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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 3 of 3. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by allisonm on July 9, 2003, at 9:46:10
just wondering.
take care.
a.
Posted by Racer on July 9, 2003, at 11:05:17
In reply to Racer, how are you today?, posted by allisonm on July 9, 2003, at 9:46:10
I don't know. I'm alive, but now I'm wishing more and more I had the courage to kill myself. I don't know if that means I've figured out I'm not going to do it, or if it's getting worse and more dangerous. Between the aloneness, the physical pain, the knowing that so many of the things wrong can't be fixed, well, it's not an existence I'm particularly fond of right now. And it seems as if more is going wrong, too. Add to the pain, I think I'm brewing up a case of shingles, too. I'm hoarding Xanax, so that I won't have to stay awake, but I'm so afraid of running out.
Anyway, that's how I am today. How are you?
Posted by allisonm on July 9, 2003, at 13:34:35
In reply to Re: Racer, how are you today?, posted by Racer on July 9, 2003, at 11:05:17
I'm OK. It's raining, which means the weather has decided for me what I need to do today... work at the computer entering data into a spreadsheet. I have been procrastinating all morning and now it is afternoon.
Having trouble focusing, and I still feel kinda squirrelly after learning about what my dad calls his "slight indiscretion." I just have a feeling he (and our family) will pay for this in various ways for a long time.
I envy your having horses. I took riding lessons for awhile last year, but I think my favorite time was just grooming them, talking to them and walking with them. My psychiatrist suggested I work with horses. I haven't ridden for a semester now. I miss them, but not the fear of trying to ride without stirrups or jumping with a horse that enjoys speeding up and trying to gallop off after every jump. (Yup, I am a novice, but was getting better after awhile.) I remember feeling particularly humiliated and frustrated by a horse after a lesson one night last summer, trying to get out of the barn without anyone noticing the tears running down my face, and walking into a pasture to discover thousands and thousands of fireflies in the grass and air. It looked like a fairyland. Never saw anything like it. I hope I can see it again someday.
I dunno, Racer, what's happened has happened. All of this is still very fresh and painful for you, but time will lessen that. Probably not soon enough, but it will, and you will be a stronger person for it.
I beat myself up for a long time over my affair because his wife was my friend and also pregnant at the time. I still feel haunted occassionally when I pass by places the three of us had been. It's my fault too, but it did take two. I can't kick myself, nor can I grieve the loss of his comfort anymore. He dropped me like a rock when the baby was born. I felt alone for a long time and then kicked myself for obsessing so much, for seeking the unobtainable... My best friend warned me, but based on results, I needed to do all of that and am stronger and wiser for the added scars.
I have found that friends who judge me or who have no understanding of depression and chastise me as though I had it by choice never last long as friends, never really were real friends. Relatives just have to be tolerated or ignored or detached from.
I am sorry for your pain and for the hellish circumstances surrounding it. Loss is hard enough without additional blame, grief, loss, shame, guilt, loaded on by others. Please be good to yourself. Avoid the blamers and their calls and email. You don't need to put yourself through that. Everyone is in pain right now and they all need to heal on their own and in different ways.
Conserve your energies. Hang on. Something tells me that you are a survivor. You're still young. New journeys ahead will ease the hurt of here and now.
Apologies for the longwindedness.
This is the end of the thread.
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