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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 48. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 6, 2005, at 11:32:03
I know you want to. I see how this place works...the trouble-makers are quietly eliminated, left to die. Don't worry people, I am willing to be a martyr. No others need to suffer or die after my sacrifice...I'll make it known to the world. No change will ever come about to these draconian rules and punishments without extreme measures. I'm off to buy me some rope. Finally, my death will NOT be in VAIN.
Posted by chemist on May 6, 2005, at 12:39:36
In reply to Block me you m***er f***er, posted by Shy_Girl on May 6, 2005, at 11:32:03
hello there, chemist here...how's about easing off on getting you some rope and perhaps getting you some hope in its stead? no need to go down that path in such a hurry, is there? and this troublemaker has not been eliminated, and there are far more illustrious collectors of PB vacation time than i still working the room. it sounds to me as though you need to discuss with your doctor the utility of monotherapy with 40 mg of celexa for whatever is ailing you - and before you ask, i am making this statement without the prodding of others. please be well, your recent posts are a bit on the worrisome side, and it would be a shame to find that a tweak in therapy and/or meds could do the trick at this juncture if you choose to shed your mortal coil so soon, would it not? all the best, chemist
> I know you want to. I see how this place works...the trouble-makers are quietly eliminated, left to die. Don't worry people, I am willing to be a martyr. No others need to suffer or die after my sacrifice...I'll make it known to the world. No change will ever come about to these draconian rules and punishments without extreme measures. I'm off to buy me some rope. Finally, my death will NOT be in VAIN.
Posted by NikkiT2 on May 6, 2005, at 14:05:17
In reply to ... » Shy_Girl, posted by chemist on May 6, 2005, at 12:39:36
I really think you need to call your doctor shy girl.
I'm also diagnosed BPD, and I found a low dose of zyprexa was a huge help for my suicidal and obsessive thoughts..
But you need to be safe right now.. today. Please go to ER and tell them you are contemplating suicide.. please..
Nikki xx
Posted by sunny10 on May 6, 2005, at 15:10:32
In reply to Re: ... » chemist, posted by NikkiT2 on May 6, 2005, at 14:05:17
is that an option for you?
To go to the hospital?
I want to support you in whatever you decide...
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 6, 2005, at 15:41:36
In reply to ... » Shy_Girl, posted by chemist on May 6, 2005, at 12:39:36
I bought some rope...at evil ***Mart...Multi-Purpose, 100% Nylon, 10mm x 15m...Twisted Nylon Rope. I wonder if it is long enough? I choose the thicker rope so it will be more comfy.
I'm not so angry anymore. I'm drained. Today was the last appointment I'm going to have with my pdoc...she's going on maternity leave. She told me to make 4 appointments for when she comes back...but I'm not going to. I've already used up enough health resources as it is. She bumped up my Celexa even more when I told her about my instablity...now on 50mg. You would think Celexa was some golden elixir-type pill or something...she way she thinks it will help me.
I'm going to have to face it...things are pretty bleak for me...my life is pretty much screwed. I can't seem to *learn* from my mistakes...like any normal human being. I'm too tired to do anything right now. I'm going to learn to tie some knots.
There is no help for me, there is no hope for me. It is best if you don't get too involved with me.
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 6, 2005, at 16:53:58
In reply to Re: ..., posted by Shy_Girl on May 6, 2005, at 15:41:36
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 6, 2005, at 19:43:26
In reply to Block me you m***er f***er, posted by Shy_Girl on May 6, 2005, at 11:32:03
I realize now that I'm out of control sometimes...I must see a doctor on a regular basis. With my pdoc away, I'm going to make an appt. with my gp on Mon. I don't particularly like this gp, but I don't have much choice (it IS impossible to get a family doc. here...there simply aren't enough around.)
I'm going to ask her about low dose antipsychotics...having a way to get out of my rages sounds really nice. I don't think this will happen for me though, every doc here is super conservative or something IMO.
I'm also going to return the rope I bought today...hopefully I can stay reasonably sane long enough for this to happen. I don't trust myself with this rope.
I am very sorry Dr. Bob. I understand now that you are a mirror to me.
jenny
Posted by fallsfall on May 6, 2005, at 22:05:31
In reply to I need some help, I'm going to return the rope, posted by Shy_Girl on May 6, 2005, at 19:43:26
I'm glad you are going to return the rope. That is an act of courage.
Keep posting. We are reading.
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 6, 2005, at 22:17:23
In reply to I need some help, I'm going to return the rope, posted by Shy_Girl on May 6, 2005, at 19:43:26
> I realize now that I'm out of control sometimes...I must see a doctor on a regular basis. With my pdoc away, I'm going to make an appt. with my gp on Mon. I don't particularly like this gp, but I don't have much choice (it IS impossible to get a family doc. here...there simply aren't enough around.)
>
> I'm going to ask her about low dose antipsychotics...having a way to get out of my rages sounds really nice. I don't think this will happen for me though, every doc here is super conservative or something IMO.
>
> I'm also going to return the rope I bought today...hopefully I can stay reasonably sane long enough for this to happen. I don't trust myself with this rope.
>
> I am very sorry Dr. Bob. I understand now that you are a mirror to me.
>
> jennyI'm glad you have a new and better plan.
You might consider printing off some of your posts, to provide your doctor with some insight into where your thinking takes you.
Take care of you,
Lar
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 7, 2005, at 14:22:25
In reply to I need some help, I'm going to return the rope, posted by Shy_Girl on May 6, 2005, at 19:43:26
Sleeping is so nice to do! For the second time in a week I found myself laughing in my sleep. I had a very funny dream about ice cream. I slept 'til 3pm.
There is no urgency to kill myself. I don't feel like heading out to return the rope, I'm too lazy. It will be a big hassle to wind it up nicely and shove it back into it's plastic packaging. I want to tie some cool knots with it first...maybe it's some morbid facination.
I've already seen my pdoc so many times, I'm wasting tax-payer's money. I think it is best if I try to learn to deal with my problems on my own. What afficts me is not biological in nature anyways...so seeing doctors will do no good. I will probably not kill myself...though I cannot predict it in myself, it is still a very rare event.
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 7, 2005, at 19:55:39
In reply to Re: Lost my desire to return the rope, posted by Shy_Girl on May 7, 2005, at 14:22:25
This world is not real to me...I'm not sure it ever was. When I go outside, everything is so foreign...people are simply objects. My future is an abstraction. I can hardly remember the past.
I cannot relate to people...even here, where so many are accepted, I am not. No one wants to respond to me anymore. People think I'm playing games. I cannot explain my behaviour. I don't know who I am.
I am an Atheist...I believe death is just like not being born yet...it is nothingness. I cannot integrate myself into society. I've wasted my family's money. I'm only kidding myself if I think I'm going to be a researcher one day. I'm simply not smart enough. I'm incapable of even the simplest things...phoning people scares me. Ordering food at a restaurant scares me. And now...on top of everything, I have a BPD. I'm unloveable, stigmatized by all helping proffessionals. I know no one cares about me here...this is only a web site. I know my pdoc doesn't care about me either...I'm just a patient.
I've caused my family, esp. my Mom much suffering. She works so hard to provide me and my sister with a decent chance at life. Life has been very difficult for her...she doesn't even speak English. I can't even provide for her. My sister is the future, she is doing very well... Money is wasted on me right now.
No one needs me except for my hamster. He will die soon. From what I've read my method of choice is not all that painful. Don't worry people, I won't act just yet. My sister is coming home for a few days.
Sorry for being a downer, hope this has been an interesting read at least
Posted by henrietta on May 7, 2005, at 21:25:03
In reply to Re: Do I belong in this world?, posted by Shy_Girl on May 7, 2005, at 19:55:39
Shy girl:
I'm glad your sister is coming. Please tell her all the things you have been telling us, or, as Larry suggested, print out your posts and show them to her.
Of course you belong in this world. You just need some help right now, and I hope you will ask for it in real life.
I'm sending my best wishes to you.
Henrietta
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 7, 2005, at 21:42:49
In reply to Re: Do I belong in this world?, posted by Shy_Girl on May 7, 2005, at 19:55:39
I feel like nobody feels my pain, which is very self-centred because there are many people in this world who suffer more than I do.
I am truly sorry for treating people like cr*p here.
I'm sure I'll became "happy" again a few days from now, just like how I'm sure I'll be suicidal again. The truth is, the statistics aren't looking too good for me. All the "false alarms" are not helping me. Soon one day, the wolf will really come.
You know, it is true, I only want the pain to go away. But it is also true that there is such a thing as a terminal mental illness. When I die, I want to be cremated...I don't want a fancy funeral. I want to donate my organs...but it may be tricky...timing things just right so I am brain dead only. I would donate my body to medical science, but I'm too hideous.
I've not accomplished anything in this world, so it is no biggie. I have no friends to miss me. I have no dependents. I have no money, no life experience. I can't even drive yet. The truth is, my life is already over. I'm just waiting to die.
Anyways, thank-you all for humouring me and responding. I hope I was at least a little bit entertaining. Again, don't worry about me, my sister is coming home tomorrow. There is no way I can be alone with her home.
thank-you again for listening, sorry I was such a b*tch at times
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 7, 2005, at 22:17:18
In reply to Re: Do I belong in this world? » Shy_Girl, posted by henrietta on May 7, 2005, at 21:25:03
> I'm glad your sister is coming. Please tell her all the things you have been telling us, or, as Larry suggested, print out your posts and show them to her.
I can't talk to anyone in my family. No one in my family even knows that I dropped out of university this semester. I pretend to go to class...I ride the buses over and over again. There is nowhere to go, no one to talk to. I am very good at pretending there is nothing wrong. No one knows about all those times I could have killed myself.
> Of course you belong in this world. You just need some help right now, and I hope you will ask for it in real life.
No, you are wrong. I don't belong in this world. I've known it since I was a little kid. I've always been different...I lived in my mind, a fantasy place...filled with wonder and terror. There is nothing I can do to contribute to this world...it is survival of the fittest in this economy...in this society. I'm 23 and I don't have anything. I'm entirely dependent on my parents...I'm a parasite. I cannot experience love and as such I cannot receive it or give it. This is not the world for me.
There is no help for me. I'll already been locked up in the hospital before (and I wasn't even really attempting, ha)...it is not much fun. I cannot see how in the world it is helpful...it made me worst in the long run. Then I saw my pdoc every week, and yet here I am...worst than ever. It is up to me to change, no one outside of myself can help me. The trouble is, I don't know if I really can change. My life will always be as it is now. I don't want to be a burden to my family anymore.
Sorry I cannot accept your advice.
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 8, 2005, at 0:10:12
In reply to Re: Do I belong in this world? » Shy_Girl, posted by henrietta on May 7, 2005, at 21:25:03
I'm starting to feel better already...yay :-)
I've got to hide all evidence of my suicidal ideations before my sister (who is younger than I am BTW) comes home tomorrow. She, unlike my parents, can use a computer, read English etc.
I don't know what is wrong with me...I get so very out of control with my emotions. I've read some stuff on the net about complex seizures and BPD...does anyone buy that? Is there actual evidence for that? I must admit, it would actually make a lot of sense in my case. There is a history of childhood seizures and migraines in my family...but I doubt there's any correlation.
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 8, 2005, at 0:38:28
In reply to Re: Feeling better...seizure theory?, posted by Shy_Girl on May 8, 2005, at 0:10:12
I don't know if the reason no one gives me anything other than an SSRI is because I don't seem very disordered. I don't abuse substances, I don't have run ins with the law etc. I'm a pretty "good" kid. A big part of the problem however, is that part of the reason why I don't get into any trouble in the first place is because I don't have any friends and I'm scared of interacting with people.
I feel extremely bad frequently and want to do anything to make it go away or at least be able to control it. It is next to impossible to "think healthy thoughts" when I'm in such a state.
Before I do anything stupid like kill myself, I would really like to have at least tried something other than an SSRI. IMO the risks of the meds don't outweight the possible harm of my dysphoria. Now, the problem is, how in the world do I get something like Tegretol or a low dose neuroleptic to at least try out? Do I print out info from the net? I don't think that would be very convincing.
Also, I'm not very fond of the GP my family sees. Can I get useful help from a walk-in clinic?? Seeing a pdoc is pretty much out of the question for me now...it would take a referral and many months of waiting. I need help!
Posted by Dinah on May 8, 2005, at 5:17:06
In reply to Re: How do I get GP to consider other meds?, posted by Shy_Girl on May 8, 2005, at 0:38:28
Print out all your posts from the past week or so and bring them with you. You might not be conveying the level of your distress to your GP. That's ok, it happens with a lot of us. I told my doctor that the kidney stones were a bit uncomfortable. It's a lot easier to bring things in writing.
Posted by alexandra_k on May 8, 2005, at 6:12:29
In reply to Re: Sorry everyone, posted by Shy_Girl on May 7, 2005, at 21:42:49
The world feels especially unreal to me when I am stressed out or really tired or sick. But it does feel like that sometimes. It is called derealisation. The other one is depersonalisation. Thats when you don't feel that you are real. I get that one too. Sometimes I feel a bit like I don't even exist. Like I am all empty or fading away.
It is a feeling that comes and goes.
I think you can relate to people.
I think you can see people as more than objects.
Relationships are a matter of give and take.
You receive support
You give support
And others are feeling good when you are not
And others are feeling bad when you are not
And so if you give support when you can
You are more likely to receive support when you cannot.
And friendships take time.
But please don't feel that you haven't been accepted here.
People are still here.
Reading your posts and responding.
People grow to care about you
Most especially if they think you are growing to care about them.
>I am an Atheist...I believe death is just like not being born yet...it is nothingness.I believe the same :-)
Don't feel hopeless.
I know it may be hard to believe
But things will get better for you.
Things that seem overwhelming now - you will be able to do them. It will get easier.
I am staggered when I think how far I have come in the last 5 years.
It hasn't been easy.
Really.
I'm sure you can imagine.
Mostly I just wished I could just curl up and die.
But that never worked out for me.
And now I am disfigured by failed attempts.
Believe me, that was not worth it.
If I could take that back - I would.Would your hamster like a friend?
There will be other hamsters.
People too.
People who care about you and need you.
You say your mum works real hard to give you and your sister a decent life.
That makes me think that one of the biggest insults you could do her would be to kill yourself.> I feel like nobody feels my pain, which is very self-centred because there are many people in this world who suffer more than I do.
More to the point there are people who suffer similarly.
And people who have suffered similarly who have gotten better.
F*ck the stats.
I let them dictate my future for too long
They made me feel hopeless.
You have to make the decision for yourself:
F*ck the stats.
You are going to get better.
You are going to have a life worth living.
You are going to get to be a researcher.
Or whatever it is you want to do.
> You know, it is true, I only want the pain to go away.Yeah. I get that one. Really. I never wanted to die. Just wanted the pain to stop. Thought death meant that I would never ever have to feel pain again. But, you know, it also means that you will never ever have the chance to feel happiness either. To feel cared about. It may not feel like there is hope - but I reckon there is. And death will come soon enough at any rate. We are just a brief flicker really.
Yeah. I want cremation. I want to donate my organs too. But I don't think they would want my organs. I wear glasses, so they won't want my eyes. I smoke, so they won't want my lungs. I don't imagine there will be anything left of much use when I have finished with it.
But yeah. Donate to science, thats the idea. They can show the med students the perils of smoking and too much cholestorol or whatever. OMG look! The smallest frontal lobes I've ever seen! Let them have fun with it. Maybe they'll get to learn something. It doesn't matter to me at all. It might help or amuse someone else. Thats cool by me.
Posted by partlycloudy on May 8, 2005, at 6:26:12
In reply to Re: Sorry everyone, posted by Shy_Girl on May 7, 2005, at 21:42:49
Shy_Girl, I have been kind of quiet because I don't know how to respond to many posts - I want you to stay here and I want you to be well and get the help to feel better.
I agree with the others who recommend printing out your posts of the last week or so to bring to your gp appointment. (Also, I think it is better to see someone who knows you instead of walking into a clinic, IMO.)
hope you have a good day today,
pc
Posted by chemist on May 8, 2005, at 13:16:47
In reply to Re: How do I get GP to consider other meds?, posted by Shy_Girl on May 8, 2005, at 0:38:28
hello there, chemist here...i can only echo what the others have stated concerning you sticking around for a bit...as for walk-in clinics in Canada, perhaps a fellow citizen can be of help in that regard...as for tegretol and, specifically, securing it via the Internet: i assume that internet drug sources are looked upon with the same shadow by the authorities in Canada as they are in the lower 48...that aside, any medication should be monitored by the prescribing doctor or, failing that, a doctor who is familiar with the medication, patient history, and use of the medication (you would be using tegretol or, if you would like suggest an alternative that is easier on the liver and has shown potential for use in treating mood disorders, trileptal) ``off-label.''
and please be well: if you wish to learn about knots, stick to the theory. besides, if you want a refund for the rope - and i assume you do - recall that if you tie it full of knots that the vendor will not accept its return....yours, chemist
Posted by alesta on May 8, 2005, at 15:06:35
In reply to Re: Feeling better...seizure theory?, posted by Shy_Girl on May 8, 2005, at 0:10:12
hi shy :)
glad you're feeling better..wish i could be more supportive right now but my resources are a bit on the low side. but you know i love ya! you were so great for me a few days ago..i wanted to thank you for that..you and i gotta stick around..the battle hasn't been won yet..and, really, when life is easy, i've heard it gets boring..can't verify that one, though (i've never had the luxury of finding out).:)
i don't know why your emotions get so out of control. perhaps when i'm more together we could delve into this..it could be a personality disorder such as borderline personality disorder or manic depression (although i don't think rapid cycling would be *that* rapid..would have to check on that. would also help to know if circumstances/interactions with ppl trigger your emotional reactions or if it feels more like a biological thing that 'takes over'). anyway, we'll have to delve into these things ITF..i'm not feeling lucid enough right now to be of significant assistance...
anyway, i think you and i are in the same boat, here. you put the rope away, and i'll toss my 'plan' into the trash. capeesh? talk to me girl. is everything *really* all right? how can we get you on solid ground again? anything i can do? here's a hug ((((((shygirl))))))))
a concerned friend,
aim
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 8, 2005, at 15:32:02
In reply to Re: Feeling better...seizure theory? » Shy_Girl, posted by alesta on May 8, 2005, at 15:06:35
> glad you're feeling better..wish i could be more supportive right now but my resources are a bit on the low side. but you know i love ya!
It's ok :-) I wish I could be more supportive for you as well...I thought I could for a while, but then, you know, things just got out of hand for me.
>you were so great for me a few days ago
It feels really good to know that I made a difference somehow. :-)
> i don't know why your emotions get so out of control. perhaps when i'm more together we could delve into this..it could be a personality disorder such as borderline personality disorder or manic depression (although i don't think rapid cycling would be *that* rapid..would have to check on that.
I'm pretty sure it is borderline personality disorder. I think you are right, rapid cycling does not cycle that fast. Sometimes the emotional triggers are apparent, sometimes they are not. Stress really makes things worst. I'm stressed out right now because I can't seem to do anything...I'm too afraid to get a job, I don't know if I've ruined my academic life, my room is a mess etc, etc.
> would also help to know if circumstances/interactions with ppl trigger your emotional reactions or if it feels more like a biological thing that 'takes over').
There are definately triggers. One really big one is rejection...real or imagined. The switch from one state to another is really quite dramatic...and that is the thing that worries me. I am sometimes out of control. Fortunately, I sometimes respond to reason.
> anyway, we'll have to delve into these things ITF..i'm not feeling lucid enough right now to be of significant assistance...
Totally understandable. :-)
> anyway, i think you and i are in the same boat, here. you put the rope away, and i'll toss my 'plan' into the trash. capeesh? talk to me girl.Right now I've hidden my rope under my bed. I'm going to have to wait until my sister leaves for school to return it. I know I won't be alone until Wed. If I stay the way I am now, I won't go through with it. I will get rid of the rope...it is too dangerous...even for "practice." Ok, yes Amy, I will get rid of it if you get rid of your plan as well.
Thanks (((Amy)))
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 8, 2005, at 15:38:09
In reply to Re: Getting rid of our plans » alesta, posted by Shy_Girl on May 8, 2005, at 15:32:02
I hope you can forgive me. I was not myself. I know you are not evil. It is ok to block me if I am uncivil...it is the fair and just thing to do. I will try very hard to not be uncivil.
jenny
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 8, 2005, at 19:38:01
In reply to Re: How do I get GP to consider other meds? » Shy_Girl, posted by chemist on May 8, 2005, at 13:16:47
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 8, 2005, at 19:38:55
In reply to Re: I need some help, I'm going to return the rope » Shy_Girl, posted by Larry Hoover on May 6, 2005, at 22:17:23
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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