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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Roo on May 3, 2002, at 14:32:13
Do any of you feel particularly insecure in your
romantic relationships? I'm insecure in general, but
I seem to be even more so with my romantic partner.
Of course, it's new, only 4 months...maybe that's why...
but it seems like when I'm single I'm much more
confident.I am feeling so insecure about my boyfriend lately.
He doesn't have a lot of patience for that sort
of thing...he understands it and says it's
just human, but doesn't really have the stamina
to discuss it at length and be real touchy
feeling and comforting about it.
That's where he and my ex really differ.
Although I'm happier with my current boyfriend, my ex
really indulged me and my need
for constant reassurance and comfort.
In a way, it's kind of good that Gene (my boyfriend now) doesn't,
b/c it never really did any good anyway--I could
never be reassured enough, it seemed,
I am often a bottomless pit of insecurity.
I convince myself that he doesn't really like me,
that I'm boring etc. even though the facts
are he shows no signs of that--calls every day,
sometimes twice a day to check in, we usually go
out to lunch at least once, sometimes twice
a week, and see each other 3 times a week. The fact
that he does all these things and yet I still feel
insecure and like "why does he like me? I'm boring
and depressed half the time...he's going to get sick
of me" makes me feel even crazier. I am completely undervalueing myself lately
and I am discusted with myself for it.
I don't like that about myself.
The only thing that REALLY helps is doing
something that nurtures me--painting, staying
in touch with friends, having some quality time
alone (not just moping time alone...but
enjoyable time alone)....But it's hard to do that
stuff when i'm depressed and then I get overfocused
on how my partner is feeling about me.Can anyone relate? I guess I'm feeling the need
for some sympathy and comfort. I feel so unlovable.
And frustrated b/c no one else can make me feel loved
no matter how hard they try b/c I don't love myself.
It's such a miserable feeling.
Posted by Manda on May 3, 2002, at 15:38:35
In reply to Undervalueing myself as a romantic partner--help!, posted by Roo on May 3, 2002, at 14:32:13
Wow. That sounds exactly like me. Unfortunately, I haven't figured out anything that helps. It seems like no matter what my boyfriend (of 7 months) does, I always feel like I'm the one doing everything, which must mean that he doesn't really love me- he only feels sorry for me. Of course, this is all wrong, but that's what I tell myself. It's no fun for anyone, so I understand why you're upset about it. Let me know if you figure out a miracle cure... :) Hopefully, someone else on PSB will have an insight. Until then, hang in there.
-Manda
Posted by Kar on May 3, 2002, at 20:27:42
In reply to Undervalueing myself as a romantic partner--help!, posted by Roo on May 3, 2002, at 14:32:13
Roo-
>even though the facts are he shows no signs of thatYou said it all here; stick to the facts, not the feelings and perceptions. Depression (you know this) colors everything and you are obviously worth him sticking around because he's still there after 4 months. I'm engaged and I live with my fiance. I haven't been able to work in months. "Undervalue" is a good term and very telling, I think. You seem to know that the insecurity and depression are affecting your outlook. What to do about it? I, like Manda, wish I could help but I'm in the same boat. Something my fiance has mentioned is that even when I'm down I make an effort. You obviously do too, because it doesn't sound like you're shutting him out. Going to lunch with him, talking to him, spending time- these are all things that you do for him too. What else is good about you? I bet if you try really hard you'll find there's a lot. Think of things- good solid concrete things that you've done lately.
>I don't like that about myself.
But it's part of the illness, and when you feel better, this won't so much be the case, right?>I guess I'm feeling the need for some sympathy and comfort.
I have found that the more depressed= more unloveable= more critical and obsessive about my role in the relationship. I know that, but can't help it when I'm down. My therapist just told me, "You are loveable!" the other day! And it's all blah blah blah. No one can change the way you feel...that'll happen when you're better.
It IS a miserable feeling, and your words hit home with me. It probably is best (you're right) that your boyfriend doesn't "play into" your insecurities...you said it- nothing he says will change how you feel. Stick to what he does and what you do for him.
I'm with ya,
Kar
Posted by Roo on May 6, 2002, at 9:19:02
In reply to Re: Undervalueing myself as a romantic partner--help! » Roo, posted by Kar on May 3, 2002, at 20:27:42
This is the end of the thread.
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