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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by direstraits on March 15, 2003, at 18:19:51
I am only 5'10" tall, and I weigh almost 400 pounds. I haven't always been this way. There's more to me than this, but nobody has the courage to see it.
I take that back. I am unlovable. Full of such hatred and rage. I take a small portion out on those around me, but the majority of it is internalized.
Every single aspect of my life is in shambles. Each day, I scrape up some small portion of what is known as the will to live and try to make it as long as I can with that miniscule nourishment. My ration rarely lasts an entire day.
Oh God, life wasn't supposed to be like this. I've spent my entire life finding someone to be my number one priority, throwing everything I had into pleasing them; yet; I have never been anybody's number one. My love is unrequited.
I spend a lot of time and energy making myself undesirable. I eat like there's no tomorrow. I create wounds on my body, so that I can pick the scabs for months until the scar is so unsightly, I know it will never fade. I pick at the acne on my face until it scars.
How can I long so badly for love, while at the same time, work so diligently to keep it away. There is this guy I met in college (I am gay.) that I was so attracted to. I don't know if he was/is gay or not, but he was so sweet and innocent. I was too afraid to spend a lot of time with him, for fear of being hurt if he got tired of me. Now (a few years later), I can't stop thinking about him. I love him. I always did. I'm now 100 pounds heavier. I live in Washington; he in Tennessee. There is no possibility of there ever being an "us," but he is all I think about lately. Not in a dangerous way, but in a "That was my only shot, and I chickened out. I wonder what could have been." kind of way.
Why can't *I* be my number one priority? I will be alone until my parents die, and then I will kill myself.
I hate God.
Posted by paxvox on March 15, 2003, at 18:42:19
In reply to I will never know love., posted by direstraits on March 15, 2003, at 18:19:51
Well, now that's a rather deep post there! I could try to unwrap the different levels of problems you are facing, but obiously it's a self-image issue. You did not mention if you are getting any therapy/medication etc...It would be helpful to know that kinda stuff. Weight issues can be resolved medically, if and WHEN you really want them to be. But have you considered you have "created" this self because you are unsure of who YOU are? You say you want to be loved, yet have tried consciously and unconsciously to derail that effort by self-degradation and depreciation. There is a rather nasty cyclic pattern you are in, one feeding the other. No wonder you see yourself in and endless spiral to killing yourself. Love. Now that is too deep for me to tackle in this post. But if you want love, and to be loved, there are many simple ways to get that. children. There are so many kids with absolutely nothing. No security, no possesions, no home, no safety. In short, their world is transatory, their pleasure ephemeral. Find a place in your community where there are homeless shelters, or places food is given out. Go there and help the children. Show them your love. They will love you back. Now, this does not answer your need for love of a partnership level. However, I think that once you have found a healthy outlet for your love,and have found that indeed you ARE lovable as a person, that your self-image will do a 180. You may not find this past love you wonder about, but who has ever gained a second of future by living in the past? Live in the present, live for today. Find a reason to be. Give it a try. What do you have to lose?
PAX
Posted by sienna on March 15, 2003, at 21:34:20
In reply to I will never know love., posted by direstraits on March 15, 2003, at 18:19:51
hi hon
i often feel that i hate god too. im sorry you are feeling so badly. i dont have much words of wisdom but i do hope that you find peace.
sienna
Posted by Ilene on March 16, 2003, at 23:46:04
In reply to Re: I will never know love., posted by paxvox on March 15, 2003, at 18:42:19
> Well, now that's a rather deep post there! I could try to unwrap the different levels of problems you are facing, but obiously it's a self-image issue. You did not mention if you are getting any therapy/medication etc...It would be helpful to know that kinda stuff. Weight issues can be resolved medically, if and WHEN you really want them to be. But have you considered you have "created" this self because you are unsure of who YOU are? You say you want to be loved, yet have tried consciously and unconsciously to derail that effort by self-degradation and depreciation. There is a rather nasty cyclic pattern you are in, one feeding the other. No wonder you see yourself in and endless spiral to killing yourself. Love. Now that is too deep for me to tackle in this post. But if you want love, and to be loved, there are many simple ways to get that. children. There are so many kids with absolutely nothing. No security, no possesions, no home, no safety. In short, their world is transatory, their pleasure ephemeral. Find a place in your community where there are homeless shelters, or places food is given out. Go there and help the children. Show them your love. They will love you back. Now, this does not answer your need for love of a partnership level. However, I think that once you have found a healthy outlet for your love,and have found that indeed you ARE lovable as a person, that your self-image will do a 180. You may not find this past love you wonder about, but who has ever gained a second of future by living in the past? Live in the present, live for today. Find a reason to be. Give it a try. What do you have to lose?
>
> PAX
Hey! That's a little hard. So direstraits is wallowing in self-pity. Not the most productive approach to life, I agree, but who here doesn't understand misery?I have 2 kids and a husband who love me, and I love them back, but my self-image hasn't done a 180. I have reasons to be, but I don't feel like being. There are no cure-alls.
--I.
Posted by paxvox on March 17, 2003, at 20:04:46
In reply to Re: I will never know love. » paxvox, posted by Ilene on March 16, 2003, at 23:46:04
Certainly not meant to be caustic. Let him respond. If I have offended him, I will proffer the requisite apologies.
PAX
This is the end of the thread.
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