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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Noa on January 3, 2003, at 17:43:49
That is the kind of mood I'm in. Still depressed, although better than yesterday.
Went to work today, had an ok day there. Did spend some time talking with the other two employees who might be affected by the cut-backs. We decided to work together to get some more info about what is happening--first from a semi-supervisor who is fairly politically astute and might have some strategy ideas for us, and then from the next-up supervisor, the one who told us about the cut backs, and who is the liason with the "big" bosses who make the cut back decisions (and who seems way out of her league politically, which, we believe is part of the problem--ie, confusing messages AND possibly unable to advocate appropriately for us with the big guys).
Anyway, I felt better--that we have some mutual support going. Also, one of the co-workers thinks someone in the larger group we are in is going to retire, so one of us, if our job is cut, can move in to that position if need be. So it looks less hopeless, but still nervewracking. And all of us are feeling insecure, unsafe, etc.
My mood is still depressed, though. I guess I can't expect that to change so rapidly. At least I was distracted during my work day and could work quite functionally (this has often been true of me--once I am at work, I can be "not depressed" for a while while I am working). And at least I am not as agitated as I was. I am able to defer all that depressed thinking somewhat--ie, not draw conclusions, etc.. But the mood is still depressed.
I had that extra therapy session today, which was helpful, but it was very hard to leave when it ended.
So, "sigh" just about sums up this low mood.
Posted by syringachalet on January 3, 2003, at 18:22:03
In reply to Sigh, posted by Noa on January 3, 2003, at 17:43:49
Noa,
Sounds like you had a long very full day.
Also sounds like you had a good therapy session.Most of the sessions I have had(as either the patient or the nurse) never had to be anything earth-crashing to be productive.
People who constantly live in crisis mode are exhausted and exhausting...no offend intended.
They live their whole lives where everything is constantly falling apart and every decision is treated like its life or death...Face it..I couldnt live like that everyday..Could you?
I would need my stethoscope taken away from me for fear I would hang myself.. or someone else with it...LOL.. :o)Enjoy your weekend.. whatever it may hold.. and know that you deserve to be happy..
Happiness isnt a station you arrive at; its a matter of traveling and growing and enjoying
what all of the parts you can and the void ahead...syringachalet
Posted by Miller on January 3, 2003, at 18:22:44
In reply to Sigh, posted by Noa on January 3, 2003, at 17:43:49
That is good news about your job. At least there is some hope.
I am just the opposite when I am at work, I seem to be more depressed. I have that kind of a job, though.
Why was it hard to leave your session today? Do you feel so supported there - safe?
I hope it gets better for you. Keep us all informed as to how you are doing.
-Miller
Posted by Noa on January 3, 2003, at 18:30:53
In reply to Re: Sigh » Noa, posted by Miller on January 3, 2003, at 18:22:44
Thanks, Miller.
>>>Why was it hard to leave your session today? Do you feel so supported there - safe? >>>
Yeah, you know, feeling especially vulnerable during this depressive episode, therapy session helps me feel safe and supported, etc. etc.
Posted by Noa on January 3, 2003, at 18:31:35
In reply to Re: Sigh, posted by syringachalet on January 3, 2003, at 18:22:03
Thanks.
Posted by Miller on January 3, 2003, at 22:17:44
In reply to Re: Sigh » Miller, posted by Noa on January 3, 2003, at 18:30:53
Ahhh, the safety of safety.
:)
-Miller
Posted by Dinah on January 3, 2003, at 22:57:30
In reply to Sigh, posted by Noa on January 3, 2003, at 17:43:49
For someone who's battling depression (or someone who's not for that matter) you're doing great! Sounds like you're making reasonable plans and doing all you can. I hope you're proud of yourself.
I love the safety of therapy when there is chaos all around. It helps me pick myself up and do what I need to do. My therapist is moving his office soon, and I'm sooo going to miss the office that I use as my "safe place" while doing guided relaxation.
Posted by Noa on January 4, 2003, at 8:29:05
In reply to Re: Sigh » Noa, posted by Dinah on January 3, 2003, at 22:57:30
Dinah, thanks. Your therapist is moving offices--nearby? You are still going to see him, I assume. So, it means getting used to a new office? I know! My previous therapist (different city) moved a couple of times. First, we met in a city clinic (he was on fellowship there), and although we usually had this one office, a lot of times, we got switched around (I think because he was low man on the totem pole there), so the room was not that big a player, although the building held a certain place in my mind.
Then, in his private office--I don't remember much about the first one, but then we moved and I remember having to get used to it. But it was better--it had a nice bay window, and he had the chairs set up near the bay windows so I could look outside while we were talking.
BUT, then he changed his furniture. The new furniture was spiffy, that is for sure, but I missed the old chair I sat it. There was something about how comfortable it was, and something about how I used to play with the fabric on the arm or something--I really don't remember what it was, but it was something. But the main issue was that the new (spiffy) chair, though quite lovely, leaned back in a way that made me uncomfortable. So, I asked if I could sit on the couch, which of course was fine--it just positioned me accross the room. But since he now had a spiffy new swivel chair and ottoman, he just turned in that direction. Only problem was it took me further from the bay window. I could still see the outside, but not as much.
Ok, so present therapist also moved offices within his suite. It took a little getting used to but main issue was the chairs. At first, he brought in some new chairs, but said he was just having them there on a trial basis depending on how people liked them. Again, like with the previous therapist's new chairs, they were nicer, more fashionable than the old chairs, but again, they leaned back in a way I did not like. Apparently they did have an adjustment feature, but it didn't work well. So, one day, I came in and the old chairs were back! And have been there since. I don't LOVE these chairs and they are getting ratty, but it is comfortable enough.
ONe detail in both therapists' offices that has been significant is the oriental rugs, believe it or not. You know, when I am pondering, where are my eyes? On the rug, of course! So, I develop a kind of a relationship, you could say, with the rug.
I think the rug in my old therapist's office actually made its way into a dream I had!
Yes, my therapist's office is really a safe place. Thanks, Dinah, you sparked me to think about things I hadn't really put into words before.
PS--this just came to mind: have you seen the commercial for The Great Indoors? the one where the woman is in the shrink's office, relating a dream she had. I guess she shifts around a bit--she is sitting on what looks to be a black leather sofa--and the shrink observes, "this dream seems to make you really uncomfortable". She answers, "no, it's not that, it's just that I can't stop thinking that this couch would look so much better over there by the window." This cracks me up no end!!! I think this (and the other Great indoors commercial in the hotel room) are really funny, but especially the shrinks office one.
Posted by Noa on January 4, 2003, at 9:25:28
In reply to Re: Sigh » Noa, posted by Dinah on January 3, 2003, at 22:57:30
> For someone who's battling depression (or someone who's not for that matter) you're doing great!
Thanks, Dinah. You know, reading what you wrote helps me remember that I am doing pretty well,and had been in recent months--that this is just an episode of "recurrence" I am going through now, and maybe it will pass, like my therapist has been reassuring me but I've had a hard time believing.
I think in recent months I have made a lot of headway at work. During this contract year, I really have made major improvments in my performance there. That is probably why the bullshit stuff that is happening on the job now is so damn discouraging to me.
That memo reprimanding me for 2 minor things and one vague and ancient thing was the first main feedback I'd gotten in a long time. Nothing from my superiors about the improvements I've made. I even brought it up in a supervisory meeting once--letting them know I taken extra time during vacation to work hard to learn some new skills that I thought were addressing some of my weaknesses (organizational/time management). No, the first positive feedback came after the memo, after I think I made my feelings known (in an unfortunately passive aggressive way, I admit) that I was miffed at the snitty memo. But the feedback was on a different area of my job--a new responsibility that is not part of the main bulk of my job description (ie, doesn't have much consequence in evaluating me in my actual position). Nothing noticed about my improved performance in areas that were main focus of criticism in my evaluations. The positive feedback that she did offer that week felt at that point like an afterthought, a bone tossed my way, and felt "too little too late". I am bitter, yes, I know.
My therapist says that I am too influenced by the negative feedback and lack of positive feedback, that it resonates too much with the internal criticism. He is right. It really throws me off. I think that is (at least part of) what triggered this depressive episode I'm in. I think conditions were ripe in that maybe the SAD components were causing me to have a low grade depression as it is, and of course, the internal critic is always ready for action, and then the work stuff pulled the trigger and BOOM, you know, down the hole I go.
This board and all you guys are so great for me. Thanks.
Posted by Dinah on January 4, 2003, at 10:12:32
In reply to Re: Sigh » Dinah, posted by Noa on January 4, 2003, at 9:25:28
I know what you mean. With me it's the abandonment fears rather than the internal critic, but it doesn't take much sometimes to wake them while at other times I'm more robust. I sometimes think it has more to do with finding an excuse for the biological processes, and we use the excuse we are most familiar with.
Getting a bad evaluation hurts, I know. Even getting a good one with a "but" in it sends me spiralling. And I'm a crier too, which makes it uncomfortable for all. I guess the difference is that my moods are very short lived. I have "learned" to take these naps. When I get upset, I can fall asleep for as little as 45 minutes and when I wake up I've either forgotten what upset me completely, or it seems very far removed and vague. I know this isn't terribly healthy, and I forget more than what upset me, and it leads to an unstable sense of self, but darn it it works and I'm not motivated to change. Your way of dealing with it directly sounds so healthy in comparison, even if it is a bit passiva agressive.
My therapist has been in this office for the eight years I've seen him. I too look everywhere but his face. In fact I'm never quite sure what he looks like and can't picture him in my mind. In my pre-trust days I told him that it was his office that was helping me, and if necessary I could just pay to sit in his office. But every piece of that office except his desk (which I am uncomfortable looking at) seems so familiar and comforting to me. I hope he tries to arrange things similarly in his new office.
Posted by syringachalet on January 4, 2003, at 15:40:57
In reply to Re: Sigh » Noa, posted by Dinah on January 4, 2003, at 10:12:32
Dinah and Noa,
I can relate your feelings of comfort level with your therapists office setting.
I have had the same female psychristist for 4 years now and she did change the couch in her office last month and I mentioned it to her.
She was surprised as it has been there for two month(since my last visit) and I have been the only person to notice and mention it.She and I have a special relationship in that
she never treats me like a nurse.
Im one of her patients. I am allowed to have crappy days and make bad judgements and cry
and all those things that so many people
in my life think that a 'professional
should be able to take care of' alone.I just glad that I have a 'soft place to land' when I feel that my world is not very kind...
I bet you both are too...
syringachalet
Posted by Tabitha on January 4, 2003, at 17:44:38
In reply to Re: Sigh--Office thoughts and the little things... » Dinah, posted by Noa on January 4, 2003, at 8:29:05
My goodness, your therapist has an oriental rug? Now I'm really envious. All the time I spend staring at the rug, and the one in mine's office is just plain and sort of a purplish brown. Then again, if there was anything even remotely interesting down there to look at, I'd probably never look up at all.
Posted by Noa on January 4, 2003, at 23:15:08
In reply to Re: Sigh--Office thoughts and the little things... » Noa, posted by Tabitha on January 4, 2003, at 17:44:38
Well, he has sort of nondescript beige carpeting, and a small area rug-- for all I know it might be oriental style, not the real thing. His office is very unfancy. When I was looking for a therapist, I "interviewed" a couple of them who had really posh offices-- maybe a little too fancy. I didn't not choose them for that reason, but now that I think about it, with all the fancy furnishings, I bet their fees have gone up faster than my therapist's!
I'm glad you feel safe with her, and can just be yourself, not your professional persona. I think that probably, if someone is unable to drop their professional selves in therapy (once they feel comfortable with the therapist) maybe they are staying on the intellectual plane too much, and not getting in touch with the emotional stuff. Underneath it all, we are all emotinal animals.
Posted by laurarn on January 5, 2003, at 10:31:28
In reply to Re: Sigh--Office thoughts and the little things... » Dinah, posted by Noa on January 4, 2003, at 8:29:05
Thanks for the laugh with the PS couch story. That was a great movie by the way. I love any point of view that puts reality into perspective.
Posted by laurarn on January 5, 2003, at 10:52:53
In reply to Re: Sigh--Office thoughts and the little things... » Noa, posted by laurarn on January 5, 2003, at 10:31:28
Oops. not a movie. Still laughed though.
This is the end of the thread.
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