Posted by WhyandHow on November 17, 2006, at 16:09:35 [reposted on November 17, 2006, at 23:11:52 | original URL]
The short version (long version posted next):
40 year old student (doing well) with a history of addictions. Been abusing Xanix over the last few months and using Ambien. I was to the point where I could have been off it a couple times over the last 2 months without too much more misery but I didn't. I was up to about 3 milligrams per day/night - physical dependence has for sure set in. I am on day 4 and trying to avoid going to get his last 6 bars. It would feel so much better to get them and make things easier if I just did some small amounts and tapered off but then I am almost done with day 3 if I get through this night. I ran out of Ambien, can get no more, and got 10 Lunesta's to help me with sleep during withdraw but it is not nearly as helpful as Ambien except that it lasts longer. It has bad side effects but none the less I took one tonight. I should be going to get more "bars" but I might say I had to work late and see how I make it into tomorrow. Any advice? No doctors invoved here. Yes, one should be but I don't have one. They would not prescribe anything anyway. I just hope I don't have to suffer much longer. My long version is posted next.
I have been on probation for growing pot plants. It has been the worst influence of my life since they test me for pot but not all these dangerous drugs....benzoids in particular right now. I can't smoke pot which was relatively harmless and treated my depression anxiety perfectly so I eventually justified other things BIG MISTAKE! About 14 months ago I went through hell trusting myself for about 2 months with heavy Clonozopam. Then, this last summer I was stupid enough to let the lowest life person I have ever known convince me to try Adderall - it seemed so innocent and harmless at first, increasing mood, ability, focus, etc but within a couple months i was in deep - MIXING IT WITH XANAX to control effect. I was snorting up to 200mg or so at the end THEN I went through hell - I thought it was mostly all the speed but when the misery went on to day 6 I now suspect benzoids. I totally eliminated contact with the person, changed phone number and all. ANYWAY, after my ONE and ONLY ever relapse shortly after with dexadrine that my Xanax source suddenly had, I used Xanax to keep me sane - checked myself into the hospital on day 6 saying I was suicidal (so they would admit me). They didn't do anything except send me on my way the next day. I started being my own doctor and justifying uses for Xanax, under estimating how it compared to other benzoids (the strength per amount). I just finished a research paper for my General Psychology class on prescription drug addiction. Much of its rough draft was done while on these meds or when coming off them. So, I have been doing Xanix on and off (more on than off) for about 4 or 5 months now. I had a couple little times when I could have actually been off them without too much more misery but I used that fact to live on the edge a while longer until I was for sure into PHYSICAL ADDICTION. Ambien was a great thing for relieving my stress at the end of the day/night the first night off the Xanix but that was the last I had of it (with no more to be had - I got it from the same person the xanix comes from - an hour drive away. Last night, day 2, was very miserable - I was shaking early in the day etc - didn't think I would make it without at least something to sleep so I called up this guy and he had a few Lunesta's from way back (he didn't like them). I so much wanted more Xanax to put me out of my misery but Ai know I need to get off it. I drove up there and got just the Lunesta's. I took a double dose and it helped me sleep intermittently but had horrible side effects (headache, hangover, etc). Today, day 3, I felt like **** - still a little shaky very stressed. I could tell my blood pressure or something has been high lately among other things (and a fever??). I didn't think I could possibly function at work tonight (part time job - am in school fulltime at 40 and doing well) BUT I did NOT want to call in sick after having done that a couple times this last summer and such - they have been good to me because of a couple positive things I helped the company with when it started - I should have been fired by the end of summer. I found out they were short people and I went in 5 hours early forcing myself to work, feeling like **** - at least I would get off 5 hours early. I just got off and had it all set to go get the last 6 bars (2mg each - can break them) to take small amounts and taper down over the next few days and relieve my misery. I was expected to be making the hour long drive up there right now but the thing is if I can get through tonight that will have been 3 days without Xanix - shouldn't it get better? Or would I be better off letting myself do some small amounts and taper off with his last 6 bars? I took a Lunesta tonight and think I should try to see how much better i am tomorrow. I can always tell him I had to work late or whatever and go tomorrow. I am doing well in school, getting A's, and really want to make something of the rest of my life at 40 so I need to throw away addictions! I don't feel I have anyone to talk to that would not look down on me so much from past things. I have sooo many good qualities - the one downfall is the addiction issue. My mother and father (both very dysfunctional in their own ways) are dead. I don't have any family. My one good friend is in another city and for the first time AI don't even feel like I can talk to him.
poster:WhyandHow
thread:704749
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/wdrawl/20061010/msgs/704749.html