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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 32 to 56 of 59. Go back in thread:
Posted by Deneb on August 6, 2009, at 21:14:36
In reply to Re: Re No favouritism » Deneb, posted by Glydin 00 on August 6, 2009, at 20:51:31
Thanks Glydin.
I will make an effort to post them less because I know they make you uncomfortable.
Posted by Deneb on August 10, 2009, at 9:29:39
In reply to Re: feeling uncomfortable » Dr. Bob, posted by BayLeaf on August 6, 2009, at 20:11:24
Hey Bayleaf, I just wanted to reassure you that my love for Dr. Bob is pretty much harmless. I asked about my love on this doctor's forum and got this answer:
Your personality disorder predisposes you to seek enhanced emotional involvement, and it isn't surprising that you have focused on the doctor. As long as he maintains appropriate boundaries and doesn't reinforce your behavior, there is not much else to be done. I'm relieved that you understand that your rescue fantasies are indeed fantasies. You are receiving comprehensive treatment and seem reality-based, so your love is not causing treatment issues, and that's the best that anyone can hope for.
Posted by Glydin 00 on August 10, 2009, at 13:19:19
In reply to Re: feeling uncomfortable » BayLeaf, posted by Deneb on August 10, 2009, at 9:29:39
> As long as he maintains appropriate boundaries and doesn't reinforce your behavior, there is not much else to be done.
~~~ Just a question...
What actions would you see as reinforcing your behavior?
Posted by Deneb on August 10, 2009, at 13:33:12
In reply to Re: feeling uncomfortable » Deneb, posted by Glydin 00 on August 10, 2009, at 13:19:19
> > As long as he maintains appropriate boundaries and doesn't reinforce your behavior, there is not much else to be done.
>
> ~~~ Just a question...
>
> What actions would you see as reinforcing your behavior?I think maybe like if he were to start replying to all my messages in a positive way, that might be reinforcing. He doesn't though. He is just silent.
Posted by Glydin 00 on August 10, 2009, at 14:37:08
In reply to Re: feeling uncomfortable » Glydin 00, posted by Deneb on August 10, 2009, at 13:33:12
Thanks for responding. I am trying to understand and get more comfortable. Your answers and comments help me with that process. In turn, I'm hoping it might be helpful for you too.
Posted by BayLeaf on August 10, 2009, at 20:54:35
In reply to Re: feeling uncomfortable » BayLeaf, posted by Deneb on August 10, 2009, at 9:29:39
Deneb - imo socializing with you is doing the opposite of this - "maintains appropriate boundaries and doesn't reinforce your behavior"
I am sure you will disagree, because you love this behavior of his so much. That does not make it appropriate.
bay
Posted by Deneb on August 10, 2009, at 21:01:32
In reply to Re: feeling uncomfortable » Deneb, posted by BayLeaf on August 10, 2009, at 20:54:35
It wasn't just me, wouldn't it be bad for Dr. Bob to treat me differently from other Babblers just because I love him?
Dr. Bob meets with other Babblers too. He hugs others too. I would feel pretty bad if Dr. Bob avoided me just because I love him.
He has to treat everyone fairly.
Posted by Deneb on August 10, 2009, at 21:23:20
In reply to Re: feeling uncomfortable » Deneb, posted by BayLeaf on August 10, 2009, at 20:54:35
Bayleaf,
It gives me a lot of joy to love Dr. Bob. I remember when I first got here, before I started loving him, I was obsessed with suicide. Ever since I started loving Dr. Bob, I want to live to be 120. I've replaced my obsession with death with my love obsession for Dr. Bob. Don't you think that's much healthier?
Plus I wouldn't even call it an obsession, I think love is supposed to be this way, you think of the other person all the time and get good feelings from that.
Please don't take this away from me. I am happy with how things are. Things never need to progress to more than what it is now. This makes me happy. You're asking Dr. Bob to treat me differently just because I love him and I don't think that is right. I just want to be treated just like any other Babbler. It would make me very upset if Dr. Bob told me I was no longer welcomed at Babble Parties. I look forward to them the entire year. I know this sounds kind of pathetic, but Babble makes up most of my life. I have awful social anxiety and I can't seem to form meaningful relationships in real life.
Please let me have this small joy in my life. Gosh, I'm making myself cry now. I am not hurting anyone and Dr. Bob doesn't mind my love. Please don't take Dr. Bob away from me. I like things just as they are, no one ever needs to get hurt. As long as Dr. Bob is just the way he is, I am happy.
Posted by Glydin 00 on August 10, 2009, at 21:29:15
In reply to Re: feeling uncomfortable » BayLeaf, posted by Deneb on August 10, 2009, at 21:01:32
> It wasn't just me, wouldn't it be bad for Dr. Bob to treat me differently from other Babblers just because I love him?
>~~~ Have you ever felt Dr. Bob did/does treat you differently?
> Dr. Bob meets with other Babblers too. He hugs others too. I would feel pretty bad if Dr. Bob avoided me just because I love him.
>~~~ He may need to be careful given your feelings for him, don't you think?
> He has to treat everyone fairly.~~~ Maybe... but I also think if there's going to be social relationships sprung from posters meeting him and him meeting posters, individual's traits may come into play in terms of how he does interact and maybe that's where the boundaries truly need to enter the picture.... that's just my speculation.
Posted by SLS on August 11, 2009, at 5:51:30
In reply to Re: feeling uncomfortable » Deneb, posted by BayLeaf on August 10, 2009, at 20:54:35
Hi Deneb and Bayleaf and Glydin.
> Deneb - imo socializing with you is doing the opposite of this - "maintains appropriate boundaries and doesn't reinforce your behavior"
I imagine that this is a complex dynamic. Not being a psychologist, I would take an uneducated guess and conclude that the way Deneb experiences and expresses her feelings towards Dr. Bob is self-reinforcing. Somehow, I don't believe that her interaction with others produces a significant impact on this dynamic.
Deneb, I can live quite comfortably with your posts heralding Dr. Bob. My main concern is your mental health. You reported that your doctor was not concerned about your feelings and behaviors regarding Dr. Bob and Psycho-Babble. Did he endorse them or reluctantly accept them?
One negative consequence of beginning so many threads announcing your love for Dr. Bob is that too many people might do exactly what you suggested - just not read posts with your name attached to them. You might miss some very important and needed feedback regarding any other issues you may have. There might not be too many people that this will apply to, though. I don't know.
I know you feel pressured. However, some people really do have your welfare in mind as their motivation to challenge you.
I guess one of the reasons I have become comfortable with your "love letters" to Dr. Bob is that you have been writing them for so long. I guess you broke me in. :-)
When the time is right, I imagine you will see your perspectives change little by little. You will probably always have a special place in your mind and in you heart for the good doctor, but it will be time for you to move on to other relationships.
Just be well.
- Scott
Posted by SLS on August 11, 2009, at 7:13:38
In reply to Re No favouritism, posted by Deneb on August 6, 2009, at 20:12:09
Be yourself, no matter what they say...
- Scott
Posted by Dinah on August 11, 2009, at 9:46:44
In reply to Re: Re No favouritism » Deneb, posted by SLS on August 11, 2009, at 7:13:38
Posted by Deneb on August 11, 2009, at 21:58:14
In reply to Re: feeling uncomfortable, posted by SLS on August 11, 2009, at 5:51:30
> Deneb, I can live quite comfortably with your posts heralding Dr. Bob. My main concern is your mental health. You reported that your doctor was not concerned about your feelings and behaviors regarding Dr. Bob and Psycho-Babble. Did he endorse them or reluctantly accept them?
I don't really know what my pdoc thinks. She doesn't seem worried about it. She thinks it has something to do with my Dad, but I don't agree. She doesn't really endorse them I guess, she doesn't seem to pass any judgement one way or another. She explains some things to me sometimes, but I don't always believe her, like when she said it was a mistake for Dr. Bob to play Scrabble with Babblers. I don't think she thinks my love is harmful. She doesn't try to make me stop loving Dr. Bob.
Posted by Dr. Bob on August 12, 2009, at 4:53:04
In reply to Re: feeling uncomfortable » Deneb, posted by BayLeaf on August 10, 2009, at 20:54:35
> imo socializing with you is doing the opposite of this - "maintains appropriate boundaries and doesn't reinforce your behavior"
Would you feel supported if others encouraged you to apologize or rephrase?
Bob
Posted by Glydin 00 on August 12, 2009, at 6:58:56
In reply to Re: feeling uncomfortable, posted by Dr. Bob on August 6, 2009, at 18:33:01
> No, at this time, anyway, I'm not convinced that a change is necessary.
>
> Bob~~~ My hope is you reassess from time to time as these type of posts may be problematic in the future for some if they continue as I believe they may. Maybe also look at these type of posts with an eye to the civility componant that deals with board harmony in addition to if they meet other board guidelines.
I simply ask that you be open minded.
Posted by Deneb on August 12, 2009, at 9:53:25
In reply to Re: feeling uncomfortable » Deneb, posted by BayLeaf on August 10, 2009, at 20:54:35
> Deneb - imo socializing with you is doing the opposite of this - "maintains appropriate boundaries and doesn't reinforce your behavior"
>
> I am sure you will disagree, because you love this behavior of his so much. That does not make it appropriate.
>
> bayHey Bayleaf,
Dr. Bob wants people to encourage you to re-phase or apologize. I know you are doing this because you think it might help me so I wouldn't want to see you blocked for wanting to help me.
Posted by BayLeaf on August 12, 2009, at 21:31:33
In reply to Re: feeling uncomfortable » BayLeaf, posted by Dr. Bob on August 12, 2009, at 4:53:04
Bob - you were fine with people suggesting Deneb change HER behavior, but when someone suggest you change YOUR behavior....whoa!! You throw out the apology card? Um, no I don't feel supported.
This situation took 2 people to create. One to simply generate sweet feelings, and one who encouraged it with hugs, dinner, drinks, site seeing, playing with her stuffed animal, etc. If that is not a boundary concern, I don't know what is?
If her strong feelings did not exist (say with other Babblers who have neutral feelings), the above behavior would not seem quite so problematic. But you were completely aware of Deneb's feelings. So, yes, imo, boudaries were not appropriately maintained.
Is expressing that wrong? I'm just laying out all the facts as presented in previously posts.
Deneb, I don't want to hurt you, or take away any joy. It may not seem like it, but I really only want to help.
bay
Posted by Deneb on August 12, 2009, at 22:07:45
In reply to Re: feeling uncomfortable » Dr. Bob, posted by BayLeaf on August 12, 2009, at 21:31:33
Please stop trying to convince Dr. Bob to avoid me. This whole topic is stressing me out a LOT. Please if you must, do this behind the scenes where I will not read it. My heart is skipping beats, it is very stressful for me.
Posted by Phillipa on August 12, 2009, at 22:28:19
In reply to Re: feeling uncomfortable » Dr. Bob, posted by BayLeaf on August 12, 2009, at 21:31:33
I'm comfortable with Deneb's posts about the same as having a crush on a movie star. Please let it rest. More important things in life like helping deliver Grandchildren. Phillipa
Posted by Glydin 00 on August 13, 2009, at 8:14:34
In reply to Re: feeling uncomfortable, posted by Deneb on August 12, 2009, at 22:07:45
> Please stop trying to convince Dr. Bob to avoid me.
~~~ I have not tried to convince Dr. Bob to avoid you.
> This whole topic is stressing me out a LOT.
~~~ Me too.
> Please if you must, do this behind the scenes where I will not read it.
~~~ I can relate to wanting that..... I would prefer to express my feelings on this board unless I am told otherwise by Dr. Bob. I hope you can empathize with those feelings. As you have suggested to me, maybe you could just not read them?
> My heart is skipping beats, it is very stressful for me.
~~~ I'm sorry this is distressful for you. It's been uncomfortable and distressing to me also.
Posted by Deneb on August 13, 2009, at 9:04:56
In reply to Re: feeling uncomfortable » Deneb, posted by Glydin 00 on August 13, 2009, at 8:14:34
OK, I will stop reading yours and Bayleafs posts.
I didn't know this was stressing you out this much. I guess we will just have to avoid one another.
Posted by Glydin 00 on August 13, 2009, at 15:32:49
In reply to Re: feeling uncomfortable » Glydin 00, posted by Deneb on August 13, 2009, at 9:04:56
> OK, I will stop reading yours and Bayleafs posts.
>
> I didn't know this was stressing you out this much. I guess we will just have to avoid one another.
>
>~~~ Yes, it's been stressful for me for quite some time.
As a last thought, I want you to know that I am aware this topic seems to be about you. My concerns would be equal if any other poster were engaging in this type of posting behavior and content. Further postings of this type from others are a potential given Dr. Bob is making no changes for now. I'm unable to change how I feel about that at this time...
I can't speak for Bayleaf but for you and I trying not to read one another's postings would probably be best for now since they are appear to be be mutually unsettling.
Maybe one day avoiding one another could change.... guess we'll see how that works out as time passes.
Posted by BayLeaf on August 13, 2009, at 21:00:17
In reply to Re: feeling uncomfortable, posted by Deneb on August 12, 2009, at 22:07:45
Bob and I WERE discussing this privately until u posted this:
Hey Bayleaf, I just wanted to reassure you that my love for Dr. Bob is pretty much harmless. I asked about my love on this doctor's forum and got this answer:
Your personality disorder predisposes you to seek enhanced emotional involvement, and it isn't surprising that you have focused on the doctor. As long as he maintains appropriate boundaries and doesn't reinforce your behavior, there is not much else to be done. I'm relieved that you understand that your rescue fantasies are indeed fantasies. You are receiving comprehensive treatment and seem reality-based, so your love is not causing treatment issues, and that's the best that anyone can hope for.
..............................
I replied stating that his actions did not seem to comply with their definition of boundary compliance. Since then, Bob seems to think I owe him an apology. I only listed his behaviors as per posted reports.
I'll gladly back out and everyone else can ignore the whole issue. Nothing happened, like on Men in Black. I'm out. Block me. A week. A month. A year. Whatever. I'm not apologizing for stating the obvious to a professional who can handle it. I take worse every day.
Bob, seriously....why do this? I thought we were getting somewhere. Did I hit a nerve? Countertransference bites, eh?
Bay
Posted by Dr. Bob on August 16, 2009, at 16:04:00
In reply to Re: feeling uncomfortable » Deneb, posted by BayLeaf on August 10, 2009, at 20:54:35
> imo socializing with you is doing the opposite of this - "maintains appropriate boundaries and doesn't reinforce your behavior"
Please don't post anything that could lead others (including me) to feel accused.
But please don't take this personally, either, this doesn't mean I don't like you or think you're a bad person, and I'm sorry if this hurts you.
I do hope that you choose to remain a member of this community and that this community helps you, if needed, to avoid future blocks. Deneb and Phillipa, thanks for trying to help this time.
More information about posting policies and tips on alternative ways to express oneself are in the FAQ:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#civil
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#enforceFollow-ups regarding these issues, as well as replies to the above post, should of course themselves be civil.
--
> when someone suggest you change YOUR behavior....whoa!! You throw out the apology card? Um, no I don't feel supported.
>
> Is expressing that wrong?IMO, expressing what you did the way you did was uncivil. Simply suggesting that I change my behavior might have been civil. The role of members of this group is to support and educate each other, and my role is to manage this group.
Bob
Posted by blahblahblah on October 26, 2009, at 9:27:13
In reply to Re: feeling uncomfortable » Deneb, posted by Glydin 00 on August 13, 2009, at 8:14:34
I may get blocked too, but i find it unfair that Bayleaf was blocked for having an opinion that others did not agree with. I find blocking showing a control stance, where it becomes a power struggle. Bayleaf did not appear out of line. Concerns were addressed, and they were logical concerns. If someone is worried about professional boundaries isn't it fair that they be expressed? Dr. Bob can you please explain to me why you asked Bayleaf to apologize to you, when from an outsiders perspective Bayleaf was just stating an opinion. As you would know, we do not always agree. So yeah, just wondering exactly what it is Bayleaf did wrong?
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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