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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on July 18, 2003, at 21:44:28
Isn't that sick? Still, it may be negative, but this does give me somethng to look forward to: getting the results of the cultures sometime next week, and finding out if this is cancer.
I guess the trick is finding something positive to look forward to, huh? Can anyone tell me how to do that?
Posted by noa on July 18, 2003, at 22:31:41
In reply to something to look forward to, posted by Racer on July 18, 2003, at 21:44:28
A long time ago, a friend taught me that it has to be the little things. That to get through the day, I'd have to start thinking small--if I could find one tiny glimmer of something good--really tiny--that I had to call that a good day.
Sounds awfully corny, I know. But I gotta tell you. It kind of worked for me. I forget to do that most of the time, now. But every once in a blue moon, I catch myself noticing something small that is good, and thinking that it makes the day good.
Gosh, I know I must be coming accross as this awful pollyanna lately.
I know that when we are in our deepest depressions, a lot of this stuff just sounds ludicrous.
I take hope, though, from the fact that you manage to feel anticipation for the test results. Do you know how you might react to positive or negative results?
Posted by Racer on July 18, 2003, at 23:09:40
In reply to Re: something to look forward to, posted by noa on July 18, 2003, at 22:31:41
I have no idea how I'll react to anything right now. Positive STD results, at least I know what I'll do. In that case, I'll email the widow to tell her, so that she can get treated.
As for the breast stuff, I have no idea. I guess some of it depends on the specifics. You know, am I gonna die? A big part of me says, "Oh, goodie! I won't have to do anything!" I doubt that will last long, though.
So, that's your answer: I have no clue what my reaction will be. First, of course, the fight to find a place that will do the tests in the first place. Let's start with that bridge. Paperwork is started to try to get a mammogram through the county. If that doesn't come through, I've got a back up idea that I'll try. Once we get that part done, then we'll worry about what my reaction will be.
One other thing, of course: I have never *liked* my breasts. That will probably add a whole lot to this whole equation.
Posted by shar on July 19, 2003, at 10:53:57
In reply to Re: something to look forward to, posted by Racer on July 18, 2003, at 23:09:40
I like Noa's idea of having to call a day good if there is one, even a little bitty one, good thing about it. It's a perspective someone like me can use because it's so hard to see anything good most of the time. Now, whether I'll be able to implement it successfully is another question....
The breast lump thing...I had a lump a few years ago, and I didn't get really scared and panicked either for some reason. I was anxious, but not like some people I've seen (mainly on made-for-TV movies, I have to confess). They did a biopsy--showed up at the hospital at 8 a.m., no coffee, got into surgery at noon with a raging caffeine withdrawal headache and nicotene withdrawal head and body ache. I'm not doing it their way anymore. While they had parked me in front of a room to get yet another mammogram before the surgery, they went away for a long time, so I went looking for the smoking section (in paper gown and booties). It was outside, it had rained a while before, it was muddy--not a good thing for paper booties. I bummed a smoke and stood there smoking it, then finished and went back inside (making little muddy bootie prints).
Nobody knew I'd left, no problem til in the operating room, on the table, laying in the crucifix position, I said if there is a sterile field here, you may want to change my booties because they have dirt on them.
The biopsy was negative. The last mammogram I had (about 3 years ago) they said they found another lump they want to keep an eye on and come back in 6 months, then I lost my job, insurance, etc.
So, I know what you mean when you say you don't feel shocked and horrified. It's a lot to take in along with everything else going on.
And, if test results pique your interest enough to keep you here another week, that's a good thing. (from my perspective)
Take care,
Sharyn
Posted by tina on July 19, 2003, at 21:32:26
In reply to Re: something to look forward to, posted by Racer on July 18, 2003, at 23:09:40
It's strange Racer, but when there is a real 'crisis" in my life, something that happens TO me not because of me or because of my illness, I seem to find my strength way down deep inside where I thought there was none. Maybe that's what happens to you. I do hope with all my heart that there is no cancer or std though.
love and hugs
tina
Posted by abby on July 20, 2003, at 9:52:15
In reply to Re: something to look forward to, posted by Racer on July 18, 2003, at 23:09:40
If you do have an STD, remember that a lot of them are treatable.
But I just wanted to say that if you don't want to, I bet that *you* wouldn't have to e-mail the widow. I think that you could mention your partners, and then the public health authorities would contact them, and I bet that they would contact the widow, if you gave them her information.
You should do what feels right to you, but I just wanted to put this option out there.
Abby
Posted by Racer on July 20, 2003, at 12:13:54
In reply to STDs and public health » Racer, posted by abby on July 20, 2003, at 9:52:15
Actually, I'd much rather be the one to pass that information on. I guess to me it's a way of saying, "I know you think I'm totally evil, but here's a difficult thing I did for your benefit." Does that make sense? There's probably some subconscious stuff going on, too, like a desire to hurt her back, but the conscious part is penance. Having the public health authorities contact her would be even more horrifying than having to do it myself, anyway, since I'm sure she'd take it as a sign that I'm such a slut they held me down on the table to take swabs. (Hey, you didn't read those emails. I did.)
Right now, I'm falling back into despair again. I don't know what's happening, why it's getting so much worse when it was getting better for a while. Two other things happened that I can think of, though. One is business related: a former client is starting to slam me. The other is the breast lump. The slamming is not unexpected, but it's public.
Oh, yeah, and there's another thing that might mean nothing nothing, or might mean that not everyone here is as kind as some are. Someone referenced the phrase "psycho babbler" on another bulletin board, relating to something someone else had said, but in a way that makes me think this 'anonymous identity' and that one have been identified with me in real life. If so, and if it's made public, I am out of business entirely in this area. Just like high school. I guess that's a danger in posting anything anywhere, but it is feeling as if I'm even more helpless than ever, with far fewer resources for support.
I'm going back to hide inside a book again.
Posted by judy1 on July 21, 2003, at 11:24:57
In reply to Re: STDs and public health » abby, posted by Racer on July 20, 2003, at 12:13:54
I think you have a very legitimate fear with your breast lump, despite statistics that say 90%? are benign. I hope you reconsider having the health authority contact the necessary people rather than yourself, I think you are suffering enough w/o adding more stress to your life. As far as the other board, did the poster make specific references that could identify you- like home town or name? I would find that horrifying too, and I can't imagine how they would garner that information from this site. I truly hope you are feeling a little better today.
take care, judy
Posted by allisonm on July 24, 2003, at 9:40:44
In reply to something to look forward to, posted by Racer on July 18, 2003, at 21:44:28
Any word yet, Racer? How are things with you?
> >>Still, it may be negative, but this does give me somethng to look forward to: getting the results of the cultures sometime next week, and finding out if this is cancer.<<
This is the end of the thread.
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