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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on July 6, 2003, at 13:43:51
I'm not really numb, not really anything at all. I can't find any strong feelings, the way I could the other day when I thought I wanted to kill myself. Now I just can't seem to find anything at all inside me. There's a sort of sense that I can't live, but wanting to or not wanting to isn't there right now. I can't say I don't care, really, but there's no feeling of pressure either way.
It's a little worrisome.
Posted by judy1 on July 6, 2003, at 16:32:58
In reply to I can't tell if it's getting better or worse, posted by Racer on July 6, 2003, at 13:43:51
It sounds like you are distancing yourself from painful feelings which actually can be a helpful coping skill- giving you time for a breather before you confront any issues. I dissociate when things are really bad, it sounds like you aren't quite that far along. I imagine it feels better to be like this then the pain you were in earlier. Forgive me, I can't remember if you have a therapist- what is going on along those lines now?
take care of yourself-judy
Posted by Racer on July 6, 2003, at 21:10:08
In reply to I can't tell if it's getting better or worse, posted by Racer on July 6, 2003, at 13:43:51
It's getting worse.
A little while ago, I got another email from my lover's widow. She won't let it go. I've had emails and telephone calls from people I know and people I don't know, some saying just the things that hurt me most, some warning me, some just telling me to burn in hell. One, from someone who was supposed to be my friend, saying she couldn't see me anymore because of this, but I should let her know where I kept my horses so that she could warn the widow who wanted to keep track of me so that she'd never go to a barn I was at and run into me. This latest email came just after another telephone call from an unlisted number that hung up as soon as I answered.
I've told my husband that I just can't keep going. I don't want to live anymore, with nothing but more of the same that I've been trying to get through these last years, with this on top of it. I tried, my god how I've tried! It's not working, I'll never get anywhere, and I can't keep trying. I'm too damn tired.
Please excuse the bad word, Dr Bob. Guess I could have *ed it, but it's the only word I know.
Posted by judy1 on July 7, 2003, at 15:23:09
In reply to Re: Worse, posted by Racer on July 6, 2003, at 21:10:08
I'm truly sorry that things aren't going very well right now. I say right now because I think you've felt this down before and were able to fight your way back. I wouldn't open any e-mails if I were you, instead contacting people you know will be supportive and just responding to them. You're to shakey now to deal with nasty people- instead of feeling anger towards them (as you should be doing) you're turning it inward. Tell me about your horse :-), I have an Arabian mare that I just fed some carrots to. Can you go to the stable and visit your horse and hug her/him? if you don't feel well enough to ride? They give such unconditional love and I think that would really help you now. take care, judy
Posted by judy1 on July 7, 2003, at 15:43:57
In reply to Re: Worse » Racer, posted by judy1 on July 7, 2003, at 15:23:09
I just wanted to make sure that you read the social board and see a wonderful offer of help from zen and a post from sienna. You have many people on this board who care a great deal for you Racer- you are truly blessed. I pray you are able to see through the darkness and realize the good things that make your life worth living.
take care, judy
Posted by tina on July 7, 2003, at 22:24:25
In reply to p.s. to Racer, posted by judy1 on July 7, 2003, at 15:43:57
i am so so sorry you're in such pain. I wish I could help. I wish none of us had to fight. I wish I wish I wish. What happened to all the fairies that grant wishes?
I'm sending whatever strength I have to spare to you Racer. It's not much, I know. I'm in my own kind of hell right now.
love and hugs
tina
Posted by Racer on July 8, 2003, at 2:36:50
In reply to Re: Worse » Racer, posted by judy1 on July 7, 2003, at 15:23:09
Two OTTBs, one sound, one not. He's the one I want, of course, my little lame prince. She won a race, probably the only day in her life she felt like cooperating. She's good, because it's her nature, but not at all willing. He's cooperative, because he's so scared he'll miss something and end up so confused! Poor thing.
Neither are cuddle bugs, though. Don't I wish. Meanwhile, I'm afraid to go to the barn, since the calls and emails started. And I can't make myself go into my tackroom -- since that was the scene of...
I don't know. I'm almost gone now, I think. Trying to decide to do it now. What do you do with your arab? Endurance? Breed? Trail? We're hunter types. West coast, show ring hunters, that is.
Posted by judy1 on July 8, 2003, at 11:41:06
In reply to Re: Worse » judy1, posted by Racer on July 8, 2003, at 2:36:50
Hi Racer,
Is there a time- early in the morning?, evening? when you can avoid seeing people at the stables? I know my horse and family were life-savers for me when I was deeply depressed. I couldn't stand the thought of not being there for them. My mare is trained in dressage (lower levels), I don't have the discipline to move up and I would probably have to get a warmblood to do that. I tried hunt, it was so hard! Fun though, and it must feel exhilirating when you're good at it. I hope you're able to overcome your fear (e-mails that are nasty are written by cowards) and go see your 'babies'- I'm sure they miss you.
Take care of yourself Racer, judy
This is the end of the thread.
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