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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on June 21, 2004, at 18:46:14
I'm embarrassed even to post this, and I know it's totally nuts. I guess it's either a sign of how much I trust you all, or a sign that I'm too wound up to get through until Wednesday (second session with this new therapist -- someone please send her a sympathy card for this trial by fire?)
Anyway, you know that last week, in crisis, I was turned away from my appointment with the doctor. Then my husband called the head of the clinic -- saying he was "after blood" at this point -- to find out what could be done to get me something a little closer to adequate care. (By the way, while it really isn't a good thing to do, knocking myself out for days on end with Xanax and Percodan did keep me alive -- with the help of the life line you all are holding onto for me. As I left the clinic, I was planning on suicide that afternoon -- I just couldn't stand any more of this hell.)
So, today, my husband called and said that, "oh, by the way," (<<drives me crazy -- I know it's always something terrible, even though every once in a while it isn't) he'd spoken with the clinic director again and something's going to change. Now, I know my husband's voice, so I know there is something going on that he's not happy about, but I don't know if it's about the clinic or about his job or what. It frightens me. All I know at this point is that I will still be seeing the same doctor, at the same facility.
Now, that's all still lead in...
Here's the problem: I'm afraid again. I'm afraid to walk into that place, to walk into his office, to face him. I'm petrified.
Mind you, I know I need the meds -- no question, if I plan to live more than another week or so, I need those meds. I also know that changing to another facility at this point would be terrifying. Probably MORE terrifying than continuing to see Dr Really-Needs-Professional-Help-In-The-Footwear-Department. (Sorry, today he can't be referred to by his real name.) And my experience with changing staff at this place has been such a nightmare that I'd be afraid to see another doctor there. But none of that matters. I'm still petrified.
(Yes, I will see the therapist on Wednesday. I suspect this will be a topic.)
Can anyone offer anything about this? Even if you just want to tell me to quit my bellyaching, do it. I think, mostly, I need contact at this point. But if you think you understand at all, please tell me that, too?
Posted by Racer on June 21, 2004, at 21:31:47
In reply to OK, now this really *is* nuts -- paralysing fear, posted by Racer on June 21, 2004, at 18:46:14
Let's see, they won't see me until next month, and in future, should I have any difficulties with medications, I am not to call the doctor, the proper person to call is the "case manager" -- same chick who'll call and not leave a message, doesn't return calls, etc.
Of course, the good news is that they won't hold my history against me. Oh, yeah, and I can have all the Xanax I want.
My husband put it in as positive a light as he could, but the end result is that -- guess what? -- I don't know how I'll be able to go back there after all this. I'm just too spooked.
This is what, June? That's a full year now. I have six months -- or more, there seems to be trouble with the prospective insurance -- before I can get treatment. How on earth can I make it?
Posted by Shar on June 21, 2004, at 22:39:38
In reply to Well, now I know what was said, posted by Racer on June 21, 2004, at 21:31:47
Wow,
I don't know what to say.I just know you can make it.
Welcome to my world, Sweetheart. And...don't go anywhere else for at least a month.
Many xoxo's,
Shar
Posted by NikkiT2 on June 22, 2004, at 5:56:41
In reply to OK, now this really *is* nuts -- paralysing fear, posted by Racer on June 21, 2004, at 18:46:14
I totally understand that paralysing fear.. its that feeling like you're about to be caught out and something bad will happen, and it sits deep in your stomach..
CBT has helped this in me somewhat.. but I still get it..
Fear is a nasty feeling.. I have it at the moment over a friendship that is about to go belly up..
So.. while I have no advice on how to ease it (other than facing the situation and finding out there was nothing to fear).. I do understand it..
*hugs you*
Nikki xx
Posted by NikkiT2 on June 22, 2004, at 6:01:27
In reply to Well, now I know what was said, posted by Racer on June 21, 2004, at 21:31:47
You've made a year.. 6 month is only a third of 18 months.. You've made it to 66% of that.. you CAN make another 33%.. see, you've held on for longer than you have left..
But forget the whole 6 months thing and give much shorter dead lines..
And I know this will sound naff.. but try andgive yourself treats for making it a week, 3 weeks, 6 weeks etc.. Thats how I'm treating my giving up smoking.. think of something that you oculd enjoy.. maybe a nice oil massage, or reflexology, or a hair cut.. I dunno.. but something that is a treat..
I know when I was at my most suicidal I would give myself a point to focus on.. a nephews birthday for example.. and when that passed I gave myself another one (normally the neices and nephews birthdays.. but with 8 of them it covers most of the year!)..
hnag in there honey.. just hang on tight
Nikki xx
This is the end of the thread.
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