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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pretty_paints on June 10, 2005, at 10:05:01
Hello
I'm feeling really bad. I've just been down to see my pdoc and have told her that I'm completely in love with her. It was really horrendous, but im glad i was honest, and she said thank you for being so honest, it is really helpful.
SO why on the meds board?
Well I am just so tired out. I want to die away. My pdoc says this is another psychotic symptom and in a way I agree with her BECAUSE it can change person. For example, for five years I had an extremely powerful connection to an old boyfriend. I believed we were in love with eachother and the thoughts and daydreams consumed me ALL the time. To the point of non-functioning. We hardly were in touch at all, but in my mind he was sending me signals and signs. Then when I got to 30mg Abilify, it was like someone just switched a switch off. ALL my feelings just stopped dead. I realised I wasn't in love with him, and now didn't even particularly like him. Then my meds were messed around with and it happened with my consultant pdoc and then that faded, then now it's happened BIG TIME with my pdoc. It is so utterly overwhelming, I just cannot explain. I was pulling away from her and retreating into my own world, but one thing she always has said about me is that I try so hard to be honest and fight to stay in "this world". So I thought I need to tell her about these feelings. So I did and she was fine about it. I told her I had gone to see a show last night (which i did, it was crap) but I couldn't stop imagining her there with her kids and her husband and how JEALOUS i was of her husband, it just made me want to die. Now I found out these things in a totally ok way. Someone mentioned she had kids ages ago (plus, she always takes the school holidays off, so duh, doesn't need much working out) and with the husband, I just ASSUMED she was married. She may well not be.
But if she is, she's gonna be thinking HOW DOES THIS GIRL KNOW I HAVE A HUSBAND AND KIDS?
I asked her if she would keep seeing me and she said...
"yes, as long as you are able to say to me 'these feelings have come about since i lowered my dose'" or something along those lines.
SO BASICALLY SHE IS SAYING THAT IF I LOOSE INSIGHT, SHE WILL BE OFF!
Do you think that is what she is saying?
I am so devestated because I loose insight a lot, today was a good day. I don't know what is true and what isn't in terms of my thought structures, but sometimes I know that maybe "things just aren't right". I know for sure tho that a lot of the stuff she says is psychosis is just her way of trying to protect her company (who are monitoring me).
Anyway the point is - what if I loose insight about this? Will she just LEAVE me? I really could not handle that. Before anyone asks, this is not to do with "therapy" issues because I have been in therapy for a year and yes, I have some issues, but nothing this big. I do not have a fear or being left or being abandoned or walked out on, and i had a happy childhood and my parents are together. It's not that I want someone to care about me, it's that I feel I'm IN LOVE with her. I want to BE with her, even though I can't.
Can anyone please tell me, if you know, what are the protocalls with this type of thing????? Will my doc stick by me?? I OBVIOUSLY understand that relationships are forbidden and quite rightly so. But what I want to know is, at what point will she think "ok we need a new doctor in here", and shove me over onto someone else. Does she think I'm a threat to her, because I mentioned her kids and her husband? Does she think I'm gonna become obsessed and start stalking her?
You know, I'M worried I'm gonna become obsessed and start stalking her. What if I turn out like the equivalent of the dirty old pervert who goes around stalking people? I CAN'T HANDLE THIS.
I just can't handle having all these feelings squashed in my little body. I did all this with that ex-boyfriend for FIVE YEARS OF HELL, and just as I finally understood what was going on, IT'S STARTED AGAIN WITH SOMEONE ELSE. I had to come off the 30mg Abilify coz of unbearable side effects. Now I'm on 20mg, the side efffects are still bad but I'm not allowed to go any lower yet.
I feel so weak and vunerable and I feel like I NEED my doctor to support me. But now I feel she's not going to be able to support me because of what I have told her. She is always going to be wary of me now isn't she, always worried about giving me a pat on the arm or whatever incase I missinterpret it. So who's gonna be able to support me? No-one. I'm just the sad old stalker in the corner.
Just for the record, I'm not gay. It just doesn't seem to make much difference once I've become fixated on a person. It never ties in to my REAL LIFE. Even I can see that it's silly to think im in love with her, I don't even know her!!!
Anyway dr bob, please don't redirect this to therapy room, coz the only mates I have on here are in this chat room.
In terms of meds this is how things stand. My pdoc wants me to go into hospital. I cant at the mo as I'm supposed to be going on holiday in a week. She does not approve really but my parents need a holiday and they wont go and leave me so... anyway, we meet when I get back and she says then i should go into hospital to get the EEG done and to sort my meds out. I have been on Risperdal, Zyprexa, Seroquel and Abilify, all working *to some extent*. I don't want to go in as it will be too easy for them to keep monitoring me and carrying out their special project on me. Last time I went in hospital it was shite. The nurses were shite and told me I was being hysterical. They made me feel like I was attention-seeking. The bitches. It meant I didn't tell the truth for ages after I got out, for fear that if I told people my school was controlling me (which they were), they would just say "what a story that is, you're attention seeking". So I mentioned NO to all the questions, even when the answers I believed were YES. Now I feel so scared of pnurses, I know they'll be horrible to me if I go in hospital again.
Anyway lets round things up. So does anyone know about the protocal if a patient tells his pdoc that he's in love with her? When does another doc step in????
My pdoc says this "falling in love" feeling is a symptom of psychosis, has anyone ever had it?? She says it's not a common one, but that it definately exists. That is a relief for me coz it makes me feel that deep down these might NOT be my real feelings. Which is GOOD.
All I am worried about now is that I'm gonna have to lie to her. If I'm completely infatuted with her and can't get her out of my head, if I tell her this and if things keep getting worse and I keep telling her, eventually she's gonna have to pass me on to a diff doc, which I don't want. So I'll have to lie and say "no things are getting better". And I'll just in the background be feeling worse.
Anyway sorry for the big rant. Anyone with any advice i'd soo appreciate it.
Love from a nice, pleasant, honest 21-year-old girl from England.
(NOT SOME DODGY STALKER WHO NEEDS TO BE IN PRISON)...I hope
ps: I have NEVER stalked someone. I am just worried that I'm gonna end up like that :-( :-( :-(
Posted by ed_uk on June 10, 2005, at 11:04:00
In reply to Feedling desperate, posted by pretty_paints on June 10, 2005, at 10:05:01
Hello Katie,
I'm sorry to hear that things are so hard atm :-( Have a hug....
((((((Pretty)))))
>I believed we were in love with each other and the thoughts and daydreams consumed me ALL the time. To the point of non-functioning. We hardly were in touch at all, but in my mind he was sending me signals and signs.
It sounds like an erotomanic delusion. Erotomanic delusions can be a symptom of psychosis. An erotomanic delusion is when someone falsely believes that another person is in love with them, often a stranger.>Then when I got to 30mg Abilify, it was like someone just switched a switch off. ALL my feelings just stopped dead. I realised I wasn't in love with him, and now didn't even particularly like him. Then my meds were messed around with and it happened with my consultant pdoc and then that faded, then now it's happened BIG TIME with my pdoc.
I think you saw your pdoc on Monday. Are you going to try a different antipsychotic?
>So I thought I need to tell her about these feelings. So I did and she was fine about it.
I don't think you need to worry. Pdocs are used to this. I think your feelings for her will decrease when your antipsychotic treatment has been optimised :-)
>SO BASICALLY SHE IS SAYING THAT IF I LOOSE INSIGHT, SHE WILL BE OFF!
That's not what she's saying! She saying that if your love for hear is not a psychotic symptom (which I think it is), you might do better with a different pdoc.
>I know for sure tho that a lot of the stuff she says is psychosis is just her way of trying to protect her company (who are monitoring me).
Doesn't she work for the NHS?
>Anyway the point is - what if I loose insight about this? Will she just LEAVE me?
If your psychosis gets worse and you loose insight, I think it will be obvious to your pdoc - she has a lot of experience. She will know that your love for her is a psychotic symptom because your other psychotic symptoms will also have got worse.
>My pdoc wants me to go into hospital. I cant at the mo as I'm supposed to be going on holiday in a week.
Can your parents cancel the holiday? Your parents care much more about your health than about the holiday. You are precious to them :-)
>I don't want to go in as it will be too easy for them to keep monitoring me..........
They will monitor your symptoms when you're in hospital. The EEG will rule out any 'medical' problems which could be contributing to your symptoms. You'll feel much better once you've got your medication fixed.
>Now I feel so scared of pnurses, I know they'll be horrible to me if I go in hospital again.
You'll probably meet some new pnurses. Even if you don't like them, please tell them the truth about how you are feeling and what you are thinking. They will be able to help you. I know hospital is boring but there's no need to be scared of it.
>So does anyone know about the protocal if a patient tells his pdoc that he's in love with her?
I don't think there is an official protocol. Your pdoc will use her own judgement to decide what to do.
>My pdoc says this "falling in love" feeling is a symptom of psychosis, has anyone ever had it?? She says it's not a common one, but that it definately exists.
She's right :-)
OK, four things that you *definitely* need to tell your pdoc........
1. 'I don't want to go in (to hospital) as it will be too easy for them to keep monitoring me and carrying out their special project on me. '
2. 'I know for sure tho that a lot of the stuff she says is psychosis is just her way of trying to protect her company (who are monitoring me).'
3. That you think the people from your school are controlling you.
4. 'So I mentioned NO to all the questions, even when the answers I believed were YES.'
Lots of love,
Ed xxxxxxxx
Posted by pretty_paints on June 10, 2005, at 11:17:16
In reply to Re: Feedling desperate » pretty_paints, posted by ed_uk on June 10, 2005, at 11:04:00
Thank you Ed! You're a sweetie! Ah, your replies are always so long and detailed, ah I love them.
Thank you for your answers. Yes she'll probably be able to handle it, she is probably used to this sort of thing. I understand Erotomania as "delusionally believeing someone loves you". Is it possible to delusionally believe YOU love someone, when you actually don't?
The four things at the end, she mostly knows. Do I need to tell her again is that what you're saying? Or if I've already told her is it ok to leave it? She knows about the school controlling me and about them monitoring me. I haven't told her I said no to all those questions when I meant yes, but I have since said yes to the same sorts of questions. I have that KGV thing too, which is really long and detailed ALTHOUGH I MIGHT ADD, they do not touch on the subject of Erotomania AT ALL. They touch on like, every other possible senario but not that one!
Grr. Ok. Ok. Things will be fine. I am not a stalker. She won't run off. Good. I agree with you Ed, that's why I tried to tell her on a good day. That way, if I have a bad day next week and go in and say "Helen, I'm in love with you, let's elope NOW". At least now she will realise it's a symptom, whereas otherwise she might think im in love with her for real. I don't trust her very much do I, like in her abilities as a doc? I don't think she'll pick up on things when in reality she probably would.
Anyway, thanks Ed, how are things with you? Feeling any better?
love kate xxxxxxxx
Posted by ed_uk on June 10, 2005, at 11:47:44
In reply to Re: Feedling desperate, posted by pretty_paints on June 10, 2005, at 11:17:16
Hi Katie!
>Yes she'll probably be able to handle it, she is probably used to this sort of thing.
LOL, she'll have come across much more difficult problems in the past!
>Is it possible to delusionally believe YOU love someone, when you actually don't?
I'm sure it is. As you said, you know you don't really love her because you don't really know her. I suppose being obsessed with someone is different to loving them.
>Do I need to tell her again is that what you're saying?
I think it would be best to tell her again - just to emphasise.
>I haven't told her I said no to all those questions when I meant yes........
I think you should tell her :-)
>I am not a stalker.........
True :-)
>Feeling any better?
I started the citalopram immediately after my OCD symptoms started to return. I think I caught it in time, my OCD is under control :-) I'll keep you updated.
Love Ed xxxx
Posted by Maxime on June 10, 2005, at 11:59:58
In reply to Feedling desperate, posted by pretty_paints on June 10, 2005, at 10:05:01
Hi.
I don't think your pdoc is looking for insight. What she means is she wants you to be honest with her the way you were this time because it can help her guage where you are at. For instance, in this case it's psychosis. So just be honest with her. Which you have been.
So don't worry. She isn't going to dump you. She knows you are ill and she is going to help you.
Hugs,
Maxime
Posted by JenStar on June 10, 2005, at 13:25:39
In reply to Feedling desperate, posted by pretty_paints on June 10, 2005, at 10:05:01
hi pretty_paints,
hopefully the doctor won't drop you just because you said you were in love with her. It doesn't sound like you're a threat to her or yourself. It DOES sound like you develop infatuations and obsessions with people - that you can't live daily life without being infatuated with someone. It seems, from what you mentioned, that it's your sort of "modus operandi" to have an infatuation to keep you excited and interested and involved.It doesn't mean that you're crazy or that you'll turn into a stalker. I think it means you have a lot of excess love and care and attention and no one on whom to lavish it.
Is there another outlet for your emotions, love and energy? If there is no current boyfriend, can you devote some of that energy onto yourself? Maybe pamper yourself some - work out, do nice things that you like. For other people, maybe getting involved with volunteering as a side job? Doing work at a pet shelter? Writing a book? Voluteering to tutor at-risk kids?
Hopefully your therapist will talk about WHY you seem to get infatuated with people, rather than just shove you off onto someone else. It might not JUST be the meds - it might be part of your personality. Maybe you're just the kind of person who can be extremely devoted and loyal and loving. You just haven't yet found the right "repository" or object for your devotions!
Does any of that make sense at all? Does it seem "right?" Sorry if I'm completely off the mark.
I hope you feel better soon.
take care!JenStar
Posted by JenStar on June 10, 2005, at 13:41:29
In reply to Feedling desperate, posted by pretty_paints on June 10, 2005, at 10:05:01
I would encourage you to be totally honest with her. Tell her about the infatuation, and ask her to help with ways to deal with it and make it go away. It sounds like you logically KNOW you don't really "love" her in the relationship sense. You said you're not gay, for one, and you admitted that it's an obsession and not "real." So tell her all that and see how she reacts. I know transference is very common in therapy relationships, and yours is obviously extremely strong. Hopefully once you're honest about it, that in itself will help you pull away from it and realize that you don't really "love" her.
maybe you want to be LIKE her. You're jealous of her whole SITUATION - husband, kids, good job, nice life. Maybe you want to BE her, not to be WITH her. Could that be part of it? You see her as a link to the life you want to have, so you fixate on HER instead of the life she has?
Ask her to help you figure out why you "like" her so much. Make categories. Do you like the way she looks, the way she talks, the job she has, the family, her confidence, her health, her car? What would make you happy in your life? You're very young. YOu have a lot of life in front of you, and can make plans to achieve the things you want!
I know you mentioned psychosis & other potential issues, which can obviously be helped with meds, but to me these seem like important things too.
Again, sorry if I'm completely off the mark.
hope you feel better soon!
JenStar
Posted by Phillipa on June 10, 2005, at 18:23:02
In reply to Re: Feedling desperate » pretty_paints, posted by JenStar on June 10, 2005, at 13:41:29
Pretty_paints, sorry to hear things aren't going well for you. I agree with what everyone else has said. Have you changed any of your other meds? What do your parents say? Have you told them? I know they care very deeply for you from what you've said in the past. I know they want what is best for you first. That would be more important than a vacation to them. But most importantly know that everyone cares. Please feel free to Babblemail me anytime. Fondly, Phillipa
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