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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on October 12, 2002, at 16:56:43
I was thinking of you today. And I decided to join you in your homework. So I have been making eye contact and small talk as I run my errands. Even smiling and nodding as I let other cars in my lane. And people are smiling and making small talk back.
How is it going for you?
Dinah
Posted by Sienna on October 12, 2002, at 18:03:37
In reply to Tabitha, How's the homework coming?, posted by Dinah on October 12, 2002, at 16:56:43
Hi,
I like doing that too. I like peoples reactions adn trying to brighten their day if I can at all.
Sienna
Posted by jane d on October 12, 2002, at 19:45:34
In reply to Tabitha, How's the homework coming?, posted by Dinah on October 12, 2002, at 16:56:43
> I was thinking of you today. And I decided to join you in your homework. So I have been making eye contact and small talk as I run my errands. Even smiling and nodding as I let other cars in my lane. And people are smiling and making small talk back.
>
> How is it going for you?
>
> DinahOK. Small talk during errands is great. Even if you are talking to other people. But letting other cars in your lane? That's taking this entirely too far.
Jane
Posted by Dinah on October 13, 2002, at 4:03:55
In reply to Re: Tabitha, How's the homework coming? » Dinah, posted by jane d on October 12, 2002, at 19:45:34
> OK. Small talk during errands is great. Even if you are talking to other people. But letting other cars in your lane? That's taking this entirely too far.
>
> Jane
>
But of course, dear Jane. :)I thought it was required. Especially if they make nice pleading faces or particularly entertaining begging gestures. Actually I enjoy it most when they don't seem to expect it at all, although it takes a bit longer.
But... if they zoom up to the front of the line and then cavalierly expect to merge into the only continuing lane, it's a different story. That requires gestures expressing that they are from out of town and had absolutely no idea that they needed to merge, are dreadfully ashamed, quite understand if you would never ever allow them in front of you, and are perfectly willing to wait until it is their turn. After all, there are standards to maintain!
Posted by Tabßitha on October 13, 2002, at 15:03:32
In reply to Tabitha, How's the homework coming?, posted by Dinah on October 12, 2002, at 16:56:43
Hi Dinah,
Thanks for thinking of me. I did the official homework last week. Said Hi to some guy, he didn't respond, but the good part was I instantly felt like I wasn't the only shy person out there.
Posted by Dinah on October 13, 2002, at 15:15:24
In reply to Re: Tabitha, How's the homework coming? » Dinah, posted by Tabßitha on October 13, 2002, at 15:03:32
You mean it isn't an ongoing assignment? Not necessarily coffeebars but reaching out to others? Boy, you have an easy therapist. (grin) Mine would insist I keep it up. We're practicing eye contact and have been for some time. Hmmm. Perhaps I should have that mastered by now.
Posted by BeardedLady on October 13, 2002, at 15:47:12
In reply to Re: Tabitha, How's the homework coming? » Dinah, posted by Tabßitha on October 13, 2002, at 15:03:32
T:
If you have trouble talking to strangers because you are shy, would it be easier for you when there's a reason to talk? For instance, saying Hi to someone may seem a little empty (?) and scary.
Do you have trouble speaking when there's a need? For instance, can you say excuse me to someone who's blocking the aisle at the grocery store? Can you ask a clerk where certain items are?
It may be helpful to speak to someone when you have a purpose, and it may be easy to invent that purpose. Sometimes a compliment (hey, that's a really nice tie) makes others feel so good that you almost don't notice how weird you feel.
beardy
Posted by Tabßitha on October 15, 2002, at 0:48:12
In reply to re: homework » Tabßitha, posted by BeardedLady on October 13, 2002, at 15:47:12
My shyness is situational. I do pretty well when there's some structure to the interaction. Like I can chat with the employees usually, because it's kind of expected. I was reading some stuff on shyness, and I learned that having trouble with unstructured interactions is one of the usual components of shyness.
It's just these little opportunities where I freeze up that I'm wanting to work on. Plus it would be nice to appear more approachable. People are often telling me I seemed unfriendly when they first met me, and I can often look back and realize that I actually liked that person and wanted to know them from the beginning, but somehow managed to give off "unfriendly" vibes anyway. I think I get kind of scared and restricted, and that shows in my body language. I don't have a good eye contact habit either. If I'm not in a really sunny mood (which is most of the time), I have to really remind myself to make eye contact.
Posted by BeardedLady on October 15, 2002, at 5:21:41
In reply to re: homework » BeardedLady, posted by Tabßitha on October 15, 2002, at 0:48:12
I am not at all shy, but I do have trouble making eye contact, as sometimes I feel self-conscious for no particular reason. This may sound silly, but glasses help! I look at people when I'm wearing sunglasses because I feel like they know I'm looking (so it counts as eye contact), but they are often seeing their own reflection and not looking at the huge zit!
beardy
Posted by Dinah on October 15, 2002, at 7:01:53
In reply to re: homework » BeardedLady, posted by Tabßitha on October 15, 2002, at 0:48:12
Isn't it odd, Tabitha? Depending on my mood I can be relatively outgoing with complete strangers, but with people I deal with more regularly I tend to be shy. I think I don't want to saddle them with me or impose myself on them.
And I know I have a problem with eye contact across the board. Even with people I know extremely well. It just seems so intimate, and I can't manage to do it even with friends and family. It causes me a lot of anxiety. I also have trouble calling people by their first name (Mr. or Mrs. X or Dr. X is fine), because it seems to darn intimate so I end up calling them nothing. I called my therapist by his full first and last name for years and years, all run on as if it were one word.
And I not infrequently hear feedback about how stuck up or unfriendly I am. And it hurts and confuses me every time. And makes me more insecure and more determined not to foist myself on others. So I don't think I'm shy so much as have a negative concept of myself in relation to others.
But I'm still surprised to hear similar fears from people I admire, Tabitha. So it surprises me to hear you say you are shy. I can't imagine anyone not being delighted to meet you. :) But I think I've heard it's an inborn trait, so I suppose it shouldn't surprise me so much.
Have you looked into Phillip Zimbardo's research? I find his ideas fascinating in general although I haven't looked into the shyness book particularly.
This is the end of the thread.
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