Posted by Racer on May 14, 2004, at 20:04:23
In reply to Re: Update, posted by noa on May 14, 2004, at 19:14:09
I know that they send out a packet of forms to be filled out, with history, etc, and that the visit is an hour and a half. You know that I'm ready to cancel the appointment already, to wait until insurance kicks in, or whatever -- it's fear and I know that. What do you do when your unreasonable fear can be attributed to something reasonable like this? I mean, I know I'm afraid that this doctor will agree with Dr EyeCandy and I'll feel more hopeless after the session and know that there's no help for me out there and all the rest of it. I *know* that. But there's still that, "but you've held on this long, it's only another six weeks before you have insurance, just wait..." You know? Oy.
At any rate, I'm still rolling around emotionally so much right now that I think I probably have no choice but to go. This is another of those, "is it the meds, the depression or a response to what is really and truly happening around me." I don't know how much of the out of control rage and hunger and despair are related to the drugs, how much is because I perceived the doctor to both punish me for non-compliance and to threaten me with non-response to this drug! Hello? Maybe I'm not out of my mind? Maybe it's really happening?
And you know something else? I really don't have to worry about quitting therapy. I will quit, because we're not dealing with any of my 'issues' -- except in that the therapist does her nanny routine about how I can avoid alienating the new case manager, how I can be compliant enough for the doctor, etc. Hello? Isn't trying to force myself into compliance with people who are asking inappropriate things from me part of my problem? Like, gee, um -- maybe that's not what I need? And maybe we could address something that helps me, and not just focus on how to make me a Good Patient for the agency?
This afternoon the anger and rage have worn off a little bit, but now I'm just feeling wiped out. I just started crying as I was typing. Ugh.
As a side note to Bob: I did finish the straps on that top, but have to take it back apart and make them shorter. I don't know how I managed to **** up so much. Since I'm really not in a place to try anything more complex than sitting on my @$$, I've put it away for the future. I just can't face it. If I get back to it in time, I'll take a picture and send it to you.
poster:Racer
thread:346816
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/2000/20040501/msgs/346943.html