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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 44 to 68 of 99. Go back in thread:
Posted by rskontos on June 14, 2009, at 0:22:50
In reply to why this site can be so hurtful..., posted by twinleaf on June 11, 2009, at 17:41:54
, say 2006, you will see how much warmth and goodwill has been lost, and how mean-spirited and even cruel many of the exchanges here now are. Unfortunately, I think Happy is right: fair-minded people who intend to have the happiest and most fulfilled lives that they can, and who wish the same for others no longer belong here. Even worse, some of us who trusted Babble, Bob and the posters here have had horrible, stressful experiences- ones we do not have in our daily lives and shouldn't have anywhere. I am going to be very blunt: Bob is possibly a sadistic individual who damages the people he comes into contact with. I am just one of many who has been hurt by him- not the first and, sadly, probably not the last by far.
** I agree. I have been here since 2006 and the tone and level of threads, posts, tones of voice in threads/posts, has indeed changed and not for the better I am afraid. I have been hurt by things he has said and by the things he has done to others I feel for.
>
> I, and very likely others here. expected Bob to be roughly similar to therapists in our real lives whom we have chosen because they are warm, intelligent, well-trained, and able to help us live happier and more fulfilling lives. I think we are discovering, painfully, that Bob does not possess any of these qualities. He is an on-line conundrum- anonymous, unknown, cold, and at times dangerous to our well-being.
\
I find the site a safe place, or rather I once did. I once felt like I needed Babble like I did my therapy sessions. Sadly I no longer feel like it is the safest place anymore.
Posted by rskontos on June 14, 2009, at 0:28:00
In reply to Re: why this site can be so hurtful... » twinleaf, posted by rskontos on June 14, 2009, at 0:22:50
Posted by Amelia_in_StPaul on June 17, 2009, at 22:21:43
In reply to Re: why this site can be so hurtful..., posted by Tabitha on June 12, 2009, at 11:27:00
Wow, this is exactly what I was thinking. On what other board would the administrator, no owner, be expected to be warm, enthusiastic, in touch, and in a relationship with the people there? I can't think of a single other board I've been involved with that is like that. And it shouldn't be. Dr. Bob would be rolling the dough from all the bills he would send out if he were to be like a therapist to us. This is a peer support board. I am dumbfounded.
And, I don't know if people gossip or not, but wow, that would be weird. I mean, nobody here is really all that real to me. I don't use my real name. I have said things about my life, but there's no way anyone is going to figure out who I am out of the millions of people in my metro area. So I care, a lot, about people here, but there is a necessary and complete distance that separates me from anyone I am actually "talking" to. So that none of this affects my day to day life. I will leave before I let the unreality of a bulletin board become my actual reality.
> I'm baffled when folks find it hurtful that Dr Bob doesn't behave like a warm and wonderful therapist. Why should he? He's not a therapist, and that's not his role here.
>
> In life, people in authority or leadership aren't likely to be wise & warm therapist-like figures. Is your boss that way? Your accountant? Your family doctor? It's almost as odd to me as if someone reported they were emotionally damaged by the coldness of their stockbroker. If that happened, wouldn't it be time to look at your expectations and projections? So why such expectations of a research psychiatrist & website owner?
>
> I wouldn't even want Dr Bob to be such a wonderful figure. Then this place would become "the Dr Bob Show" instead of a peer group support board.
Posted by yxibow on June 18, 2009, at 12:07:00
In reply to Re: why this site can be so hurtful... » Tabitha, posted by Amelia_in_StPaul on June 17, 2009, at 22:21:43
I have had feelings of leaving the board too... I left twice for some weeks I think after blocks which I felt were truly mincing and over parsing words.
I now bend over backward to be so civil that I can't express what I really mean about certain alternative therapies, certain "faiths" which are strongly anti-psychiatry, and other matters which would at best get a f-word on your typical "underground" or site-associated place run typically with an a-hem, much better system of posting.
If you've ever looked at these web boards, usually some variant of v-bulletin or other software, they have the ability for moderators to delete posts (in a different way from here), individuals to edit or delete their own posts if they change their mind about what was said, and even add something to their original post.And also, a-hem, I know this is a research project and thus everything that someone ever said is on google, but that isn't the way most specialized boards are run. First of all crawling takes up bandwidth, and second of all privacy is wanted.
So only parts of the site ever get indexed, and they have a robots.txt file that (if crawlers follow the rules) mutes most of what is said so what someone said 5 years ago isn't still out there and can't be erased and still embarrasses the person.
And there is such a thing as not being able to respond to a "hurtful event" in 'real time'.People do have to conduct their lives off this board and its not realistic to expect an immediate return.
It may take several days to come back to the board, to find yourself blocked for 720 years.
I know of people I know that haven't gotten to my email in several weeks.
Just my 2c-- Jay
Posted by Amelia_in_StPaul on June 18, 2009, at 12:43:27
In reply to Re: why this site can be so hurtful..., posted by yxibow on June 18, 2009, at 12:07:00
You know, ironically, I experienced that in between the time I posted last and the time you posted this message. So it's time for me to take a break. Or remain doing as I have done, posting strictly about meds and alternatives and etc. The rest is not useful in my life.
> I have had feelings of leaving the board too... I left twice for some weeks I think after blocks which I felt were truly mincing and over parsing words.
Posted by SLS on June 18, 2009, at 12:50:37
In reply to Re: why this site can be so hurtful..., posted by yxibow on June 18, 2009, at 12:07:00
Hi Jay.
What's wrong with the way I am approaching things here on the threads below to try to get more people to participate in discussing the operation of the website and the rules of civility?
- Scott
Posted by SLS on June 18, 2009, at 12:53:49
In reply to Re: why this site can be so hurtful... » yxibow, posted by Amelia_in_StPaul on June 18, 2009, at 12:43:27
> You know, ironically, I experienced that in between the time I posted last and the time you posted this message. So it's time for me to take a break. Or remain doing as I have done, posting strictly about meds and alternatives and etc. The rest is not useful in my life.
>Do you have any interest in expressing your views in the threads below?
What do you find to be the most troublesome aspect of the rules of civility here?
Thanks.
- Scott
Posted by Amelia_in_StPaul on June 18, 2009, at 15:15:48
In reply to Re: why this site can be so hurtful... » Amelia_in_StPaul, posted by SLS on June 18, 2009, at 12:53:49
Hi Scott, thank you for your reply and invitation. I will think about this...gotta go for now/today. It's my birrrttthhhhday and I should get off the internetz.
> > You know, ironically, I experienced that in between the time I posted last and the time you posted this message. So it's time for me to take a break. Or remain doing as I have done, posting strictly about meds and alternatives and etc. The rest is not useful in my life.
> >
>
> Do you have any interest in expressing your views in the threads below?
>
> What do you find to be the most troublesome aspect of the rules of civility here?
>
> Thanks.
>
>
> - Scott
Posted by Phillipa on June 18, 2009, at 20:05:01
In reply to Re: why this site can be so hurtful... » SLS, posted by Amelia_in_StPaul on June 18, 2009, at 15:15:48
Happy Birthday Amelia hope it's a good one!!!!! Love Phillipa
Posted by Dr. Bob on June 25, 2009, at 12:23:20
In reply to Blocked » BabyToes, posted by Deputy Dinah on June 11, 2009, at 19:48:21
> I am leaving it to him to set block length, or reverse the block if he sees fit.
>
> Deputy DinahAccording to the formula:
duration of previous block: 14 weeks
period of time since previous block: 1 week
severity: 2 (default) + 1 (uncivil toward particular group) = 3
block length = 41 weeks> I remember that as an abused child, I wanted my mom to change, and I kept thinking she would see the light and do that. But I left home and will never come back because I have my own home now, a much safer place that doesn't have to wait for "slow change" or to "be the change you wish to see" because it isn't dysfunctional as this site. Dr. Bob is in the darkness of himself, you can't change him. I couldn't change my mom.
>
> BabyToesYour experience here sounds like your experience at home as a child. As if I were Dr. Mom. I hope you can free yourself from this chain of rigid authority figures,
Bob
Posted by Dr. Bob on June 25, 2009, at 14:15:51
In reply to Re: why this site can be so hurtful..., posted by yxibow on June 18, 2009, at 12:07:00
> I now bend over backward to be so civil that I can't express what I really mean about certain alternative therapies, certain "faiths" which are strongly anti-psychiatry, and other matters
Thanks for making civility a priority. I know it can mean limiting your freedom of speech.
> If you've ever looked at these [other] web boards, usually some variant of v-bulletin or other software, they have the ability for moderators to delete posts (in a different way from here), individuals to edit or delete their own posts if they change their mind about what was said, and even add something to their original post.
FYI, I've been thinking (again) about moving to different software. But it would be a huge project, and change is slow. So don't hold your breath.
> And also, a-hem, I know this is a research project and thus everything that someone ever said is on google, but that isn't the way most specialized boards are run. First of all crawling takes up bandwidth, and second of all privacy is wanted.
Just to clarify, this site isn't currently considered research. Also, bandwidth isn't an issue. Please do remember how private this is:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#privacy
Bob
Posted by yxibow on June 25, 2009, at 18:38:57
In reply to Re: block length » BabyToes, posted by Dr. Bob on June 25, 2009, at 12:23:20
> > I am leaving it to him to set block length, or reverse the block if he sees fit.
> >
> > Deputy Dinah
>
> According to the formula:
>
> duration of previous block: 14 weeks
> period of time since previous block: 1 week
> severity: 2 (default) + 1 (uncivil toward particular group) = 3
> block length = 41 weeks
I do still have the freedom to say, Dr. Bob, that's ridiculous. 80% of a year? Why not just then say never come back, because that's exactly what it is.I will put my neck out and say that no individual is going to care about the board any more if they can't post in this lifetime.
-- Jay
Posted by Dr. Bob on June 26, 2009, at 8:30:42
In reply to Re: block length » Dr. Bob, posted by yxibow on June 25, 2009, at 18:38:57
> I do still have the freedom to say, Dr. Bob, that's ridiculous. 80% of a year? Why not just then say never come back, because that's exactly what it is.
IMO, there's a big difference between 41 weeks, or even a year, and forever. No one's blocked forever here. After a block, a Babbler's always welcome back.
Bob
Posted by twinleaf on June 26, 2009, at 14:34:15
In reply to Re: block length, posted by Dr. Bob on June 26, 2009, at 8:30:42
I am very sad to see the length of the block you have given to Happyflower- and right in the middle of an extensive and thoughtful discussion (below) about the destructive effects of long blocks, the desirability of either no or very short blocks, and even more, the importance of giving posters an opportunity to work out their differences. Happyflower has been such an asset here, but she did not receive any of the benefit of our community's expressed feelings about what would be best for everyone. I am extremely disappointed in you. Bob. You expressed a formulaic statement about hoping she would overcome her traumatic childhood with her abusive mother, but you seem to have unwittingly put yourself "in loco parentis"- YOU are now rejecting and hurting her. If you think she can return after these long blocks, and feel as she once did- free to share her feelings, to trust others, and to work with others towards understanding herself and helping others understand themselves. you are mistaken. These long blocks have traumatized her, not, hopefully, for everywhere, but almost certainly definitely and permanently for Psychobabble. Why do such a destructive thing?
An addendum: calculus is easy for me, but I have never been able to figure our how you do the arithmetic for the blocks you give out.
Posted by gobbledygook on June 26, 2009, at 16:52:27
In reply to Re: block length, posted by twinleaf on June 26, 2009, at 14:34:15
(((Twinleaf)))
Please PM me when you have some time.
It would be very helpful for me to process...with you.Thinking of you,
Ava
Posted by Zeba on June 27, 2009, at 0:25:13
In reply to Re: block length » BabyToes, posted by Dr. Bob on June 25, 2009, at 12:23:20
Anything more than 30 days is grossly excessive and punitive. This is why I and others view Babble as hurtful and not at all helpful. Before blocks were subjective, and that almost seems preferable to what is now. No one ever got blocked for such long periods of time. This seems to fit the definition of "cruel and unusual punishment." I am wondering when the "death penalty" kicks in.
Posted by Deneb on June 27, 2009, at 0:32:00
In reply to Re: block length » Dr. Bob, posted by Zeba on June 27, 2009, at 0:25:13
I think the formula for determining blocks now is much better than the rule before. Before your block was doubled, no matter how long you've been good. So lets say you got a block of 4 weeks before and you were civil for 3 years before making a mistake and being uncivil, your block would be 8 weeks.
Now the formula takes into consideration how long you've been without a block so you can bring your block length down to one week again after you've been good for a certain amount of time which depends on how long your block was previously.
This new system rewards people for being civil, unlike the last system. I like this one a lot better.
Posted by twinleaf on June 27, 2009, at 14:23:42
In reply to Re: block length » twinleaf, posted by gobbledygook on June 26, 2009, at 16:52:27
Hi, Ava. I certainly will. Right now I am in Switzerland walking in the mountains with my husband, and photographing wildflowers with the amazing new digital photography- we have only limited internet access. But thanks for your message- I won't forget.
Twinleaf
Posted by yxibow on June 28, 2009, at 4:01:57
In reply to Re: block length, posted by Dr. Bob on June 26, 2009, at 8:30:42
> > I do still have the freedom to say, Dr. Bob, that's ridiculous. 80% of a year? Why not just then say never come back, because that's exactly what it is.
>
> IMO, there's a big difference between 41 weeks, or even a year, and forever. No one's blocked forever here. After a block, a Babbler's always welcome back.
I have no further words, Bob...I have liked to help people on this site, I get satisfaction from imparting from what I have learned on a journey of an "orphan illness"...
(I have yet to encounter anyone on this board with a somatoform disorder of this magnitude..)
...but I can't countenance blocks of a year.
We live in the Here and Now, and a year is but a short while in this wondrous and unexplainable thing called life.
So it is in my opinion really telling someone to go the [put in your favourite 4+ letter word] away.
I've lost nearly 10 years of time with various things in my life including this 7+ year disorder and I wouldn't wait around to come back after a year.
I don't see the point in "blocks" for more than a week or two.It's also unrealistic to expect someone to "apologize" before being "sent to the corner" in instant time.
People have lives they have to lead outside of P-babble and its not possible to be here 24/7, and there are people in other time zones, with knowledge of the English language which may confuse them, etc.
And yes, I've said some things I regret, which of course are fully able to be googlized, which I don't like, but that is the model that you structured this patient (consumer) to consumer self-help site.
And I've been blocked for what I characterize as less than necessary for a week. I didn't return for many months.
So that is my opinion, and my words alone, which I believe are civil as well.
-- Jay
Posted by Dr. Bob on June 29, 2009, at 10:55:09
In reply to Re: block length » Dr. Bob, posted by yxibow on June 28, 2009, at 4:01:57
> I am very sad to see the length of the block you have given to Happyflower ... You expressed a formulaic statement about hoping she would overcome her traumatic childhood with her abusive mother, but you seem to have unwittingly put yourself "in loco parentis"- YOU are now rejecting and hurting her.
I'm just enforcing the guidelines here. I was sad that this community wasn't able to help her avoid another block. I do hope she overcomes her abusive experiences. It may help if she can avoid more rejection and hurt right here.
> calculus is easy for me, but I have never been able to figure our how you do the arithmetic for the blocks you give out.
>
> twinleafHere's the formula and a form that does the calculations for you:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#enforce
--
> it is in my opinion really telling someone to go the [put in your favourite 4+ letter word] away.
>
> I've lost nearly 10 years of time with various things in my life including this 7+ year disorder and I wouldn't wait around to come back after a year.
>
> It's also unrealistic to expect someone to "apologize" before being "sent to the corner" in instant time.
>
> -- JayIt's like telling someone to go to their cabin to cool down. Sometimes for longer, sometimes for shorter. After which they're always welcome back. Not everyone does come back if it's for a year, but some do.
The guideline is to be civil, not to apologize instantly when uncivil.
Besides, in this case, she wasn't blocked instantly. She kept posting, and others kept posting to her, before she was blocked. Again, I'm sad that during that time this community wasn't able to help her avoid that block.
Bob
Posted by BayLeaf on June 29, 2009, at 18:42:00
In reply to Re: block avoidance, posted by Dr. Bob on June 29, 2009, at 10:55:09
"I'm just enforcing the guidelines here. I was sad that this community wasn't able to help her avoid another block..... - Bob"
SERIOUSLY?? Just enforcing? Enforcing what? You WROTE the guidelines.
Those words sound as if you want to avoid the responsibility for her block. Of course, she is responsible for her behavior...but you are the one who wrote the rules.
She is blocked because her behavior violated YOUR rules.
Your new kick is to blame "the community". You are just trying to shift blame, imho.
bay
Posted by Zeba on June 29, 2009, at 22:29:04
In reply to Re: block avoidance » Dr. Bob, posted by BayLeaf on June 29, 2009, at 18:42:00
Ditto;
this is Dr. Bob's site, his rules, and he is the only one (and deputies) who can determine how long to block someone. This is why many therapist think this is an abusive site. I understand full well now. When one shifts responsibilty from self to others, especially a doctor, then I have to wonder what in the world.
Posted by twinleaf on June 30, 2009, at 4:31:42
In reply to Re: block avoidance, posted by Dr. Bob on June 29, 2009, at 10:55:09
I did not see posts aimed at Happyflower to encourage her to make amends. Also, the person she might have made amends TO was never identifiied.
She simply went on expressing the ways in which she had been hurt by this site while waiting for you to return and give her a very long block, which you did..It seems as though your rules. even though you made them, have become like the Ten Commandments. You yourself now have to follow them slavishly. Even though there is a very thoughtful discussion (below) about the desirability of shorter blocks and helping people settle their differences, you have not given your opinion on that thread. Several posters there have emphasized the emotional damage which can occur with long, escalating blocks- as well as he near impossibility of those posters regaining a trusting, useful position here. Not one person supported long or escalating blocks.Why cant you take some of these thoughtful comments and opinions into your consideration- not to necessarily make any changes now, but just to allow them to be part of a developing discussion, and maybe to enable you to depart, in individual cases, from the extremely rigid rules you appear to have become enslaved by?
Based on the discussion below, posters who are part of this community would like to see:
1. Short blocks only of a week or two. No long or escalating blocks. I think we all know that, rarely, someone will start posting here with ongoing destructive intentions. Those people should be blocked permanently.
2. Encouragement and time for posters to settle their differences, when those arise. They should not be told what to say or do by the administrators, but treated with sufficient respect that they know best what they each need, and will work hard to achieve it.
3. A recognition by the administration that this forum and the people in it, become emotionally important to many posters. Long blocks are equivalent to being kicked out of a group of friends whom one very much wants to stay with.It can be an extremely painful and harmful experience. Knowing this, I think all actions, such as blocks, should be carefully weighed against a humane evaluation of the strengths, weaknesses and present personal stresses which an individual has.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 30, 2009, at 5:08:35
In reply to Re: block avoidance » Dr. Bob, posted by BayLeaf on June 29, 2009, at 18:42:00
> "I'm just enforcing the guidelines here. I was sad that this community wasn't able to help her avoid another block..... - Bob"
>
> SERIOUSLY?? Just enforcing? Enforcing what? You WROTE the guidelines.
>
> Those words sound as if you want to avoid the responsibility for her block. Of course, she is responsible for her behavior...but you are the one who wrote the rules.
>
> She is blocked because her behavior violated YOUR rules.
>
> Your new kick is to blame "the community". You are just trying to shift blame, imho.
>
> bayI agree.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 30, 2009, at 5:27:14
In reply to Re: block avoidance, posted by alexandra_k on June 30, 2009, at 5:08:35
> > "I'm just enforcing the guidelines here. I was sad that this community wasn't able to help her avoid another block..... - Bob"
In fact I find this suggestion positively malignant insofar as it suggests that the community failed her by not doing enough to 'help her avoid'.
Rather than focusing on how you failed her in setting up your stupid f*ck*ng rules and incomprehensible blocking system.
As always the truth probably lies somewhere in the middle.
Oh f*ck*ng happy day when you finally choose to acknowledge your role in it all and at least meet us half way.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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