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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kellyr. on June 8, 2004, at 19:43:06
i've been looking back at the yrs i've been on babble & i came to see that i'm not getting any better, at times i see some, but not mush. So how can i go on if this is what my life is going to be nothing but saddness & disappointment. why do i even try, what is the point of living? my kids are driving me nuts at times & my husband is never home(that's good at times)work,church,& the firehouse. is me being sad & suicidal all the time driving him away? so i'm w/ the kids alote, i'm sleeping alote more to make the day go by faster, i'm eating junk food cause i don't have the well to get out of bed or couch to cook for myself, but i'll make dinner for them. can anyone tell me what i should do w/ all this saddness & bad thoughts?
Posted by Racer on June 9, 2004, at 12:31:31
In reply to look back on the yrs on babble(trigger), posted by kellyr. on June 8, 2004, at 19:43:06
No, I can't tell you what to do with the sadness and hopelessness. Or rather, I can tell you, but it won't help, because I tell myself frequently and it doesn't help me. (It only gives me more to berate myself about.)
I recently reread a bunch of my old posts here, from 98/99 timeframe, and it's pretty intense. On the one hand, it reminds me of how miserable I've been, which adds to my hopelessness. That part isn't good. It also showed me a few things that helped me, though, in very bizarre ways. I remembered what I went through with the doctor who prescribed the Serzone for me way back -- the drug that caused such problems for me that I searched around until I found this place -- and that kinda centered me back into balance, because that situation was truly medical abuse of a patient, and other doctors thought so, too. (The Serzone put me in the hospital, and the surgeon who admitted me tried to convince her to take me off the Serzone, and she refused. He was pretty upset about it, and didn't much hide it. That was external reinforcement of my own perceptions about the situation.)
Reading my old posts also reminded me that I like some of what I wrote back then. If I can write advice that I still think is good several years later, and if I can maintain some consistency in my written 'voice' over time, then I might just be something like the person I wanted to be. It's not much to hold onto, in the face of what life's handing me these days, but if I can continue to hold on -- however tenuously -- to the idea that it's *not* a fundamental flaw in me, but a flaw in the care I have access to right now, that keeps me from being able to be treated successfully -- again, it ain't much, but I'm trying to make believe it's enough. It's not me, it really is them.
Of course, the one thing I am doing is trying to find enough external evidence that it really isn't me that I'll be convinced. I'm not, I probable never will be, but I do have a few things that I reread when I need them. Protocols for the treatment of Major Depression -- Severe that clearly show that I'm not getting the minimal standard of care considered "adequate", for example. Knowing that in some empirical sense my care really is inadequate, as defined by a psychiatric researcher at a recognized facility, helps me hold on to enough hope that adequate treatment will help me.
Sorry, kellyr, I can't tell you how to hold on. I've offered up what I'm trying to do to hold on, and I hope there's something for you in it that might help. The only other thing I can offer is one of those things that sounds like bootstrapping to me when I say it to myself, so I don't really offer it to you -- consider it an observation: if one can find something to concentrate on, the distraction can help. So much the better if it involves contact with others. Volunteering time can be helpful, if you can find an opportunity that fits you. (Some days I think about volunteering to clean cages at the local humane society, for example. Lots of people want to play with the animals, but I bet they need consistent cage cleaners, you know? Sure would make me a popular volunteer, doncha think?) Or, what might work better for you if you aren't ready to go outside the house, is something like painting, needlepoint (tell your husband it's for a pillow, or for therapy -- don't let him say it's a waste of time), learn to weave, sew something, refinish a piece of furniture, take an online course in computer programming -- something to stretch your brain and your creativity and remind you of who you are. Or not. I can't do it right now, so I don't suggest that you're ready for it, either.
Kellyr, here's the only thing I can offer to you: my empathy, and my best wishes. You have those.
Posted by shar on June 12, 2004, at 2:48:28
In reply to look back on the yrs on babble(trigger), posted by kellyr. on June 8, 2004, at 19:43:06
K--
Wait!I see a lot of absolutes (always/never, that type of thing) in your post.
You are obviously in pain, which I can *totally* understand, but....
here is more pain...
If you are not yet 50 years old, plus you have kids...
there are not too many alternatives for you. You simply must stay.
I would do nearly anything to take away your pain, but, please know, that 'til you're 50 or older, you gotta stick around. For your kiddos, for Babble, for me, for ... whatever.
Even a suicidal mom is better than no mom IMO.
Please, hang in there.
I'm right there with you, suicidal all the time.
Shar
> i've been looking back at the yrs i've been on babble & i came to see that i'm not getting any better, at times i see some, but not mush. So how can i go on if this is what my life is going to be nothing but saddness & disappointment. why do i even try, what is the point of living? my kids are driving me nuts at times & my husband is never home(that's good at times)work,church,& the firehouse. is me being sad & suicidal all the time driving him away? so i'm w/ the kids alote, i'm sleeping alote more to make the day go by faster, i'm eating junk food cause i don't have the well to get out of bed or couch to cook for myself, but i'll make dinner for them. can anyone tell me what i should do w/ all this saddness & bad thoughts?
Posted by Noa on June 12, 2004, at 6:06:20
In reply to look back on the yrs on babble(trigger), posted by kellyr. on June 8, 2004, at 19:43:06
Kelly,
I agree with Shar on the issue of 'suicidal mom better than no mom' (of course everyone knows I don't agree with Shar's 50 rule, though).
Maybe you need a day treatment program or something right now?
Anywya, we like you a lot and want you to stick around. Just think how much moreso your husband and kids (even though they annoy you sometimes).
Kelly, maybe your meds need a tweaking. They don't sound like they're doing enough right now.
Take care.
Posted by kellyr. on June 12, 2004, at 16:46:36
In reply to Re: look back on the yrs on babble(trigger), posted by Noa on June 12, 2004, at 6:06:20
i can't stop thinking about suicide like i'm ocd or something. noa & shar i'm not even closes to 50yrs old but i have no plains of ever get there sorrry! as you can tell i'm not doing good yet, mybe soon i hope. i did get out of the house today after being up til 2:30am (good old walmart) that may me feel a little better. the weather here is geat after rained so many days. sunny and 70*. maybe i'll get out & do the lawn?
Posted by shar on June 13, 2004, at 19:20:20
In reply to Re: look back on the yrs on babble(trigger), posted by Noa on June 12, 2004, at 6:06:20
You don't agree with my half-century rule?! How canst that be? I'm talking general suicide, here, not due to terminal illness/palliative care/ending treatment issues.
Really, I smiled when I read it because of your forthrightness, but I didn't know you disagreed (at 52, everything seems new again, because you forget so much...). How come you disagree? Because it should be an option any time? Or, maybe never be an option?
Shar
Posted by shar on June 13, 2004, at 19:32:23
In reply to Re: look back on the yrs on babble(trigger), posted by kellyr. on June 12, 2004, at 16:46:36
KR,
So sorry you are in so much pain. I can relate.Here's part of the deal with me. If one thing that happens could totally turn your situation around, then that is not a good time for suicide.
For example, if (as Noa suggested) you could tweak your meds and feel better, that could change the whole landscape. Or, if terrible financial problems could be solved by getting a job (no matter how bad the outlook for jobs is), then that isn't a good time for suicide either.
Maybe, I don't know, just maybe it would help to think that your horizon MAY shift just enough to make it worthwhile to go on. Now, I know depression can be chemical and not that affected by therapy, but it couldn't hurt to try to give some cognitive structure to your ideation, if possible.
I'm glad you got out of the house. I used to go to the only 24-hour grocery store here (it was big, lots of browsing) when my son was asleep and his dad was at home. Getting out helped, as hard as it was.
I hope you'll feel better. I'm rooting for you!
Shar
Posted by Noa on June 13, 2004, at 19:38:06
In reply to Noa: WHAT ?!?!, posted by shar on June 13, 2004, at 19:20:20
I guess I think it shouldn't be thought of as an option at any time. There's lots of life after fifty, anyway, and maybe even better than the first half, who knows!
Posted by Noa on June 13, 2004, at 19:40:24
In reply to Re: look back on the yrs on babble(trigger), posted by kellyr. on June 12, 2004, at 16:46:36
Wow, Kelly! It is good to see you enjoying even just a few moments of relief from the worst of the pain. The fact that you are even thinking of doing the lawn--I'm impressed.
Personally, when I had difficulty getting out of the house, the library was a good place to go. I still love going to the library.
I'm hoping for you, Kelly!
Posted by kellyr. on June 14, 2004, at 15:52:33
In reply to Re: look back on the yrs on babble(trigger), posted by Noa on June 13, 2004, at 19:40:24
never got to the lawn, i just didn't have it in me to do anything but sleep today. i feel like i took one step back w/ this depression:-( i just wish it could be over w/ now. i see the nurse for meds on thursday i'm going to tell her about how i being doing cause she'll leason to me not like my T. i hope she doesn't want me in the hospital again.
Posted by kellyr. on June 14, 2004, at 19:23:31
In reply to Re: look back on the yrs on babble(trigger) » Noa, posted by kellyr. on June 14, 2004, at 15:52:33
i missed my appointment it was for today not thursday stupit me. i called my T today waiting for a call back.
Posted by Noa on June 14, 2004, at 21:47:12
In reply to Re: look back on the yrs on babble(trigger) » kellyr., posted by kellyr. on June 14, 2004, at 19:23:31
Aw, shoot, Kelly. How frustrating. I've gotten really mixed up, too, sometimes. That is, if I don't have a regular routine day for my appointment. I hope you can get in for a visit real soon.
If you need to sleep, don't sweat it. And the fact that you didn't do the lawn doesn't matter at all. Just the fact that you had that thought (even if just a fleeting thought) that you might feel up for doing the lawn--just that thought is a sign of hope.
Sometimes sleep does help us get through the depression.
Hope you get that appointment soon.
Posted by coral on June 15, 2004, at 7:19:33
In reply to look back on the yrs on babble(trigger), posted by kellyr. on June 8, 2004, at 19:43:06
Shar made an excellent point - if one thing can alter the horizon .. . . in the depths of my depressive agony, there were times thought of suicide was the one possibly good point. No matter how bad things got, I could always opt-out. That may sound perverse but it kept me here through some endlessly black times.
Coral
Posted by Racer on June 15, 2004, at 9:34:40
In reply to Re: Shar's point, posted by coral on June 15, 2004, at 7:19:33
At various times in my life, I've decided on suicide -- but only after I've tried those last-ditch-effort things that I couldn't do when I wanted to live. It's as if deciding to die has opened up new options that weren't there before, relieved some of the pressures that kept me from doing anything, something like that.
Of course, it could just be that we're really, really perverse and totally weird, but I think making the decision isn't the really bad part. I think ACTING on the decision is the bad part, you know?
No synaptic activity today, so this is short. But I, too, have found it possible to do better for myself after deciding I would die -- relieves the pressure a lot, maybe.
Posted by kellyr. on June 15, 2004, at 13:45:49
In reply to Re: look back on the yrs on babble(trigger) » kellyr., posted by Noa on June 14, 2004, at 21:47:12
i made another appointment w/ the nurse on monday, i've even called my T but he still hasn't called back yet. i'm wondering if i should call again? i don't even know what to say,hi this is kelly i'm suicidal or should i just see him and tell him? i know i should be in the hospital but my husband doesn't want me to go.
Posted by coral on June 15, 2004, at 18:00:43
In reply to That's worked for me, too » coral, posted by Racer on June 15, 2004, at 9:34:40
It seems like we had different "takes" on the same idea. I never decided I would commit suicide (although I did come up with over a 100 ways), it was that I could decide to commit suicide.
Make any sense? And, as you say, there's a perversity about this approach but it worked for me.
It sounds as things are improving a bit for you? I certainly hope so!
Coral
Posted by kellyr. on June 16, 2004, at 13:16:44
In reply to look back on the yrs on babble(trigger), posted by kellyr. on June 8, 2004, at 19:43:06
i couldn't do it that is shoot myself, i sat there w/ the gun to my head and just couldn't do it. i sat there cring that god would take me but he doesn't hear me, my T hasn't called me back either, i don't know if i sould call again? what should i do?
Posted by kellyr. on June 16, 2004, at 21:47:54
In reply to Re: look back on the yrs on babble(trigger), posted by kellyr. on June 16, 2004, at 13:16:44
good-bye
Posted by Noa on June 16, 2004, at 23:02:10
In reply to Re: look back on the yrs on babble(trigger), posted by kellyr. on June 16, 2004, at 21:47:54
Kelly, Did you tell the therapist it is urgent to speak with him?
Please go to the emergency room, or at least call the suicide hotline to talk to someone. Kelly, please, please hang on. I don't care if your husband doesn't want you to go to the hospital. If you are sitting there with a gun in your hand thinking of killing yourself, it is time to get emergency help ASAP!!!
Posted by kellyr. on June 17, 2004, at 7:20:26
In reply to Re: look back on the yrs on babble(trigger) » kellyr., posted by Noa on June 16, 2004, at 23:02:10
my husband only cares about who well take care of the kids, last night i took all my klonpin and drink alote of beer but it didn;t work, now my husband is mad at me for doing it , but as you can see am till here not feel good but here. i can't do anything wright
Posted by Jonathan on June 18, 2004, at 18:52:15
In reply to Re: look back on the yrs on babble(trigger) » Noa, posted by kellyr. on June 17, 2004, at 7:20:26
> Kelly (hug) you have to take care of yourself first. Do whatever you need to do to get yourself better. I know it's hard to do right now - having been in the same place - but you have to try. Think of it like kicking an alcolol problem. One day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time. One breath. You owe it to yourself.
Please reply on this thread:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040611/msgs/357599.html
Posted by Shar on June 19, 2004, at 11:18:50
In reply to Re: look back on the yrs on babble(trigger) » Noa, posted by kellyr. on June 17, 2004, at 7:20:26
Kelly,
After I found out that Gracie was dead, it took me aback because I thought (for the first time) that MY death might make some people feel that bad. I know for sure that YOUR death would make many people feel very bad and terribly sad, and you would have many people grieving over your loss...not the least of whom will be your children.If you've lost someone close and grieved, people who love you will feel that way, too. I don't know if that knowledge would ever prevent me from suicide, but it's worth considering as part of the equation.
I'd like to hear your thoughts on that, if you're up for sharing.
Shar
> my husband only cares about who well take care of the kids, last night i took all my klonpin and drink alote of beer but it didn;t work, now my husband is mad at me for doing it , but as you can see am till here not feel good but here. i can't do anything wright
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Posted by Noa on June 21, 2004, at 20:21:31
In reply to Re: look back on the yrs on babble(trigger) » Noa, posted by kellyr. on June 17, 2004, at 7:20:26
Kelly, I'm so sad that you are in such pain. Please go to the hospital.
Posted by kellyr on June 22, 2004, at 13:53:37
In reply to Re: look back on the yrs on babble(trigger) » kellyr., posted by Noa on June 21, 2004, at 20:21:31
> Kelly, I'm so sad that you are in such pain. Please go to the hospital.
I can't go to the hospital my husband wouldn't let me go cause, who well take care of my kids why his at work, he just started this job so he can take off and we have no insurence to pay of a hospital stay, i still owe from last time.
This is the end of the thread.
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