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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rjlockhart04-08 on November 16, 2008, at 15:59:57
Hello, i hope your doing well.
This is nothing but the facts of what i've been, and go through. There is no propagagda, or exagerattion, neither shock value.
11/16/08
From my own prespective, i'm not a Psychiatrist. But i've evaluated every aspect of the emotions that have resulted into whats going on.
Early Childhood....Childhood, there was nothing wrong, i had good childhood. I was happy, and i loved what i did. Later on....11 years of age, for somereason....i would start talking but it had no relevence, and i did it just to be a comic, which eventually people laughed....ure funny..but they didnt know me as a "person". I started to be critized by my own peers, and went to adults for safety. As i grew older....things got very manifesting into something i didnt know what was happening, my teenage years where nothing, i had breakdowns on the floor, cried my eyes out, i did take Adderall at that time, (which i initally) started Adderall when i was 10. I noticed it procuded a feeling of order, and then more, a feeling of enthusiasm, which led to abuse. I would go to HS, i would see, but now that think, i was in my "own" reality....i didnt connect, with social relationships. Depression....but more of a "disconnected" depression was followed because i didnt understand the way reality, and what i was doing wrong, socially, acedimically, then eventually "who am i". I stayed quiet all through HS and never did anything to catch attention, because obvious, i knew.....i would be irritating.
Severe emotion breakdowns started around 2004, i never experienced such pain at once "a 1000 knives". At this point, i couldnt go to adults, i became an adult, people think i'm strange, in some aspect's of what i do, and politely "talk to you later". This created now that i think, dissocation, i would tune out reality and "didnt rerember" some years (2006) mainly.
Moods that, i would just sit in idleness, and do nothing, and have a unexplained feeling of loss of motivation, everything about life, i dont know if this is even classisfied in Disorders. Nothing....was going to be looked forward, to... i slept almost most of the time in 2006.
Next....going back, lack of idenity, i would replace it with images, alot. And switch back forth, but, it's draining.
But.....what i need to be seen, numerous breakdowns, the mind litterly split, created imaginary character's to encourge "hope", and do not kill yourself, because they told me, they loved me, even if the world hates you. It helped, it produced a feeling of euphoria, or "endorphin" release of warmness, i would close my eyes create a reality, a nice place to smooth out things. "Tiffany" was an character, which she was created as result of loneliness, but during times of stress in the car, dissocaited, driving, she takes over. But.....i switch back quick, because it's....scary knowing that another person takes control. But, the main reason.....the mind i think is decontructing itself, to build a better "one" person by switching and taking care of things. During breakdowns, there not that bad anymore because i switch out of "me" with the pain of the past. The main point, no one understands me, i'm confusing, but i'm trying to repair myself from trama of reality, and not knowing how to cope with it.
Right, now, my personality, in public usally if someone walks off, i'll make a very direct comment of who they are. It doenst hurt, because "Anyone who points the finger, is their logical opinion of that person, but it also reprents who they are"
My mind......loves, itself because i've developed this feeling "i cannot love", if some says they love me, its like touching a glass but not touching the hand. Because that glass was created to look through, and prevent damage from happening.
End.
The use of Dextroamphetamine, is high critized because its "speed", what i'm trying to tell people, i have abused adderall in past, bottem line, bad too. But, dextroamphetamine causes stablization in working, or socializing, i dont know but it stablizes something, but it also has side effects "apathy, depression" because it tunes the emotions out, at the prescibed dose. Higher doses will produce more "deep" feelings about life, and make feel "i'm stable, i'm normal". And people have told me, that's what a drug-dependent person says. No, i want to make a statement, just like someone taking let's say Paxil for depression.....is there anything wrong with that? exept Paxil is not controlled substance. It doesnt make a diffrence, no for people who just "recreationally" ingest narcotics, they dont know......they need to have deeper insight of why are they doing it? People, including myself at one time, i was considered filty for doing this. But i've came to the point, i have to justify why i need it, and if i have argue just like said with 20 people about it. Let it be.
Will you have maybe just a new insight, instead of what you label me as? now?
rj
Posted by rjlockhart04-08 on November 16, 2008, at 16:20:19
In reply to Dissociation - this is a Psychiatric Report, posted by rjlockhart04-08 on November 16, 2008, at 15:59:57
I've been prescibed Xanax in the past for "out of control panic attacks" but they where not noticeable, they where my mind, i would feel i was deattaching from my body because i couldnt take what was going, even if it was a simple task.
Xanax i have to state to my doctor, for now, it "vital" because, the anxiety, and the painful emotions that manifest, the mind will have create other character's to cope with stress.
Xanax just provides a feeling of "soothness, and calming emotions". It's potent, i've been on Ativan, Klonopin, they didnt work, Ativan only "mild" even at 2mg. Klonopin at 2mg would cause more suicidal thoughts....that funny because its a tranquilizer. Xanax 2mg hit it, i will come out of "derealization" and feel normal.
The point, i know exactly what people are going to say, "your dependent", well....first, my mind will shut off a personality when it's overwhelmed, or humilated, and be another charater. I dont want another personality to manifest. So, this is a fact which i know will have a result.
There are parts of my mind, i tune out emotions, and only think logically, no feelings. Then "drama", i cant stand drama, exept for TV shows, 90210....that stuff.
Alcohol obviously was used in the past before any sedatives came out, to soothe emotions or stress of the day. Alcohol, is "ancient", it works, but it has bad bad side effects, causes anger, but causes.....relief. That's why people are sometimes are in a cycle of working....then drinking scotch after the day is over with.
Barbiturates....should be thrown out, they where made just for money value, to medical purposes, just throw them off the market, there much more worse than alcohol, toxic, why are they still around? kick them off the market just like the goverment did with Quuladude in 1985.
SSRI's are....they can cause hypo-mania, and negitive feelings. They dont help anxiety, to my perceptive, they increase the feeling of going insane.
That's it....
Hope someone read's this, but who cares? people dont respond to things that do not apply to them.
Here just some info....
rj
Posted by JadeKelly on November 16, 2008, at 19:38:22
In reply to Re: Xanax usage, posted by rjlockhart04-08 on November 16, 2008, at 16:20:19
RJ,
I'm confused. People always post to your threads. I do. You never post back, but thats OK. You're right, I don't exactly know what you go through, or what your disorder is. I DO have experience with being around people with many disorders, and I myself am Atyp/TR MDD. I found your first post (tonight) to be lucid, introspective, and honest. I don't know you, except for your recent posts, but you sounded the best I've heard you.
Maybe too much debate about your med use, and more discussion about what could help you feel better? Isn't that what were all looking for? I would like to say that growing up with brothers and raising sons, high school can be the WORST time for some. Especially when you are stuck in a crowd of students who don't understand you. But I PROMISE, you will be much happier when you have time to find groups or friends that you click with. You will, it may take some time, but you will.
I don't know what you take other than the stim, any PDoc meds? Any firm diagnosis, other than depression? Ever treated for anything other than depression? Just wondering. Hope you have a diagnosis from a good/thourough PDoc. It could make ALL the difference in your mood. I hope you'll look into it!! BTW-I really DID like your first post. Its a scary thing (for me) to "tell my story", so, good for you RJ!
Hope to hear back~Jade
Posted by Phillipa on November 17, 2008, at 0:32:50
In reply to Re: Xanax usage » rjlockhart04-08, posted by JadeKelly on November 16, 2008, at 19:38:22
RJ contact me. Are you working with bro? And still on same meds? I haven't heard from you in a while. Love second Mom Phillipa
Posted by rjlockhart04-08 on November 17, 2008, at 0:42:54
In reply to Re: Xanax usage, posted by Phillipa on November 17, 2008, at 0:32:50
ill....its 12:41pm...
Danm, i ever get around, i'm terrible at time.
For god sakes i hope i rerember tommorow, i have memory....problems, i forgot what i did, where i ma... its wierd.
thank love rj
Posted by rjlockhart04-08 on November 17, 2008, at 0:48:21
In reply to Re: Xanax usage » rjlockhart04-08, posted by JadeKelly on November 16, 2008, at 19:38:22
Hello! i can bearly keep my eyes open.....seriously.
But, that's a opinionated dianoses, i didnt know what was going on until i spoke to a therist about it. He didnt think much of it....neither did it.... (3 years ago) but it mainfestest in times of intress stress where you think your going to "black out", switch.
I rarely even think i have this, i think you call this more imaginary help, through the mind.
But listen......oooooohhhhhhhh god some one help me! i'm about fall out of my seat!
I just am prone naturally not to respond back, which inturn backstabed me because communication is #1 key, and that's been my problem my whole life, is communication and understanding.
But really Thanks....
i gotta hit the pillow.
rj
Posted by JadeKelly on November 17, 2008, at 16:33:58
In reply to Re:jade, posted by rjlockhart04-08 on November 17, 2008, at 0:48:21
>
> I just am prone naturally not to respond back, which inturn backstabed me because communication is #1 key, and that's been my problem my whole life, is communication and understanding.Well, RJ, you'll get both from me if you want, this is a GREAT place to practice, too. So be well, and I'll look for your next post!
Thanks for responding~Jade
This is the end of the thread.
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