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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on May 26, 2004, at 11:19:26
I'm feeling pretty low today, and was thinking about things like internal critics, internal unreasonable ten year old children, and internal sabateurs. And I've been thinking about how they all work together to make trouble for me, and recreate the external world I've known. I don't know if this is more appropriate to a private journal (which is really hard for me -- somehow it has to feel as if I'm communicating to someone, rather than just trying to express it in a vacuum. I'm sorry it you feel imposed on by me writing it here instead of a journal. You guys are like my JournalPlus+) or if this might be helpful to anyone else, but I'm typing, so...
Anyway, I've got so many conflicts about the problems I've had with this agency. Some of it I can step back and look at clearly enough to see that someone else really did do something that was anti-helpful to me. But then, my Internal Critic (IC) starts up with how I should have solved the problem myself, that it doesn't matter what anyone else does, that no matter how bad what they did was I should have been able to handle it and solve it, etc. The Internal Ten Year Old (IT) starts screaming, "It's not fair! It's not my fault!" While the two of them are fighting it out, the Internal Sabateur (IS) gets free rein to do anything at all, usually with negative consequences. And somewhere in all this, I'm watching and knowing that it's a trainwreck about to happen, and feeling powerless to stop it. Today's notion about all this had to do with my mother.
Ah, yes -- Racer's Mother. If you've read what I've had to say over the years, you'll probably know that I love my mother. She gives me the sorts of presents that you never knew you wanted until after you have them, often little things you'd never think of, no significant monetary value ($10, $20), but they're somehow so *right* so *me* that I get that warm, loved feeling from knowing that someone cares enough about you to recognize you inside your skin. You know what I mean? But she never protected me. When I was a kid, and trying to deal with what her boyfriend was doing to me, I went to her for help, for protection. She told me that she couldn't protect me, that she couldn't even protect herself. She told me that I was stronger than she was, that she needed me to protect her. (This is the adult interpretation -- not her exact words. Nonetheless, that is a pretty accurate interpretation, and she'll tell you the same thing. She's eating herself alive with guilt over it, but I don't think she knew any other way to respond.) The only thing she offered was this advice: "He's only doing these things to get a reaction out of you. If you stop letting him see the reaction, he'll lose interest and find something else to do." (Guess what? Took a few years to get really good at hiding my reactions. When I did, he moved from emotional abuse to sexual abuse.) Other times, the same thing happened. I remember lying in bed one morning, with my aunt yelling at me and my mother in the doorway. Mother was silent, and scared, until after my aunt hit me and I think shocked everyone enough to create a little space for action. Then my mother said, "that's enough, sister." Just that, nothing more. My mother, in her own way, to the best of her abilities, tried to protect me -- but it was always too late, after the fact, and generally ineffective. And you know what? In my little internal band of rogues, my self-protection invariably comes a little too late, after the damage is done; it's generally ineffective, largely because by the time it comes the damage is overwhelming; and it's one of those tentative, "if you don't mind, I'd like to remove your knife from my flesh, but if it's too much trouble on your part..." varieties.
I guess I've internalized my mother pretty well, since the only protection I give myself reflects her protection of me as a child. (Hey, at least I was successful at something, right?)
Now for my disclaimer. I have been self-medicating with the left over stimulants that Dr EyeCandy prescribed as an augmenting agent for the anti-depressant. Without the anti-depressants, they're less intolerably overstimulating, and they are helping with my mood. They're also relieving a great deal of the agitation and anxiety somehow -- I think that's partly physical, since the physical symptom I took them to relieve is so much eased now. Right now, I may be a little ambivalent about the realistic hope for my future quality of life and whether it really justifies my desire to stick around through it, but I'm not actively suicidal. I'm seesawing between "I'm good at a number of things, very good at a few, and there are things I enjoy -- it's just that I haven't had an environment that could support me enough for me to do those things consistently," and "But it doesn't matter what I do, if no one will let me do it." Not a great place, but certainly nowhere near the worst place I've been -- not even the worst place I've been in the last few weeks. In a lot of ways, I suppose this is still a real improvement over most of the last year, since what I'm expressing feels internally consistent and honest, which really relieves the anxiety. (Uh-oh -- I think I just said something that sounds remarkably like "I feel centered" -- quick, someone bring a washcloth for my forehead while I lie down in a dark room.) It may be a low place, but it feels like a "real" place, if you know what I mean. And I'm not blaming my mother, because I've already gotten past that part. She did what she did based on her own basket of burdens, and her own IC is overactive about it now, which I wish were not the case. It's not my mother's "fault" -- it's just what happened, and it hurt us both.
You know, I'm going to submit this, after going to the trouble of typing it, but I'm not really sure why I'm posting it. I don't think there's any advice anyone can give, beyond "talk to a therapist about this" which goes without saying. Maybe I hope someone else can chime in and tell about something similar in their own life; maybe I'm hoping someone else will use it as a springboard to something else to muse over (this came from something a certain Babbler who knows who she is as she's reading this); maybe I just wanted to reach out for contact with someone in a safe place. I don't know. But I'm hitting the button.
Thank you for being a safe place for me.
Posted by shar on May 26, 2004, at 21:45:58
In reply to Ruminating, posted by Racer on May 26, 2004, at 11:19:26
If it is any help, Sweetie, there is no such thing as a bad.....
>Internal Ten Year Old (IT) starts screaming, "It's not fair! It's not my fault!" >
That's how it SHOULD be! And for all the other things that happened, too!
Your mom was probably doing her best, but that does not make the pain and anguish you experienced at her hands or other hands disappear! Wouldn't we all love it if our kids didn't bear the 'sins of their fathers'? I sure feel that way about my son. I've told him that if ONE parent had a good, loving home that can make a difference (he's thinking about getting married and maybe having children)...and I hope what I told him is true, because he did not. I was not raised in a loving home. I did my best to raise him as lovingly as possible, but I know I was deficient (as, I think, your mom was) because I had a horrible role model. My BEST hope for him is that is wife-2-B had good parents.
I feel sad about that, but I know that he has to deal with my deficiencies, just as you have to deal with your mom's deficiencies (and I don't mean any disrespect, just that it's a fact), and I'm sorry you do and that he does, too.
More than anything, dammit, I wish none of us had to deal with ANY of this BS!
> Thank you for being a safe place for me.
oooh, that is such a nice thing to say. Thank YOU for being here. Just as you are.
xoxo
Shar
Posted by Racer on May 26, 2004, at 23:13:30
In reply to Re: Ruminating » Racer, posted by shar on May 26, 2004, at 21:45:58
LOL -- not "just as I are," I've had enough of that, thank you very much! (Hey, I must not be that bad off, since I'm laughing at myself, right?)
Thanks, Shar. I don't know if it helps any for you, but I love my mother a great deal, and while I'll admit that I'm still trying to recover from certain events and patterns of events in my childhood -- and from my internalization of certain less attractive traits about my mother -- I do not blame her for it, anymore. We went though a time when that was different, but I'm long past it now. What I feel now is sadness, because of what she must have been going through to allow it to happen, and gratitude that we have the chance to enjoy one another now, even if we couldn't then. (heheh, 'course, My Mother is the Best Mother, so nyah nyah.)
Anyway, in some ways my mother really was extraordinary in good ways, too, which probably helps a lot. I hope that helps with any worries about your son. At least it sounds as if he's aware of the problem, so he won't recreate his own childhood out of ignorance or denial. That's certainly a step in the right direction.
My family is on my mind right now. Someone is in critical condition right now, collapsed earlier today, and I know that my mother has a lot of conflicts about the relationship that I think she wants to resolve, but it's hard to tell with her. She's out of town right now -- and never leaves contact information when she goes -- but I tracked her down and told her, so that she could decide if she wanted to come home early and make that effort. She won't tell me what's going on inside her until she's got herself back on keel, but the pain in her voice was just heartwrenching. I wish that I could offer her more comfort, because I know that keeping it all in like that makes it so much harder. (How on earth do I know these things?)
Thanks, Shar. You're good to me.
Posted by shar on May 27, 2004, at 0:08:53
In reply to NO!!!, posted by Racer on May 26, 2004, at 23:13:30
R---
Please don't believe I was trying to diss your mom! As a mom, I believe (by and large) we do the best we can.And I'd say, you're a good kid!
I guess I don't 'get' what you're saying. But, that's ok. For moms, that's somewhat typical...
I just want YOU to be well and as happy as possible!
xoxo
Shar
Posted by Noa on May 27, 2004, at 8:25:30
In reply to Ruminating, posted by Racer on May 26, 2004, at 11:19:26
Racer,
I'm sad about what you had to go through growing up. It makes sense that a child growing up in a situation like that would naturally feel enraged about what was being done and the lack of adult protection.
I'm glad you and your mom are at a good place now, but it's still ok to feel anger at her lack of ability to protect you back then.
And sadness, too. I think it can feel like a loss to grieve the parenting we feel we should have gotten.
Posted by Racer on May 27, 2004, at 9:17:58
In reply to Re: Ruminating » Racer, posted by Noa on May 27, 2004, at 8:25:30
You know, I really don't have anger at my mother the person I know now. Towards her, I only feel tenderness and a wish to comfort her. She causes herself so much pain worrying about what she can't change. I've told her that a few times, that the pain she's feeling is *my* pain, it's my responsibility now, and that the only legitimate reason for her to get into worrying about it is if she gets a WayBack Machine and can make it different. She can't, of course, and there's no point fretting herself over it all now. I've also told her that I love her and that what I really want is to enjoy the time we have left, because even if she makes it through another twenty years, it will still be much to soon to say goodbye to someone so precious to me.
Problem is, since I didn't get my own particular pathology from thin air, when I tell her not to blame herself, because I don't blame her -- I think she may blame herself still more because I'm *not* angry with her! Damn, we really know how to make it hard on ourselves, don't we?
Yesterday, I tracked her down in a distant city. I had no idea where she was staying, but I found her on my first try. I don't want to say where she was in public, because I'm always afraid of compromising her privacy, but it was the most reasonable place to try, and it was the right one. Mother said, when we were done, that it was clever of me to track her down and find her that way. I told her back, a little flippantly, since this was a very highly charged emotional call, that I loved her so much I could sniff her out anywhere. I also love her so much I can hear the deep pain in her voice even though she tries to hard to hide it. (See? She's hurting for me, I"m hurting for her. Maybe we need to stop living in each others' pockets quite so much? LOL)
So, after more than 2 decades of estrangement, my uncle almost died yesterday. As of the last report, he made it through surgery and was in critical condition. My mother has to choose now whether she wants to cross a bridge to restoring contact with her big brother, or if she will wait for him to make the first move, or if she will even allow any contact whatsoever with him. I hope, because I think it would be good for her, that she will choose to see what I see: he's never going to realize how much of the responsibility for all this is his, he's never going to think about apologizing because he doesn't know how, and having a context in the present for the big brother she remembers with love from her past would be good for her. I hope she'll decide to see him, when she gets back from her trip. I'll tell her what I've said here, too: it's for her, not him, and it's not about making friends and becoming some weird family where people get along. It's about Mother knowing that she made a decision for herself, rather than putting off making that decision until it was too late.
My aunt, on the other hand, says that she's selfish and shallow, so she's just not aware of other people, so she doesn't think about getting in touch with her brother. {{shrug}} Of course, she is selfish and shallow, but she also denies a lot of her emotional reality.
By the way, speaking of my aunt and self-medication: my aunt is driving up this morning and will be staying with me. This will be a test to see if the self-medicating is enough to keep me more or less even keep under duress. My mood is very low, but not suicidal. Just low energy, low mood, low motivation. How could I want to be gone when all of us here haven't finished our conversations?
xoxo
This is the end of the thread.
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