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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on May 14, 2004, at 12:42:17
And if it hadn't happened, I think I wouldn't be here next week.
My husband is starting a new job on Monday. Please, pray for us that nothing happens like last time, and that this works out and we actually get medical coverage.
Our marriage counselor referred me to a private psychiatrist today. I'd been resisting, because of the cost issues -- don't tell me I'm worth it, because I'm also worth having a roof and four walls around me and that's what I'd be risking by going private right now without insurance -- but this has to stop. She says that one of her clients goes to him, and he calls her after the client sees him to report to her and consult with her, etc. She's really impressed with him, for that reason among others. So, I finally agreed and will see him next Wednesday.
I'm scared to death, of course, considering what I've been going through lately. Especially since it's so expensive (almost $1000 for the initial evaluation), and I feel as if this is my last chance and I have to get it right this time around and I can't feel as if there's a whole lot of hope about that happening. It's not scared like going in to see Dr EyeCandy, although both fears seem pretty reasonable to me. It's more the overwhelming fear that I'll have committed our resources to this doctor, and then we won't be able to afford the costs of adequate treatment from him, or my husband will lose this job somehow, or the company will shut down or whatever and I'll be lost.
And I'm afraid that he just won't believe what I tell him. That's what's been happening with all the people at the agency that's currently providing services -- doesn't matter what I say, no one believes me. And I'm more withdrawn than ever, too, since the therapist started in with her "now what can we do to keep you from screwing up the relationship from the start with the new case manager I managed to fight for you to get?" Sure, nothing anyone else has done, the problems so far -- like the last one insulting me with his "when you talk about physical reactions to the meds, I don't know what you mean? Are you talking about the physical reactions you feel towards your husband?" That's close to actionable, don't you think? Nope, "there are always two sides to every encounter, so you're in the wrong, Mrs Racer."
I'm scared. But I'm going to see a real doctor next week.
Posted by finelinebob on May 14, 2004, at 15:20:54
In reply to Update, posted by Racer on May 14, 2004, at 12:42:17
Hmm, was going to post one of my typical rambling posts, but I'll leave it to this:
Go Racer GO!!=^)
flb
Posted by noa on May 14, 2004, at 19:14:09
In reply to Re: Update » Racer, posted by finelinebob on May 14, 2004, at 15:20:54
Racer--I hope that helps. Keep us posted.
$1000 does sound really steep to me, too, btw. Is it a really really really thorough initial eval? I hope so.
Posted by Racer on May 14, 2004, at 20:04:23
In reply to Re: Update, posted by noa on May 14, 2004, at 19:14:09
I know that they send out a packet of forms to be filled out, with history, etc, and that the visit is an hour and a half. You know that I'm ready to cancel the appointment already, to wait until insurance kicks in, or whatever -- it's fear and I know that. What do you do when your unreasonable fear can be attributed to something reasonable like this? I mean, I know I'm afraid that this doctor will agree with Dr EyeCandy and I'll feel more hopeless after the session and know that there's no help for me out there and all the rest of it. I *know* that. But there's still that, "but you've held on this long, it's only another six weeks before you have insurance, just wait..." You know? Oy.
At any rate, I'm still rolling around emotionally so much right now that I think I probably have no choice but to go. This is another of those, "is it the meds, the depression or a response to what is really and truly happening around me." I don't know how much of the out of control rage and hunger and despair are related to the drugs, how much is because I perceived the doctor to both punish me for non-compliance and to threaten me with non-response to this drug! Hello? Maybe I'm not out of my mind? Maybe it's really happening?
And you know something else? I really don't have to worry about quitting therapy. I will quit, because we're not dealing with any of my 'issues' -- except in that the therapist does her nanny routine about how I can avoid alienating the new case manager, how I can be compliant enough for the doctor, etc. Hello? Isn't trying to force myself into compliance with people who are asking inappropriate things from me part of my problem? Like, gee, um -- maybe that's not what I need? And maybe we could address something that helps me, and not just focus on how to make me a Good Patient for the agency?
This afternoon the anger and rage have worn off a little bit, but now I'm just feeling wiped out. I just started crying as I was typing. Ugh.
As a side note to Bob: I did finish the straps on that top, but have to take it back apart and make them shorter. I don't know how I managed to **** up so much. Since I'm really not in a place to try anything more complex than sitting on my @$$, I've put it away for the future. I just can't face it. If I get back to it in time, I'll take a picture and send it to you.
Posted by finelinebob on May 14, 2004, at 20:51:34
In reply to Better be » noa, posted by Racer on May 14, 2004, at 20:04:23
So the straps are long! Sounds like you've already got tons of work into it that went fantastic, and that mechanically this may really not be that big a thing. Not that I know what I am talking about here, but that's never stopped me before!
You'll pull it back out, you'll shorten the straps, it'll be fab.
This is one case where **I** am right and you are ... right, as long as you agree with me ;^)
flb
Posted by shar on May 14, 2004, at 23:50:42
In reply to Re: Update » Racer, posted by finelinebob on May 14, 2004, at 15:20:54
OMG! That is exactly, word-for-word what I was thinking about writing: Go, Racer, GO!!
Shewwwheeeeee! Synchronicity.
Also, Racer, make sure you present your ENTIRE experience to him, because, sometimes, people present with depression but when you look at their WHOLE experience (peaks and valleys and balanced periods since childhood and the different forms 'focus' can take, etc.), the dx can be very different.
I encourage you to have hope, and it will be well worth the expense if you get to feeling better!
xoxo
Shar> Hmm, was going to post one of my typical rambling posts, but I'll leave it to this:
>
>
> Go Racer GO!!
>
> =^)
> flb
Posted by allisonm on May 15, 2004, at 6:42:45
In reply to Update, posted by Racer on May 14, 2004, at 12:42:17
Good for you, Racer!
It looks as though things are looking up. I feel glad.
Posted by noa on May 15, 2004, at 8:34:41
In reply to Better be » noa, posted by Racer on May 14, 2004, at 20:04:23
My experience was that when I was in a bad place and needed meds to work, therapy was not that productive. I.e., maybe don't expect so much from therapy until you get the depression, anxiety and agitation under control? In the meantime, it can just be a place for support and check-in.
Posted by SLS on May 15, 2004, at 9:46:23
In reply to Re: Better be » Racer, posted by noa on May 15, 2004, at 8:34:41
> My experience was that when I was in a bad place and needed meds to work, therapy was not that productive. I.e., maybe don't expect so much from therapy until you get the depression, anxiety and agitation under control? In the meantime, it can just be a place for support and check-in.
I agree. When I asked one of my doctors to prescribe psychotherapy, he told me that I wouldn't get that much out of it. He said that I couldn't think my way out of a paper bag in such a severely depressed state.For right now, it is more important to focus on the here and now rather than on the past and future. Personal growth is very difficult when you are so depressed that you can't effectively process information and gain insights. What you might want to focus on are coping tools to use during this difficult time. This can be addressed by psychotherapy, but only if survival is made the objective and given priority over the quest for self-actualization. You need to concentrate on survival and try to mitigate the pain and frustration of depression as much as possible in order to make it more tolerable.
I'm not thinking very clearly right now. I am having trouble offering any specifics regarding coping skills for living with depression until the right treatment is found.
Be constructive. Concentrate on and identify those things that you can do rather than what you can't do. Become aware of your limitations so that you don't set yourself up for failure. Be merciful with yourself. You are being squashed by a biological phenomenon that, for now, is beyond your control. It can be a huge accomplishment just to get out of bed in the morning. Think about how strong you are to be able to survive and persevere. How many people do you know that would be able to cope with the burden you are forced to carry? Most of the people I know would be crying for their mama within an hour, begging to make it stop.
The measure of achievement lies not in how high the mountain, but in how hard the climb. The measure of success lies only in how high one feels he must climb to get there. Getting out of bed and surviving your depression is surely a success. You deserve a pat on the back!
Keep going! Don't give up! You are a survivor, otherwise you wouldn't be here. You have my permission to be depressed. Give yourself permission as well. You are not responsible for the way you feel right now.
Remember that you are not your depression. You are far more. Try to separate yourself from it.
Be merciful with yourself.
- Scott
Posted by Racer on May 15, 2004, at 10:53:03
In reply to Re: Better be, posted by SLS on May 15, 2004, at 9:46:23
I've read all this, but I can't repsond to anyone. I'm out of control with wanting to throw things and scream and cry and wish to god I could just shoot myself and be done with it all. Soryr not ot be able to do mroe htan say thanks
Posted by SLS on May 15, 2004, at 11:11:56
In reply to I can't respond right now, posted by Racer on May 15, 2004, at 10:53:03
> I'm out of control with wanting to throw things and scream and cry and wish to god I could just shoot myself and be done with it all.
Dear Racer,I've been there myself a few times.
You *should* be angry! You are justified to be angry!
You must be incredibly frustrated right now. I know.
Be angry. It is your right to be. You deserve it! Try not to be too destructive, though. Find a way to channel the anger if you can. Pound the floor and scream if you must. You won't break anything that way.
:-)
- Scott
Posted by Racer on May 15, 2004, at 12:46:39
In reply to Re: I can't respond right now » Racer, posted by SLS on May 15, 2004, at 11:11:56
I'm sorry. I'm agitated out of my mind right now. For one thing, our insurance is supposed to start up after the first month on the job, so it's not as if I'd be waiting all that long if I do reschedule this appointment. My husband says not to worry about that, but I really don't trust him on this one. Hell, when you come right down to it, I don't know that I trust him about most things related to real life. And that is a LOT of money we're talking about, for us right now.
I just spent the better part of an hour on the telephone, trying to find out whether to stop this drug or if this is a transient adjustment-phase side effect that is likely to pass. If there's a chance this will work, I don't want to give up on it. On the other hand, I also don't want to stop it now, only to go through this again if this is just an adjustment thing and we decide to try again. But I'm truly feeling out of control and agitated. And I don't trust my judgement on any of this anymore.
I called the Psychiatric Emergency Services department, where a doctor said that he thought it might pass, but he wouldn't say anything more than that -- besides, of course, "You'd better come in here..." Sure, and waste a whole blasted day only to hear, "Call the doctor who prescribed it in the first place" or be hospitalized again? Why? Then I called the agency that prescribed it, and asked a couple of pretty specific questions of the on-call nurse, who then called the doctor on call. Turns out that was Dr EyeCandy. He, typically, didn't answer the questions I asked, at least according to the nurse when she called back to relay the answer. It's not her fault, but it's so typical of the basic problem here: the answer given doesn't relate to the question asked. "Oh, if you don't feel well, stop taking it." Sure. Right. Thanks. That wasn't what I asked.
So, I'm now both agitated by the drug itself, and the fire has been fueled by that response. Now I don't know whether to keep on with a trial of this drug or not, because every damn day is something entirely new on it -- it might really help. I don't know if the relief I feel in the evenings is just a reaction to the grief I go through from morning to late afternoon, or if it's a sign that the drug might be starting to help. Of course, in the late evening, I also go out of control with eating, unable to stop myself, but at least I don't feel so totally explosive and angry and agitated. If it really is the drug easing the depression, though, I don't want to give up -- IF this agitation is likely to pass in a reasonable time and if it's not a sign that this drug, at a therapeutic dose, will be too problematic.
Damn it all.
Posted by SLS on May 15, 2004, at 13:59:39
In reply to Re: I can't respond right now, posted by Racer on May 15, 2004, at 12:46:39
Posted by finelinebob on May 15, 2004, at 14:01:33
In reply to Re: I can't respond right now, posted by Racer on May 15, 2004, at 12:46:39
Are there any boxing gyms near you? You sound like 10 rounds with the heavy bag and another ten with the speed bag might do some good!
you'll get thru this
flb
This is the end of the thread.
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