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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Penny on August 5, 2003, at 14:21:12
I am so jittery and nervous as a cat. I hate hate hate feeling this way. I can't even breathe, feel like I'm gasping for air.
I feel like a lost little girl, except that I'm not - I'm a grown woman, but I just don't feel that way.
Thanks again, all, for your concern last week. My week in the psych ward was an interesting one to say the least. Gave me a different perspective on things. Met some really good people (patients, not so much staff!) and some really strange people and realized that (not that I didn't already know this, but it was brought to my attention) there are folks who have been battling the Pit for longer than I have and harder than I have and can't seem to win. One woman had had ECT twice, was married with a loving family, had a good education, had been on every med out there, and was the first to tell you that her life was wonderful - but she continues to battle severe life-threatening depression, complete with multiple suicide attempts and multiple hospitalizations. She's a wonderful intelligent creative woman, and I wish so much that she wasn't in so much pain. There were folks from all walks of life, and it proves, again, that mental illness doesn't discriminate in any fashion. Very troubling.
But, I returned to work today, entirely too soon, and my office has moved to the first floor, so I'm right by my boss, and I have been shaking all day. I had major anxiety while in the hospital and the good doctor (meant sarcastically) wouldn't give me much of anything, though one night they did give me an ativan, but that didn't even touch it. After returning home I had a couple days of reprieve from the anxiety, but now it is back full force. My pdoc (my REAL pdoc, not the doc I saw in the hospital) is holding my meds, minus what I get a week at a time. My finances are really stressing me out and, right when I need her most, I'm going to have to cut back on therapy. My therapist has been so wonderful, calling me almost every day while I was in the hospital and calling me every day since I've been out. I see her today at 4:30, and I'm supposed to see her on Thursday, but I can't afford to until I get a second job. I'm going to talk to her about it, and I'm really really hoping she will work with me until I get another job. I hate to cut back on therapy, as it is one of the things that is keeping me going, but it's either that or not be able to pay my other bills, and those I don't have a choice about.
Feeling extremely tense right now. Feel like crying. Still thinking of suicide, although I am really hoping there is some other way out of my predicament. I just can't live with not being able to pay my bills, and I can't continue with being scared of everything going on in my life - I'm terrified of my boss, even though I have no reason to be, I'm terrified that they're going to figure out that I don't really do much at my job, I'm scared of not being able to go back to school, of choosing the wrong 2nd career, of losing my current job, of not finding a 2nd job, which I have to find to make ends meet, of cutting back on therapy, of not being able to afford my meds, of absolutely everything. Everything. I'm just living in constant fear, and something's got to give. I hope it's not me, but if something doesn't change soon, I don't know. I don't want to go back to the hospital. I'm going to talk to my therapist about all of this tonight, and hopefully she can talk some sense into me....
I hope everyone is hangin' in there. I haven't had much time to read over all the posts I missed during my week out of commission, so I apologize for not being up-to-date on what's happening with everyone. But I do, once again, want to thank all of you who were thinking about me last week for caring. In case you didn't know it, or in case you need reminding, you are all very special wonderful people.
Heading out now for therapy. YAY!!! Keep your fingers crossed that my therapist will work her magic on me once again - plant my feet firmly on the ground - help me see some reality (and some hope).
P
Posted by gabbix2 on August 5, 2003, at 14:39:22
In reply to Freaking out, posted by Penny on August 5, 2003, at 14:21:12
Yup. Exactly.
I just emailed a friend saying this terror is what makes me not want to live, how long can I be terrified of my own life? I'm a grown woman too.
I wish I could say more Penny, but I'm really just
at my worst today. I had my first break from anxiety in a long time from may to June, but now its back with a vengeance. And I'm supposed to start school in Sept..
If your therapist knows any magic will you share??
Posted by Dinah on August 5, 2003, at 19:44:37
In reply to Freaking out, posted by Penny on August 5, 2003, at 14:21:12
Oh Penny. I know what you mean. I don't feel like a grown woman either.
I spent all day crying hysterically on the phone over a debt consolidation loan. And even when it goes through, I may have to give up my second therapy a week as well. I can't even think about it. And I'm not sure I can pay all my vet bills for the dogs. One of them has a chronic and expensive condition. And, and, and...
I hope your therapist has some magic in her bag of tricks. I could use some too.
Sorry, not too much support today, but a lot of commiseration....
Posted by fallsfall on August 5, 2003, at 22:54:50
In reply to Freaking out, posted by Penny on August 5, 2003, at 14:21:12
Penny,
Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. It really does help.
Would your regular pdoc give you something for the anxiety?
Try not to ask too much of yourself right now. Decide what is REALLY necessary, and postpone everything else.
Unless your boss has demonstrated that s/he hates you (and I don't remember that they have, but my memory is awful...) just assume for this week that you are doing just fine. When I went to my boss and told him that I was going out on disability he said "Why? You are doing just fine." I wasn't doing fine, but the point was that he didn't have a clue.
Try to do a little socializing every day (lunch?).
Do something that you really like to do every day.
Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out.
Crossing my fingers for you!
Posted by Penny on August 6, 2003, at 8:04:27
In reply to Re: Freaking out » Penny, posted by fallsfall on August 5, 2003, at 22:54:50
Well, my therapist didn't have any tricks up her sleeve, but is lowering her fees for me as I told her I have to cut back on therapy because I can't afford it anymore. She said she wasn't comfortable treating me only once (or less) a week, so she's working with me. I still don't know how I'm going to afford even the reduced rate.
Amazing what money and job problems can do to you. For me, it sends me spiraling quickly into the Pit. Deeper and deeper.
By the time I got home last night my head was hurting again and I was nauseated again and I was extremely shaky. I had taken my car to Walmart for an oil change and was walking around the store while I waited and just got so dizzy I had to sit down. Very anxious and dizzy. And it reminded me that I was this way last summer...even down to the anxiety...
I told my therapist that I didn't understand why it would be such a bad thing if I killed myself. I don't want to go back to the hospital, because while it does keep me from committing suicide, it doesn't really help matters. They said it would give me a new perspective - but all I think it did was shield me from reality for a while. Then I came home and all my financial problems were still there, but even more so now because of my hospitalization, and my job problems still exist but now I'm even more behind in my duties, and everyone's handling me with kid gloves as though I might break and I don't feel any more capable of handling my problems than I did before I went to the hospital. Perhaps even less so.
Went to bed fairly early last night but couldn't go to sleep even with taking something to help me sleep. Overslept this morning and was about 20 minutes late for work, but now I'm really really sleepy and I can't take a nap because my office is on the first floor and my boss could walk in at any moment and my door has a window in it...
My therapist said that killing myself wouldn't make things better in any way. I told her that my being here doesn't make things better in any way either. I'm tired, really and truly tired, of living for other people. I know I've said this before. I know I shouldn't live for other people, but sometimes others are the only things that keep me going. But I don't see why my living is such a good thing. Why do we as humans have such a problem with ending our lives? I understand with murder because we each have a right to live, IMO, that shouldn't be taken away by someone else (I won't even go into more detail with that), but why don't we have a right to die if and when we want to? Why is it such a bad thing???
My therapist says this is just the depression talking. But, you know, I've pondered this question for a long time, since my days as a philosophy student in college. I think my therapist believes in the intrinsic value of humanity. And I suppose if I believed in that as well, I would have to concede that any time you take away something of value it is a bad thing. Therefore, if someone is human and therefore has intrinsic value, and then they take their own life, which had value, then that is a bad thing because the thing which had value no longer exists.
And I am human - so do I have intrinsic value??? I do believe others do, so it logically follows that I do too. But I'm having a hard time believing it.
Why do we always single ourselves out as being different from others? Why can we see the good in others but not in ourselves???
If I could answer that question, I might be rich.
I can't answer that question. Not right now. I feel worthless and hopeless. Yet I would tell each and every one of you, and really mean it, that you are valuable human beings, full of love and hope and helping and concern for others. Just can't believe it about myself.
I don't want to do this anymore. I wish I could throw myself into my work so I didn't have to think about all of it, but I can't. I have no energy. Maybe I need some more time off...
sorry for rambling
P
Posted by Dinah on August 6, 2003, at 9:45:07
In reply to Re: Freaking out, posted by Penny on August 6, 2003, at 8:04:27
That's really terrific of your therapist, Penny. And your pdoc. You're really lucky to have them.
I am trying to post in a more positive frame of mind than yesterday (yesterday was a horrendous day), but I find that anything I might say would sound hypocritical. The truth is that I know exactly how you feel, because I feel the same way. And the same thoughts have been flirting with my mind.
But as you said, what we think towards ourselves is *not* what we think for others. I think it would be a terrible waste of a beautiful life if you were to kill yourself over money. You have so much to offer this world in terms of generosity and wisdom. You're a person that your therapist and pdoc think enough of to offer to reduce/waive their fees. I can tell you that mine wouldn't do that.
You're young yet. You will yet contribute so much as a nurse or a therapist or whatever you decide to become. Sit down with that credit counseling service and whatever other nonprofits may be available, and try to work out a solution.
Please? ((((Penny))))
Posted by fallsfall on August 6, 2003, at 21:21:04
In reply to Re: Freaking out, posted by Penny on August 6, 2003, at 8:04:27
>And I am human - so do I have intrinsic value??? I do believe others do, so it logically follows that I do too. But I'm having a hard time believing it.
>Why do we always single ourselves out as being different from others? Why can we see the good in others but not in ourselves???
>If I could answer that question, I might be rich.
>I can't answer that question. Not right now. I feel worthless and hopeless. Yet I would tell each and every one of you, and really mean it, that you are valuable human beings, full of love and hope and helping and concern for others. Just can't believe it about myself.
Penny -
It sounds like you are in great pain.
I think that you have the answer that you need. You say: "Yet I would tell each and every one of you, and really mean it, that you are valuable human beings". You don't say that you would tell Dinah this, but not Fallsfall. You would tell EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US. You really don't know which of us are wonderful people because you just don't know us well enough. But you would tell EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US that we are valuable human beings. You don't evaluate us before telling us this - you know it is true in every case.
So, if this is true in every case then why wouldn't it be true for you? What makes you so different from the rest of us? Sure, you are uniquely you, but so am I, and so is Dinah etc. We are all unique, that doesn't keep us from falling under your EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US umbrella. The way that you worded this, and the way that you mean this, being a valuable human being applies to EVERY person. Even you. You are not so different from the rest of us. You are still a person, just like us.
The reason you should live is that you are a valuable human being.
Now you need to figure out how to make your life bearable. Instead of thinking about how you will kill yourself, you need to think how you will live.
(((((PENNY)))))
(((((PENNY)))))
Posted by Penny on August 7, 2003, at 11:18:12
In reply to Re: Freaking out » Penny, posted by fallsfall on August 6, 2003, at 21:21:04
Thanks so much Fallsfall. I am having a hard time believing that I am a valuable person, even though I know it isn't logical. At least today I can recognize that it isn't logical.
My therapist tells me that it is the depression talking. I was thinking last night that maybe I need to go back to the hospital, but I don't know what that would fix. I do need to find another job and try very hard to make the best of the one I've got. I did register for the School of Social Work info session in September, which I am looking forward to. I know I need to postpone making any major decisions right now, but I'm trying to give myself something to strive for.
Perhaps once I find a second job I need to go to a financial counselor of sorts - one that can teach me how to manage what little money I have. At the very least, I need a book to teach me how to really budget. I always cringe at dealing with finances, but I guess I don't have many choices at this point. I'm afraid that even when I do make more money I won't be in any better of a position. I just really need to be more frugal.
Anyway, I was rambling. Thanks again.
P
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