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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Mr Cushing on December 29, 2002, at 14:51:36
Hi, I've been posting tidbits here and there on PB for a few months now. Four months ago I was dx'd as being Bi-Polar with Mixed Episodes along with having an adjunt panic disorder. For the first four months after learning about this and coming to understand it, I was very good to myself. I was taking my medication all on schedule (500mg of Depakote per day, 20mg of Celexa per day, and 1mg of Clonazepam every night). I was watching what I ate and exercising regularly. I was basically abstaining from alcohol and drugs (except for marijuana which I only used a little of per week) and I had got to the point where I was finally starting to feel "normal" again.Now here's the problem... I don't know how to live a "normal" life. Over the past month, I guess "maybe" the Holidays were a little to blame for this, I started smoking marijuana again basically every day. I've started drinking again, I've been slightly drunk (about 5-6 drinks) about 4 times during the past week. Last night I went through an 8Ball of cocaine with about 3 of my buddies. I've thrown aside the whole "sleep-wake" cycle thingie and just sleep whenever I want to. Some nights I'll sleep from like 11PM till maybe 8am, other nights I'll be up till about 4am and sleep till Noon. This isn't a problem for me since my family is fairly well off and it's become basically a joint decision that I not enter the Labour Market untill I manage to get control of my situation. I was DX'd shortly after graduating from College. Actually, the last Term at College I was pretty much dangerously manic.
The above behaviour for me is basically what I considered "normal" for my 24 years on this planet. I know that I'm causing harm to myself and it doesn't really even feel good to be doing half of the things I've been finding myself doing over the past month, but at the same time, I'm not sure I know how to control it. It's not any sort of "narcotics addiction" or anything like that. I've just never been able to follow by the "rules" that somebody else has/would set for me. Now that I understand the nature of my huge mood swings and understand that there are various limits on what I can and can't do in my life, I'm finding myself trying to break all those limits just for the Hell of it. It's not like I have anything to prove to myself or anybody else, but more like I have a beast inside of me that just says F the Rules and does whatever it wants to do. That's pretty much another reason why I've never truly been able to function in the "legal" side of today's society.
I'm trying to put my thoughts together enough to come up with a plan or something to hold on to in order to fight this part of me off. I'm pretty much stuck with trying to pull myself through this too since my family/friends are essentially the same as me. And I'm not willing to just close them all off and out of my life because I can no longer behave in the fashion that I have behaved for my entire life so far on this planet.
I some day soon want to be able to move back into Society and start off brand new. I want to be able to drop off all my bad habits and learn to make those small adjustments that are necessary in order to function properly while living with my condition.
Has anybody else gone through this, and if so, how or what made you able to make those necessary changes? I know I should probably be talking to my PDoc about this but I don't find that it helps hearing somebody's advice unless that person has experienced first hand what I'm going through. It's so easy to give advice from the outside looking in, but unless you've actually lived through a portion of your life like this, how can you really understand or give the proper advice required to help somebody get through this?
Posted by heather66 on December 29, 2002, at 17:40:18
In reply to Help gaining Control of your Life, posted by Mr Cushing on December 29, 2002, at 14:51:36
I can't offer any advice on narcotics issues, but, I also just sleep whenever I want to and I know it makes me feel better to read about others experiencing similar behaviors. Last night I went to sleep at 4am and just got out of bed at 4pm today. (Now it is 6:30pm). I often sleep five hours in the middle of the day and then stay up all night and maybe go to bed at 9am and basically just screw up all notions of sleep at night, wake in day. It is causing me to be very unproductive. I was laid off a couple months ago, so now I don't NEED to be up for anything at any time. Maybe it would be good for you (and me) to get a job - even part-time. Just because you aren't forced to work - having a job will give you a sense of responsibility and the need to be sober and functional - it could help you curtail some of your habits. Good Luck!
Posted by mikhail99 on December 29, 2002, at 21:02:44
In reply to Help gaining Control of your Life, posted by Mr Cushing on December 29, 2002, at 14:51:36
>
> Hi, I've been posting tidbits here and there on PB for a few months now. Four months ago I was dx'd as being Bi-Polar with Mixed Episodes along with having an adjunt panic disorder. For the first four months after learning about this and coming to understand it, I was very good to myself. I was taking my medication all on schedule (500mg of Depakote per day, 20mg of Celexa per day, and 1mg of Clonazepam every night). I was watching what I ate and exercising regularly. I was basically abstaining from alcohol and drugs (except for marijuana which I only used a little of per week) and I had got to the point where I was finally starting to feel "normal" again.
>
> Now here's the problem... I don't know how to live a "normal" life. Over the past month, I guess "maybe" the Holidays were a little to blame for this, I started smoking marijuana again basically every day. I've started drinking again, I've been slightly drunk (about 5-6 drinks) about 4 times during the past week. Last night I went through an 8Ball of cocaine with about 3 of my buddies. I've thrown aside the whole "sleep-wake" cycle thingie and just sleep whenever I want to. Some nights I'll sleep from like 11PM till maybe 8am, other nights I'll be up till about 4am and sleep till Noon. This isn't a problem for me since my family is fairly well off and it's become basically a joint decision that I not enter the Labour Market untill I manage to get control of my situation. I was DX'd shortly after graduating from College. Actually, the last Term at College I was pretty much dangerously manic.
>
> The above behaviour for me is basically what I considered "normal" for my 24 years on this planet. I know that I'm causing harm to myself and it doesn't really even feel good to be doing half of the things I've been finding myself doing over the past month, but at the same time, I'm not sure I know how to control it. It's not any sort of "narcotics addiction" or anything like that. I've just never been able to follow by the "rules" that somebody else has/would set for me. Now that I understand the nature of my huge mood swings and understand that there are various limits on what I can and can't do in my life, I'm finding myself trying to break all those limits just for the Hell of it. It's not like I have anything to prove to myself or anybody else, but more like I have a beast inside of me that just says F the Rules and does whatever it wants to do. That's pretty much another reason why I've never truly been able to function in the "legal" side of today's society.
>
> I'm trying to put my thoughts together enough to come up with a plan or something to hold on to in order to fight this part of me off. I'm pretty much stuck with trying to pull myself through this too since my family/friends are essentially the same as me. And I'm not willing to just close them all off and out of my life because I can no longer behave in the fashion that I have behaved for my entire life so far on this planet.
>
> I some day soon want to be able to move back into Society and start off brand new. I want to be able to drop off all my bad habits and learn to make those small adjustments that are necessary in order to function properly while living with my condition.
>
> Has anybody else gone through this, and if so, how or what made you able to make those necessary changes? I know I should probably be talking to my PDoc about this but I don't find that it helps hearing somebody's advice unless that person has experienced first hand what I'm going through. It's so easy to give advice from the outside looking in, but unless you've actually lived through a portion of your life like this, how can you really understand or give the proper advice required to help somebody get through this?Mr. Cushing; I don't know how much you'll appreciate this since I don't share your diagnosis. I think for 24 years of age, you have tremendous insight into what's going on with your diagnosis and how your behaviors affect your illness. I think you know what needs to happen. At the very least you really should talk to your shrink about it. He doesn't have to have been through this to empathize or help you. And he really isn't here to talk about "shared" experiences, he is an objective, professional voice of reason for you to take advantage of. I think that even if you don't feel you are dealing with an addiction, some sort of program may be helpful to you.
Ok, I know I'm probably sounding self-righteous at this point and I really don't mean to but I'm really concerned. It's dangerous for someone with a bi-polar diagnosis to take drugs like cocaine.
Heather66 had some good advice about getting a job and gaining some responsibility. It may give you some direction and help you stay on track.
Good luck and please take care of yoursel!
Mik
Posted by Mr Cushing on December 29, 2002, at 22:11:55
In reply to Re: Help gaining Control of your Life » Mr Cushing, posted by mikhail99 on December 29, 2002, at 21:02:44
Yeah, I know, using drugs like that are extremely bad for me. But once I start to slip a little bit, then I start to slip in miles. Like 3 beers a few nights before Christmas turned into basically a week of partying harder and harder till I woke up this morning thinking What the F.....???I know part of being Bi-Polar is that you sometimes have that "flair" for being a perfectionist. Like you always feel like you have to do everything to the utmost extreme. That's the way I've always been. For example, if I wanted to read a book (which I do plenty of reading) I'll pick out something like 10 books and read them all within a month or so. That's the exact same reason why I'm kind of holding out right now on a part-time job... Part-Time just won't be enough for me. It will just frustrate the Hell out of me that I couldn't get more done. At the moment, it's almost better not to be working at all then to be working just a little bit till I figure out what's gone wrong in my wiring.
Then there's also that fact... I can't seem to live within any rules whatsoever. I've never been able to. Whenever I've been offered a job in the past, I've always been fired because I could never just stick to the game plan of my "Boss". If I have rules or any authority placed over me, I can't handle it. It really makes me freak out. And from all the soul searching and stuff that I've done over the last 8 months, going through years and years of memories trying to figure out where some of this comes from, I'm still lost. That's the way this condition is starting to seem to me now too. Like it's some sort of authority figure over my life and I'm starting to fight against it instead of truly learning to accept it and live with it.
I don't know... I've got an app't with my PDoc tomorrow afternoon and she'll be around till I think the last week of January till she takes off on a vacation till the beginning of March. I need a new therapist too since she's retiring this year. I first started seeing her when I was 5 years old since I was one of those that initially got DX'd as being ADD which is totally not the case.
Then there's the fact that the Health Care system here in Ottawa is like totally overloaded and under-budgeted at the moment and it might be a very loooooong time before I even find another therapist...
Posted by mikhail99 on December 30, 2002, at 9:06:30
In reply to Re: Help gaining Control of your Life » mikhail99, posted by Mr Cushing on December 29, 2002, at 22:11:55
>
> Yeah, I know, using drugs like that are extremely bad for me. But once I start to slip a little bit, then I start to slip in miles. Like 3 beers a few nights before Christmas turned into basically a week of partying harder and harder till I woke up this morning thinking What the F.....???
>
> I know part of being Bi-Polar is that you sometimes have that "flair" for being a perfectionist. Like you always feel like you have to do everything to the utmost extreme. That's the way I've always been. For example, if I wanted to read a book (which I do plenty of reading) I'll pick out something like 10 books and read them all within a month or so. That's the exact same reason why I'm kind of holding out right now on a part-time job... Part-Time just won't be enough for me. It will just frustrate the Hell out of me that I couldn't get more done. At the moment, it's almost better not to be working at all then to be working just a little bit till I figure out what's gone wrong in my wiring.
>
> Then there's also that fact... I can't seem to live within any rules whatsoever. I've never been able to. Whenever I've been offered a job in the past, I've always been fired because I could never just stick to the game plan of my "Boss". If I have rules or any authority placed over me, I can't handle it. It really makes me freak out. And from all the soul searching and stuff that I've done over the last 8 months, going through years and years of memories trying to figure out where some of this comes from, I'm still lost. That's the way this condition is starting to seem to me now too. Like it's some sort of authority figure over my life and I'm starting to fight against it instead of truly learning to accept it and live with it.
>
> I don't know... I've got an app't with my PDoc tomorrow afternoon and she'll be around till I think the last week of January till she takes off on a vacation till the beginning of March. I need a new therapist too since she's retiring this year. I first started seeing her when I was 5 years old since I was one of those that initially got DX'd as being ADD which is totally not the case.
>
> Then there's the fact that the Health Care system here in Ottawa is like totally overloaded and under-budgeted at the moment and it might be a very loooooong time before I even find another therapist...
>
>
I hope that's not the case about finding a therapist. I don't know how you guys up North handle the healthcare system there, it sounds maddening! To not be able to get what you need WHEN you need it would make me even nuttier than I already am. :-)I'm glad you're going see your pdoc soon. Please think very hard about telling her about the drug use.
Take care and good luck tomorrow!
Posted by BlackSheep on December 30, 2002, at 10:10:50
In reply to Re: Help gaining Control of your Life » Mr Cushing, posted by mikhail99 on December 30, 2002, at 9:06:30
I think your folks would be doing you a huge favor if they stopped supporting you.
Posted by Mr Cushing on December 30, 2002, at 11:25:28
In reply to Re: Help gaining Control of your Life, posted by BlackSheep on December 30, 2002, at 10:10:50
lol... now isn't that great support......
Posted by BlackSheep on December 30, 2002, at 15:13:54
In reply to Re: Help gaining Control of your Life » BlackSheep, posted by Mr Cushing on December 30, 2002, at 11:25:28
My apologies and you had a great opeing for the retort above. More to the point, my husband and his children would be doing THEMSELVES a great favor if they left me and perhaps they will. My husband is just a real decent guy, actually the greatest guy in the world, in my opinion. I digress again.
I just had the impression from your post that you do not support yourself. Heck, I don't even know how old you are, etc, and should not have made presumptions.
It just has been my experience that those with substance abuse problems USUALLY do not get better until there are consequences for their behavior, most commonly, the loss of a safety net, finacial support, etc.
Please accept my apologies for not being supportive. I do wish you the best of luck and know first hand how difficult it is to stop or cut back on abusing stuff just to numb out or not face reality.
Posted by Mr Cushing on December 30, 2002, at 15:54:56
In reply to Re: Help gaining Control of your Life, posted by BlackSheep on December 30, 2002, at 15:13:54
Thanks for you apology, now like I said, it's not so much a substance abuse problem. Maybe in the past I was pretty dangerous in the things that I would do, but it's really only been within the last month or so that I realize that this behaviour is starting to really creep back into my life. Saturday night was the first night in about 6 months that I even had a little taste of cocaine. Hell, 3 days before Christmas was the first time that I even had a beer in about 4 months. I just noticed a pattern that I was starting to slip down hill again and I don't want to be like how I was before I got better.Trust me, I know first hand how dangerous this kind of stuff can be. I've had quite a few friends OD over the last few years. Some friends have died, some friends are pretty much the walking dead. I don't want to be like that.
That's one of the main reasons I even made the post in the first place. How do you go from being self-destructive your entire life, then going through a hellacious manic episode, back to normal, then stop yourself from being self-destructive in the future. I don't like that part of my life and Sunday morning waking up, realizing what I wound up doing the night before, it was like really embarrassing to me.
I need to figure this part out for myself I think. I already don't trust myself enough to go out anywhere tomorrow night so I have a feeling I'm probably going to be spending it alone, at home, safe. Hopefully in time my old life will seem like it happened to somebody else and I can go through life without those urges.
Posted by BlackSheep on December 31, 2002, at 8:35:24
In reply to Re: Help gaining Control of your Life, posted by Mr Cushing on December 30, 2002, at 15:54:56
. . and you may find that you know longer want to hang out with these friends who either do not have or do not want to gain control of their lives.
Posted by Mr Cushing on December 31, 2002, at 9:37:54
In reply to Re: I think you're on your way to gaining control , posted by BlackSheep on December 31, 2002, at 8:35:24
That's a hard thing to do, especially when you grew up with these people and they still to this day remain about as close as family. Then again, my own family basically falls into that class of people, so...
Posted by daizy on December 31, 2002, at 11:26:27
In reply to Re: Help gaining Control of your Life, posted by Mr Cushing on December 30, 2002, at 15:54:56
"How do you go from being self-destructive your entire life, then going through a hellacious manic episode, back to normal, then stop yourself from being self-destructive in the future."
Just have to remind yourself of how bad the bad times were and then it will make you stop. You dont want to go through it again do you? You gotta be strong.
"I don't like that part of my life and Sunday morning waking up, realizing what I wound up doing the night before, it was like really embarrassing to me."Hah, Thats happened to me so many times too ive thought *god why did I do that?, how stupid* So atleast now you know better, just think before you act and you'll be okay. After a while it will become automatic!
This is the end of the thread.
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