out. I think she's depressed, but what do I know? She seems very angry at my brother but cannot articulate why, other than he is no fun anymore.
This is why she's driving me insane:
She wants to move out. Won't say a civil word to my brother. Won't spend time with her 2-year-old. Brother tells her, OK, move out. She says she needs *his* help. Wants *him* to shop around for apartments, set her up in something. She's letting my brother continue to handle all finances, and she's signing her paycheck over to him. She absolutely doesn't want to have any responsibility for *anything.* She just wants to live separately but let my brother take care of everything. (She'll be paying for the apt., but by way of giving her paycheck to my brother, who will then write out all the bills).
She refuses to get any type of counseling until she moves out.
Anyone have a *clue* what's going on here? If I were desperate to escape my spouse and have my independence, *I* personally would want my financial independence to....I just don't get it.
Susan
Posted by fallsfall on October 20, 2003, at 15:25:03
In reply to Sis-in-law is driving me absolutely buggy!, posted by Susan J on October 20, 2003, at 12:43:32
Definately weird. Can she move back in with Mommy? Sounds like someone should be taking care of her, but I'm not sure that it should be your brother.
Posted by Dinah on October 20, 2003, at 16:16:32
In reply to Sis-in-law is driving me absolutely buggy!, posted by Susan J on October 20, 2003, at 12:43:32
Well, she's obviously got a few problems right now. But don't let her get to be one of yours.
She and your brother will work it out. Or they won't. It doesn't sound like she really wants to cut the strings, just get away. Perhaps the marriage counseling (when she's off on her own) will get her the help she and your brother need for the sake of their child.
In the meantime, try to be the bestest Auntie Susan you can be. There's not much you can do for the grownups but you can try to be there for the little one.
Posted by DharmaMama on October 22, 2003, at 13:10:26
In reply to Sis-in-law is driving me absolutely buggy!, posted by Susan J on October 20, 2003, at 12:43:32
I definitely agree with Dinah. Do not get involved. You may feel compelled to help, it is your brother. At the most maybe lend an ear, shoulder to cry on but do not get too involved.
She obviously does not want cut the strings. To give you some insight: For some odd reason, I can relate to what I read. I have two girls I absolutely adore. There have been times when I just wanted to leave home. Not because I did not love my kids. Just because I was at my wits ends. I work fulltime, have the bulk of the house work, the two kids, soccer . . . I know typical parent's daily routine. With underlying issues and depression, it weighs on you. I was overwhelmed and basically lost it. I was depressed, felt like my life was going nowehere, my husband works nearly 24/7, and I could not find solitude. I was not interested in my husband anymore. Not interested in my kids. Yet, I loved them and would not let anything or anyone harm them.
I just needed time away.
Fortunately, I got that when we went to visit his family for a month in New Zealand. Yeah, it was with family but we did camp for 16 nights traveling the country.
There were times when I flipped out and left home for a night and slept on the beach. Just out of anger and the need to get away. I felt bad.
Maybe with her time away and possibly some family counseling, she will come around. I hope so. That Mama will be in my thoughts.
Posted by Susan J on October 22, 2003, at 13:21:36
In reply to Re: Sis-in-law is driving me absolutely buggy!, posted by DharmaMama on October 22, 2003, at 13:10:26
Hi,
>>To give you some insight: For some odd reason, I can relate to what I read. I have two girls I absolutely adore. There have been times when I just wanted to leave home.
<<I think a lot of my frustration is that I *know* that whatever she is feeling is absolutely normal and justified. I don't have kids, never have, but just the notion of having them, being entirely responsible for them to the neglect of yourself, is enough to wear me out just thinking about it. But I also think she can get happy and stay in the marriage, and let my nephew keep an intact family. I'm not involved at all, though. Dinah said something about giving lotsa love to my little nephew, that there's not much you can do for adults, but you can help the little kids. And we've all been doing that. We're being very supportive of my brother, too. My sis-in-law has NO ONE, though. Her family's a mess, and she won't even talk to us....>>Not because I did not love my kids. Just because I was at my wits ends.
<<Totally understandable. !!> Maybe with her time away and possibly some family counseling, she will come around. I hope so. That Mama will be in my thoughts.
<<I think that scares me, too. She's done so much wide-spread emotional damage and just about destroyed my brother emotionally, what happens if she *does* realize she could've been happy in the marriage and still been her own human being, etc.? My brother won't go back if his love is killed. I don't know at what point that might occur.It's weird to be really angry at someone, and love her at the same time and want to help. It's just all so sad.
Susan
Posted by Liligoth on October 26, 2003, at 21:14:25
In reply to Sis-in-law is driving me absolutely buggy!, posted by Susan J on October 20, 2003, at 12:43:32
good lord! was their relationship like this all along with her as the dependent 'child' & he the 'daddy' figure? If so then maybe it's all too complicated between them with them both getting certain needs met with this kind of interaction that any attempts to help will be futile. If not then it sounds as if she has had some kind of breakdown & needs some help. If this is the case their may be hope for their marriage. It's awful I know to see someone you love getting torn up by someone else & it is so hard to know when to stay out & when to butt in.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.