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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 2 to 26 of 26. Go back in thread:
Posted by noa on March 6, 2004, at 21:32:58
In reply to Hey, Shar? noa? Greg? Everyone?, posted by Racer on March 6, 2004, at 17:44:05
Hi, Racer! I read some of your other posts on the other boards--enjoyed them as usual.
But I pretty much stayed away from the political thread cuz I know how quickly those get heated and I don't want that from this place.
Doing anything for yourself this weekend?
Posted by Racer on March 6, 2004, at 22:43:04
In reply to Re: Hey, Shar? noa? Greg? Everyone? » Racer, posted by noa on March 6, 2004, at 21:32:58
See, you *know* I just get sucked in, whether I want to or not -- I think I have so many opinions, I just have to give some away!
What am I doing for myself this weekend? Let's see, I'm doing as close to nothing as I can. Last night was the worst -- classic withdrawal, shaking almost like seizures, muscles all clenched and aching, no sleep, vomiting, really pretty. I decided to stop taking any of the meds I was on, because I can't stand the way I feel on them unless I can sleep at night, which I certainly can't do without sleeping pills right now. The other meds themselves are making me shake a bit, even without the Xanax thing. So, I talked to my husband, and told him that I was going to stop these drugs, here were the reasons why, and here were the things I'm using to hang on to until the meds situation gets cleared up. (He just signed an at-will employment contract, so we may have insurance soon. Or at least we may be able to look forward to getting insurance. Cross your fingers it has good Mental Health provisions and that they don't decide not to cover this pre-existing condition.) One of the other things I'm looking forward to is that I get to go through absolute hell on Monday -- facing the therapist I went hysterical to on the telephone yesterday, then spending the remainder of the day with my Mother -- so I'm pretty much gonna spend this weekend hiding at the back of my cage. I am rearranging the furniture, though, which somehow always helps me. It's like an external indication that the internal landscape is going to change.
So what are you up to for the weekend? Any special plans? How are you doing, yourself?
(I'm kicking myself so hard for getting so hysterical yesterday, of course. I get like a dog with a bone, and totally irrational. Instead of trying to get anyone to listen to me about the meds being defective, I should have said, "You know, the problem is I haven't been able to sleep for two nights now, and I'm going through withdrawal symptoms now. What are we going to do about it?" Instead, I raised my voice -- something, believe it or not, I very rarely do -- and kept saying, "But this is about your agency's failure, this is about a lack of response from the med clinic, this is about a lack of respect for my needs, this is about no one there listening to me, this is not about putting me back in the hospital, it's about the bad meds" etc. I'm right, from my perspective, but that wasn't necessarily the right way to get my point across... See, there are all these things about this pdoc. I'm sure he's there in order to serve the profoundly mentally ill, who would otherwise not receive care. I think that I, because I have 40 years of experience in hiding my feelings, challenge his view of what his patients should be. And it doesn't help that I recognize from his social cues that he's a lot like the men I used to bait in college, and I think he recognizes me as the kind of woman who used to bait men like him. Not in a truly unkind way, you understand, but in the way of a pretty woman who happened to be smart, as well, and was treated as a sort of mascot for the Real Thinkers. Sorry, Charlie, not this chick. I'm smarter than you are, have probably read more, and really won't stroke that ego until it stops arching its back and hissing at me to look bigger. You treat me like a person, I'll treat you like one. As long as you treat me like a stereotype, I'll treat you the same, and just as you're choosing the stereotype you treat me as... Poor guys probably had to be sedated after an hour or two with me, but then they were mostly all in the Philosophy department, so they were very easily frightened...)
(Ah, those were the days, to be young and careless again...)
Posted by judy1 on March 6, 2004, at 23:02:57
In reply to LOL! You're smarter than I am... » noa, posted by Racer on March 6, 2004, at 22:43:04
with your description of how you were interacting with that guy. lord knows i've been guilty of similar behavior, some men just trigger this irrational behavior in me and i seem helpless to stop.
had an interseting chat with my pdoc yesterday. i had called him wednesday? and asked him to call in a med for me. he was convinced i was testing him to see if he would 'be there for me'. i said no, i was actually out of the med and needed a refill. they (pdocs) all seem to look for deeper meanings in my most inane actions. so anyway on friday i landed up in the corner of my closet so my kids couldn't hear me and felt completely dissociative and talked about some deep past stuff. he was very quiet and hardly said anything. this is probably stupid- trying to get something meaningful done in 2 weeks. now i'm questioning my motives- i started thinking i'm being manipulative and trying to reel him back. that's old behavior for me so i decided not to call anymore until the last day and just ask for refills.
sorry for the long-winded post. hope you all have a really nice week-end- judy
Posted by Racer on March 6, 2004, at 23:48:30
In reply to you cracked me up » Racer, posted by judy1 on March 6, 2004, at 23:02:57
ROTFLMBO! Compared to me, that's a sticky note and you know it!
Yeah, well, I didn't consider the behavior to be all that irrational at the time. I just got p--off at those men trying to decide that I was "safe" because I was just a LitMajorBimbo, and not a fully formed human being as they were. (Remember, these were grad students in the Philosophy department. That's really important to a complete understanding of the situation...)
Anyway, I have this feeling that I'm not going to be seeing the same pdoc much longer, because I'm about ready to tell him to his face that he's not the SuperDoc he thinks he is.
As for your pdoc, maybe it is meaningful to know that you have someone to call for the next two weeks? Maybe this is a way for you to learn to accept that some one is there for you, even if the time period is limited? Maybe that's enough to learn from this one pdoc, for now. Or not, but it's a thought.
My heart goes out to you, and the picture of you in the closet reminded me of me as a kid: I'd drag the little nursery armchair into the closet, with a radio and a lamp, and sit there reading for hours. Once I accidently got locked in, alone in the house! The heater was right on the other side of the wall, so the closet was the only really warm place in the house because of the pilot light. Snug, warm, cozy. (And I managed to get out the time the lock turned. Then my mother took that lock off the door, so it wouldn't happen again.)
Good luck. Best good luck to you.
Posted by shar on March 7, 2004, at 0:10:52
In reply to you cracked me up » Racer, posted by judy1 on March 6, 2004, at 23:02:57
Judy,
I am so with you, and so very sorry you had to take measures to protect your kiddos and yourself, and so glad you did it so 'you' could be 'you'...if that makes any sense.Closets (as we can glean from Racer's post) are not necessarily bad places to be. In fact, a closet with a chair and a lamp doesn't sound bad a'tall. Unless, I guess, you don't want to be there.
I have no doubt that your little ones are lucky to have you for a mother, and I'm so sorry that you are having a rather chaotic time of things for now. Please have no doubt that I see you as so caring and such a good person and mother....man...who knows what I could have been if I'd had what your children do!
Please, hang in there and fight for your own well-being!
xoxo
Your friend,
Sharthis is probably stupid- trying to get something meaningful done in 2 weeks. now i'm questioning my motives- i started thinking i'm being manipulative and trying to reel him back. that's old behavior for me so i decided not to call anymore until the last day and just ask for refills.
> sorry for the long-winded post. hope you all have a really nice week-end- judy
Posted by noa on March 7, 2004, at 12:56:33
In reply to you cracked me up » Racer, posted by judy1 on March 6, 2004, at 23:02:57
>they (pdocs) all seem to look for deeper meanings in my most inane actions.
That's what I like about having a therapist separate from pdoc. Pdoc is a total pharmacology nerd with not a single psychodynamic bone in his body!!
The bonus is that my therapist is not one of those over-interpreters like you described. He never says things like that to me.
Can I call your doc and tell him to just cut it out and stop making it so that a simple scrip refill call has to be such a self-doubt-inducing experience for his poor patient?
Posted by noa on March 7, 2004, at 12:58:14
In reply to Closets, not coming out of » judy1, posted by shar on March 7, 2004, at 0:10:52
I used to take refuge curled up in the closet when I was feeling at my worst.
Posted by noa on March 7, 2004, at 13:03:07
In reply to LOL! You're smarter than I am... » noa, posted by Racer on March 6, 2004, at 22:43:04
You don't seem to do anything half-heartedly, do you?
Yikes, that seems a big risk going cold turkey off all your meds. I hope you hang in there and get new and better treatment soon.
Don't worry about having flown off the handle. That was yesterday. Every day is a new day, and it's ok that you were angry. I understand the kind of rage that not being listened to or taken seriously can engender.
OK, why on earth are you planning, of your own free will, to spend an ENTIRE day with your mother?????? Especially now when your emotional, neurological, biological resources are so drained?
Posted by Racer on March 7, 2004, at 13:53:26
In reply to Re: Racer » Racer, posted by noa on March 7, 2004, at 13:03:07
I'm laughing at it, because you're right! I don't do things by 1/2s, I do things by 3/4s...
As for the cold turkey off the meds, it's not as precipitous as it may sound. With the Xanax working as it should, I could sleep at night, and that was the only reason I could continue taking the other meds. Without the Xanax, not only did I have to face the withdrawal symptoms from the Xanax, I had so much physical pain from the other meds, that it just made sense to do it all at once. Besides that, I spent Friday night curled up on the floor of our living room, shaking uncontrollably and vomiting into a bucket. I couldn't keep anything down anyway, so not putting my GI tract through the effort of trying to deal with chemicals seemed like a wise move.
So far, some headaches from the withdrawals, and last night was the first night I'd been able to sleep more than two hours (four last night, so not great, but still better...). The muscle aches and joint pain are beginning to go away, and the stomach pain that the pdoc must be totally unrelated to my meds seems less intolerable, too. While it's frightening, because I know how rapidly I can fall back into the pit of dispair, I am thinking it was the right thing to do. The pdoc will not see me before my next regularly scheduled appointment, and by then I'll be detoxed enough to start a new set of drugs.
As for Mom, well, what can I say? She's trying. She's very, very trying? Naw, we do the Mother-Daughter Dance so well together, but we're starting to learn the steps to another melody now. I know that she really is trying, and I'm trying, and it's not as horrible as it may have sounded. My Mommy if fun, in some moods, and I may graciously allow her to buy me a new pair of jeans -- which I do need right now, mine are falling off me -- instead of what she offered: a very expensive kit for making a sweater. The kit is way too expensive, and I don't like it nearly as much as she does, so it's not real high on my list of priorities. I told her it was a sweet thought, and that I loved her and didn't need her to buy me anything so expensive, but that, if she really felt the need to spend some money on me, I did need a new pair of jeans. And maybe a new bra or two. And a bag of M&Ms! So, I have to take her shopping tomorrow, and we'll go get cat litter, cat food, her food and probably a few of those things, too. It'll be fine, and if I'm very, very good, we might even go to the yarn store I like over in Marin County, too. Yummy! Don't even really need to buy anything there, just love to look at all the pretty colors!
Thanks, noa, for making me laugh. And thanks for being here. You've got that talent for cutting through everything to the main points, and it's wonderful.
Posted by noa on March 7, 2004, at 20:15:07
In reply to Now this one cracked me up » noa, posted by Racer on March 7, 2004, at 13:53:26
Good luck tomorrow, Racer. Enjoy the shopping and the M&Ms and the yarn. I know what you mean about looking at all the pretty colors! But you gotta touch 'em all, too--know what I mean?
I'm glad your mom is trying. That is really nice to hear. Have fun.
Posted by Greg on March 9, 2004, at 0:11:45
In reply to Hey, Shar? noa? Greg? Everyone?, posted by Racer on March 6, 2004, at 17:44:05
Hi Racer,
I'm doing OK I guess. Still going to work at 2:30 in the morning, but I'll do anything to avoid that Sunol grade rush hour traffic. Rapidly approaching 50, and trying to keep a low profile about it. Mary is doing well although she works too hard at work and at home. But she seems to thrive in it. I try to help out at home as much as I can, but she insists in doing most of it herself. I think it's one of those "if you want it done right" things. Jeni, my oldest daughter, is working for PG&E as an estimator, and tells me that she will own the place someday. I think she's serious. NaShay, my youngest daughter, is in her junior year in HS, and wants to run her own daycare when she graduates. As long as it's not in my house, I think it's a noble idea. Brandon starts HS in September, and has already signed up for the freshman football team. Ouch. He plays flag football with his buddies now, and he's really good. But I know he just doesn't have any concept of what it feels like to get hit REALLY hard. We'll see. Alyssa, my granddaughter, is about a year and a half now. She's talking a lot, and she's so beautiful! She loves Papa (that's me :)) very much. She likes to take my hand and lead me around the house to show me all her toys. Talking to me the whole time, of which I understand hardly any. But that's OK, I try.
The job situation here is pretty comical. Mary just got a long overdue promotion. She's now a Customer Relations Manager. Corner office, window, raise, she deserves it all. NaShay has been working PT in an elementary school daycare, and will be getting her license to operate her own facility next year. Brandon has already gotten himself his first job. When he turns 14 next month, he'll start working PT at a local golf course/country club as a busboy. Now me...
I have been working as a contractor at GE Nuclear in San Jose for the last 2 1/2 years. I've been trying to get them to hire me on FT, but no way. I've put in at least 50 resumes in this time, and had 1 interview. The place where I contract gives me no holiday pay, no vacation accrual, no medical, dental, or vision benefits, no 401k, no profit sharing, and no stock options. I get a paycheck, period. I don't know how the rest of my family does it, but I have to take lessons from them. I have to keep reminding myself that I could be out of work.
I guess other than this it's same meds, different day. I am hoping that I get to remember what I did wrong in this life when I get to the next one so that I can make some minor changes.....
How are you Racer? You are sounding decidedly better. Have things improved a little for you? You know, we never did have that lunch, and it's not too late. Most of the businesses may have moved, but we still have the best restaurants! Drop me a line when you can and catch me up, OK?
Take care,
Greg
Posted by Racer on March 9, 2004, at 3:21:07
In reply to Re: Hey, Shar? noa? Greg? Everyone?, posted by Greg on March 9, 2004, at 0:11:45
I can't find your email addy, so why don't you drop me a line at babbler39 at excite dot com? I'd love to take you up on that lunch -- although I can't promise I'll be there for a 6:30AM lunch...
I used to work just off the Sunol grade, so I know exactly what you mean about rush hour. Let me think, one phrase to describe it so that the less enlightened amongst us can truly appreciate the pleasures? OK, one phrase: Clutch Killer! That's right, try doing that monster in a stick shift! Just brutal.
I was doing better, but it's pretty bad again right now. The therapist I'd been seeing and starting to trust got promoted out of practice, and the new one is trying desperately to "diagnose" me, and keeps telling me that I have a diagnosis on Axis I, and let's talk about Axis II. I keep trying to say, "how about we try talking about why I am beginning to distrust you pretty strongly?" Oh, and I'm completely without any confidence whatsoever for the meds that I just stopped taking entirely. (Not a long story, just not worth telling right now.) Withdrawal ain't such a laugh, but at least it may get across my point that I really can't tolerate these drugs and maybe we need to try something else?
Oh, and did I mention that I haven't slept more than a couple of hours in the past week? I finally got to sleep tonight, and had a really weird dream that woke me up -- woke up about the point where it became clear that it was a variation on Aesop's theme of being eaten alive from inside. Not a lot of fun.
So, lunch with a handsome devil like you? If you're willing to be seen with a frazzled female like me, you betcha!
Posted by noa on March 9, 2004, at 18:51:39
In reply to Re: Hey, Shar? noa? Greg? Everyone?, posted by Greg on March 9, 2004, at 0:11:45
Hey, Greg. Thanks for dropping in. Hang in there about the job thing. You have such a strong family and you guys work together, each contributing in their own way. Hang in there, a job will come around the corner soon, I just know it, don't know why, but I do. Congrats to Mary on her promotion. You know the saying.......behind every good woman....See it as a team effort. I hope she enjoys the corner office. Hey, you know what? I have a corner office, too, but it's the wrong corner! ---you know--the one tucked in between corridors and storage rooms, not a window for miles around?
Anyway, good to see you. Hey, I think Shar needs some support. I am really worried about her!
Posted by allisonm on March 10, 2004, at 11:52:00
In reply to Re: Hey, Shar? noa? Greg? Everyone?, posted by Greg on March 9, 2004, at 0:11:45
I'm glad to see your name here again and to know that you still are hanging in. I miss seeing you here.
Alli
P.S.: Your granddaughter sounds like a doll!
Posted by Greg on March 12, 2004, at 19:27:02
In reply to So glad you checked in! » Greg, posted by Racer on March 9, 2004, at 3:21:07
Racer dear, I probably don't have the same email anyway. Something happens (by the book ALMOST of the same name) that makes me have to change it, or ISPs about every six months. I'll write you in the morning and we'll set up that lunch. But I'm serious about this Lady! But no, not at 6:30, noonish would be fine.
Sorry to hear about your therapist. Kind of makes you wonder if she (I did read she somewhere, right?) has her own underlying issues that need to be addressed..."Ahem, I am the patient, let's focus on me!" It was important to me after awhile to have a dx, only because having a faceless disorder kind of made me feel like I didn't belong anywhere. Where am I going with this you ask? Nowhere. Just have abandonment issues from when I was a child. You sound like you have one of those docs that don't want to change your meds because this means they have to admit they were wrong, and we can't have that, now can we? Maybe it would help if you assured her that it might take a long time, and many trials before finding what works for you?
Oh Jeez, sleep, the great equilizer. When I read this my stomach turned. Out of all the nasty little "things" that happen to me as a result from this incredible amount of meds I'm taking (wait til I see you, the list is quite impressive), loss of sleep ticks me off the most. Glad to hear that you got to sleep, but your dream is most interesting. There is an interpretation worthy of Freud in there somewhere, dontcha think?OK, so let's seriously get this lunch together. I'll write you tomorrow. We can set a time to call and talk about times and restaurants, and foods and why we haven't done it sooner, and stuff.
> So, lunch with a handsome devil like you? If you're willing to be seen with a frazzled female like me, you betcha!LOL!!!!! Are you sure you don't have someone else in mind??? The last time someone called me a handsome devil was....never.
Greg
Posted by Greg on March 12, 2004, at 19:42:50
In reply to Re: Hey, Shar? noa? Greg? Everyone? » Greg, posted by noa on March 9, 2004, at 18:51:39
Hi Noa, good to hear from you. Ahhh, it's a job, and a lot better than being out of work, or so I keep telling myself. My family is real strong Noa, I have so much faith that all my kids are going to do so much better than I have. And I guess that's what all parents want for their children. I'm trying my best to find something, but it's been real hard, and my faith in myself has taken a pretty bad beating. I still hope against hope that something will come thru, but I guess I don't count on it. Thanks for the good thoughts, I'll take all of them that I can get. I will pass on your congrats to Mary. She is so deserving and we are all very proud of her here.
I talked to Shar on the phone a few days ago. We've both kind of been in the same hole over some of the same things for awhile now. I feel bad that she's dealing with all this, she is such a truly amazing lady. Even thru this she manages to hang on. Her strength even when times are tough is amazing. She's been my inspiration for a long time, and don't think I've told her that near often enough. I'm grateful that she's here.
Thanks for thinking about me Noa! I hope that you're doing well, and winning at least a few of life's battles. Please take the best care of you that you can, OK?
Greg
Posted by Greg on March 12, 2004, at 20:19:23
In reply to Hi Greg, posted by allisonm on March 10, 2004, at 11:52:00
Hi Alli! Yeah, I'm still around once in awhile. Life's been kind of weird the last year or so and I'm trying to adapt to some pretty intense changes. Isn't it written in stone somewhere that when you get to be my age that everything is supposed to settle down and go your way? Or was that an episode of 7th Heaven...
I was thinking about you just last week, wondering how school was going and all. I'm hoping that you're doing well and handling all the bumps in the road with no hassle.
Oh yeah, Alyssa is an absolute doll! It's amazing how someone comes into your life and becomes so important. She can make me smile when nobody else can. She calls me Papa, that's so cool!
Love to you,
Greg> I'm glad to see your name here again and to know that you still are hanging in. I miss seeing you here.
>
> Alli
>
> P.S.: Your granddaughter sounds like a doll!
Posted by allisonm on March 16, 2004, at 17:28:45
In reply to Re: Hi Greg » allisonm, posted by Greg on March 12, 2004, at 20:19:23
Thanks for writing.
Update:
Last friday I had to defend my thesis in front of my degree committee. It took 2.5 hours, but I passed. Yesterday I had to file all of the signed paperwork with the graduate school and the college. So far, it looks like I'm graduating in May and my name will be in the commencement program and everything. Finally! Whoop-de-doo! Ya-hoo!!!My cumulative GPA is 3.5, which I am pretty proud of considering it's Cornell and all...
I just got feedback on the thesis from my committee chair. I need to make some corrections, then print out the thesis in quadruplicate and get it bound. Once I turn in that puppy, I am finito, done, finished... and just have to wait until May 30 for the big ceremony. I ordered my cap and gown and hood a month or more ago to give me motivation to finish. It helped.... On the very last legs of this. Will be so glad to be done.
Love to you. Hang in there!
Alli
Posted by Dr. Bob on March 16, 2004, at 23:23:16
In reply to Re: Hi Greg, posted by allisonm on March 16, 2004, at 17:28:45
Posted by allisonm on March 17, 2004, at 14:23:22
In reply to Re: good work! (nm) » allisonm, posted by Dr. Bob on March 16, 2004, at 23:23:16
Posted by noa on March 17, 2004, at 19:55:43
In reply to Re: Hi Greg, posted by allisonm on March 16, 2004, at 17:28:45
WOW--that is so wonderful!!!!!!!! Congratulations!!!!!
Posted by shar on March 17, 2004, at 20:20:36
In reply to Re: Hi Greg, posted by allisonm on March 16, 2004, at 17:28:45
I'm very happy for you! Isn't it such a relief to walk out and know your defense was successful?!
The only grad ceremony I ever went to (including not going to high school graduation) was for my doctorate, and it was worth it!! It is still one of my proudest moments, standing on the stage, getting my hood, and wanting to thank everyone who worked so hard--ME, ME, and ME! I bought the video, the pics, the hood, the works. Man, what a moment!
I hope yours is even better, you smarty pants.
Oh, and the voice of experience sez...if you have two carloads of people coming (1) tell them to make a lot of noise for you when you go up on stage, and (2) make sure one of them stays to drive YOU home.
xoxo
Shar
Posted by allisonm on March 17, 2004, at 23:02:40
In reply to Good for you! » allisonm, posted by shar on March 17, 2004, at 20:20:36
Sorry. I didn't mean to mislead. I'm not that much of a smarty pants.
It's just a master's degree. Actually, it's not even an M.A. or an M.S. It's an MPS (master of professional studies) in floriculture and ornamental horticulture. Although I guess in its realm it is considered a "terminal" degree, meaning I can't go any farther. I don't know that I could live through a PhD.
I appreciate your support and enthusiasm.
Dr. Shar, what's your PhD in?
Posted by shar on March 19, 2004, at 0:04:18
In reply to Oops, posted by allisonm on March 17, 2004, at 23:02:40
Well, everything I said still applies. I hope you do it all, including pics and videos and whatever ceremonies you can attend [my department had a ceremony separate from the general one].
My degree was in educational psychology. My m.a. also. My BS was Criminal Justice (probation officer track). While I always wanted to help people, I am entranced by research. Go figure.
Anyhow, do not forget to have a ride arranged! I did not (each car thought I was going with the other) and ended up calling from a video store for somebody to come pick me up!! It's a pretty funny story.
Plus, wear something sexy under your cap and gown...it's a good feeling.
Again, heartiest congrats on your perseverence and successful completion of jumping thru all the hoops! I've decided at some point perseverence is more important than IQ.
Please have a great and fun time!
Shar
Posted by noa on March 19, 2004, at 19:40:27
In reply to Oops, posted by allisonm on March 17, 2004, at 23:02:40
Aw, nevermind....I still wanna call you Dr. Allison, ok?
Whatever the letters are that are now appended to your nomenclature, you just finished a big accomplishment and we're proud of you.
Now, can you come over and tell me what I should do to improve my garden?
:-)
This is the end of the thread.
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