Posted by Racer on March 6, 2004, at 22:43:04
In reply to Re: Hey, Shar? noa? Greg? Everyone? » Racer, posted by noa on March 6, 2004, at 21:32:58
See, you *know* I just get sucked in, whether I want to or not -- I think I have so many opinions, I just have to give some away!
What am I doing for myself this weekend? Let's see, I'm doing as close to nothing as I can. Last night was the worst -- classic withdrawal, shaking almost like seizures, muscles all clenched and aching, no sleep, vomiting, really pretty. I decided to stop taking any of the meds I was on, because I can't stand the way I feel on them unless I can sleep at night, which I certainly can't do without sleeping pills right now. The other meds themselves are making me shake a bit, even without the Xanax thing. So, I talked to my husband, and told him that I was going to stop these drugs, here were the reasons why, and here were the things I'm using to hang on to until the meds situation gets cleared up. (He just signed an at-will employment contract, so we may have insurance soon. Or at least we may be able to look forward to getting insurance. Cross your fingers it has good Mental Health provisions and that they don't decide not to cover this pre-existing condition.) One of the other things I'm looking forward to is that I get to go through absolute hell on Monday -- facing the therapist I went hysterical to on the telephone yesterday, then spending the remainder of the day with my Mother -- so I'm pretty much gonna spend this weekend hiding at the back of my cage. I am rearranging the furniture, though, which somehow always helps me. It's like an external indication that the internal landscape is going to change.
So what are you up to for the weekend? Any special plans? How are you doing, yourself?
(I'm kicking myself so hard for getting so hysterical yesterday, of course. I get like a dog with a bone, and totally irrational. Instead of trying to get anyone to listen to me about the meds being defective, I should have said, "You know, the problem is I haven't been able to sleep for two nights now, and I'm going through withdrawal symptoms now. What are we going to do about it?" Instead, I raised my voice -- something, believe it or not, I very rarely do -- and kept saying, "But this is about your agency's failure, this is about a lack of response from the med clinic, this is about a lack of respect for my needs, this is about no one there listening to me, this is not about putting me back in the hospital, it's about the bad meds" etc. I'm right, from my perspective, but that wasn't necessarily the right way to get my point across... See, there are all these things about this pdoc. I'm sure he's there in order to serve the profoundly mentally ill, who would otherwise not receive care. I think that I, because I have 40 years of experience in hiding my feelings, challenge his view of what his patients should be. And it doesn't help that I recognize from his social cues that he's a lot like the men I used to bait in college, and I think he recognizes me as the kind of woman who used to bait men like him. Not in a truly unkind way, you understand, but in the way of a pretty woman who happened to be smart, as well, and was treated as a sort of mascot for the Real Thinkers. Sorry, Charlie, not this chick. I'm smarter than you are, have probably read more, and really won't stroke that ego until it stops arching its back and hissing at me to look bigger. You treat me like a person, I'll treat you like one. As long as you treat me like a stereotype, I'll treat you the same, and just as you're choosing the stereotype you treat me as... Poor guys probably had to be sedated after an hour or two with me, but then they were mostly all in the Philosophy department, so they were very easily frightened...)
(Ah, those were the days, to be young and careless again...)
poster:Racer
thread:321246
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/2000/20040213/msgs/321429.html