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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on March 1, 2004, at 13:56:30
Well, it's not totally negative. She did address some of my "issues" without me bringing them up. She asked specific enough questions that I could answer them, which is good, and I like her, which is also good.
BUT
The problem is that one of my immediate concerns has to do with the treatment I'm receiving through the medication clinic within the same agency for which she works. It's a really big concern for me, and it relates directly to, and is a good illustration of, my underlying problems. It has to do with self-doubt, self-blame, and an inability to trust my own perceptions even when I can see external factors which tend to support my own conclusions. I know, I'm being cryptic there, but it's hard to say what I feel without feeling as though I'm either suffering delusions of grandeur, or being insufferably arrogant, or generally being foundationally "wrong" -- all things that are integral to my personal struggle.
When I brought this up as a topic for discussion -- stating clearly that I wanted to explore my own perceptions and how they relate to my problems, and NOT asking her to commit herself to judgements on her collegues -- she absolutely shut me down. "All of our doctors are quite well qualified, and I really can't step into their area of responsibility." Not in a cruel way, not in an uncaring way, nothing negative, just no positive effort to understand what I was asking for, at least that I could see. I think she was trying to set a limit from the start regarding the boundaries of what THERAPY encompassed, and trying to prevent me from looking to her for intervention with the medication department. That's all good, it's all appropriate, but there's still one little problem: I do feel the need to talk about it, to figure it out for myself, and either to adapt to the circumstances or to adapt the circumstances to my needs. I guess I want her to help me discover which of those is the best option open to me at this time, and by refusing to discuss what I perceive as an immediate problem, I'm hearing from her that it's my problem, and my responsibility to deal with it. All true, but I really want some help with it.
Anyone have any words of wisdom? Any clues on possible directions I could try out?
Thanks!
Posted by judy1 on March 1, 2004, at 15:18:44
In reply to Ugh -- report after first session with new therp, posted by Racer on March 1, 2004, at 13:56:30
this has always been a huge problem with me too. that's probably why the loss of my pdoc is so huge- he did therapy and meds, and he listened to me. he just said i knew more about medicine than most drs.- probably due to having been married to one and helping him study for boards. and having seen way too many pdocs.
my pdoc said that all pdocs have an agenda- they feel the need to control. that doesn't go over with me and doesn't sound like it goes over well with you either. do you feel like you know the best meds to try and they are not listening? what do you want from your therapist regarding meds?
take care, judy
Posted by Racer on March 1, 2004, at 21:07:20
In reply to Re: Ugh -- report after first session with new therp » Racer, posted by judy1 on March 1, 2004, at 15:18:44
It's not so much that I have specific drugs in mind that he's not comfortable with prescribing. It seems more complex than that, to me, but it's probably simpler: I think he has invested a part of himself into keeping me sick. (Man, I'm shaking when I type that, it sounds so crazy.) He is changing meds, trying to find something that works, but I get this vibe off of him that says he wants me to stay sick so that he can feel well. You know, the old "there but for the grace of.." thing.
And, I really like him. I do think he's a good, compassionate, caring, devoted man. I just think that he has some unresolved issues of his own that I trigger too strongly for his comfort.
Or, maybe I'm just nuts?
Posted by judy1 on March 2, 2004, at 13:39:17
In reply to Not quite that... » judy1, posted by Racer on March 1, 2004, at 21:07:20
no, i don't think your imagining anything- like i said they (pdocs) all have an agenda. and i don't doubt your instincts at all saying he is keeping you ill. i could and have gone on and on about involunatry hospitalizations, forced meds and treatment- i've run into many pdocs who have these types of agendas (and other patients think they're the greatest). you know i have been a victim of sexual boundary crossing, by someone i had considered the most compassionate person i had ever met. now, when i'm faced with these type of feelings (that you are experiencing),i run- out of pure self-preservation. ok, what are your alternatives? can you get a second opinion?
take care, judy
Posted by Racer on March 2, 2004, at 16:03:38
In reply to Re: Not quite that... » Racer, posted by judy1 on March 2, 2004, at 13:39:17
Thank you. Let me tell you about what happened with the last pdoc I saw under similar circumstances:
I've been uninsured for years now, so when my last major depression hit, I was actually lucky to get help from the county. I was also unlucky enough to get Dr A, short for you know what kind of a hole. She had sample packs of a medication on her desk, hardly even pretended to listen to my list of other A/Ds I'd taken with their side effects, and just handed me the samples. Later, she tried to prescribe more drugs to counteract the side effects of that drug, which is when I refused to continue taking it. At that point, she did prescribe another drug, but she told me that if it didn't work, if I didn't "cooperate", she'd diagnose me as having a borderline personality disorder, and then no one would ever take me seriously again.
Eventually, I got appropriate medication that helped me get through that depression, from another doctor. Within the county system, however, I had no means of changing doctors. I did request a change of doctors, through several levels of bureaucracy, and using all the gumption I could muster. It was hard work for me at the time, and to fail so utterly was devastating. (I mean, these people literally broke the law: when I reported to one public health official that I was actively suicidal, he responded that he'd checked with my doctor who said I wasn't.)
In my current situation, there are all sorts of reasons not to get into that quagmire, but I don't know how much I can trust my perceptions of what's going on. Not so much directly about this pdoc. I'm more and more certain that my gut instincts are pretty dead on. What I don't trust is whether or not trying to address that, whether by requesting a new pdoc or asking for a mediator or second opinion or whatever, would make the situation worse. I know I don't have the resources right now, emotionally, to go through something like that again.
And, Judy, I don't think I am aware of your boundary crossing. It may be that it came up during a time when I couldn't quite see past the end of my nose, and I'm very sorry about that. You've helped me, and I'm sorry to learn that I haven't really returned that support. I'm very grateful to you, and hope you know that.
Posted by judy1 on March 2, 2004, at 19:31:03
In reply to Thank you » judy1, posted by Racer on March 2, 2004, at 16:03:38
i was on another website and we were discussing John Nash and psychiatrists (a lot of people think from the movie 'A beautiful Mind' that he got better from using the atypical APs, when in actuality he stopped meds) and this is from his website: John Nash's own words in his 1994 autobiography on the Nobel Prize Website:
"But after my return to the dream-like delusional hypotheses in the later 60's I became a person of delusionally influenced thinking but of relatively moderate behavior and thus tended to avoid hospitalization and the direct attention of psychiatrists"
so that has become somewhat of my mantra- "to avoid the direct attention of psychiatrists" i actually have decent insurance, but i have gone through scores of shrinks until my soon to be ex. i think after years of living with my disorder(s) and taking multiple combos of drugs, i know what works and what doesn't. so part of this is personal- not trusting the psychiatric profession, and part just knowing what is best for me. are you on disability? medicare or medicaid? what kinds of drugs are you taking- will your GP prescribe them?
and please don't apologize for not knowing my past psych experiences, we all go through periods of just trying to get ourselves through the day, never mind checking out what other people are going through. i appreciate all the support you've given to me also- judy
This is the end of the thread.
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