Posted by Caper on July 8, 2004, at 2:13:32
In reply to WOW! this is a scary room!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, posted by lorily on July 2, 2004, at 14:29:09
Hi lorily,
First I wanted to say don't worry about bursting _my_ bubble. I know I _need_ to hear this sort of thing. I need to face up to what I'm doing to my family, myself, my health, my career-- my whole life.I had a little bit of hard truth just two days ago. I'm the single mother of a ten year old boy, who is the best thing that ever came into my life. I love my child so much, he's the reason I'm still alive and I mean that literally. There aren't words enough to describe how much I love him and how lucky I am to have him. And he loves me a lot too so I know I need to get better for him as well as myself.
Anyway, I had visitors over the 4th of July weekend, a teenage cousin and his friend. And in just making conversation I asked what the friend's father did for a living. The answer was "He's dead. He was an alcoholic and he committed suicide when I was ten years old." I felt sick inside, hearing that, because just last February I made a serious attempt at suicide myself, to my eternal shame.
Of course I apologized to my cousin's friend for bringing up bad memories, but then...I started crying. Both my cousin and his friend know I've been alcoholic for somewhere between a year and year and half. So my cousin asks the friend "why'd you tell her that?" And I said "no no no--it's good for me to hear this even if it hurts."
So seeing the pain in a teenager's eyes (even though he did not get overtly emotional) and knowing that the same look could be (will be) in my son's eyes in the near future if I don't get sober cut me like a knife, it made me feel like someone was squeezing my heart, it made me feel so guilty. But I needed to hear it so I can't kid myself that I'm not harming anyone other than myself with my addiction. That young man's trauma and your post both hurt so much-- but I needed to hear/read them.
I think as an alcoholic I stuffed my feelings so far down, I buried everything painful with alcohol, which is how I ended up in this mess. I need things that force me to allow myself to _feel_ again. Does that make sense?
I was helped by your post lorily. My philosophy here is that as long as we post to help or vent our feelings, or seek information, it's a good post.
Yours made me cry, but I needed it. Please keep posting. You're honest, you've "been there", you're sober and it seems to me you really want to help. I'd be grateful to hear details of your recovery if you want to tell more. But even if you don't, you've already helped me.
I always used to tell myself I didn't have "denial". I knew very quickly I was an alcoholic, but I've recently decided there's more than one type of denial. I denied that I was hurting anyone but myself because no one knew I drank. But it made me close myself off from my family because the drinks were becoming the focus of my life. I couldn't take my child to the movies/beach/pool because I knew I wasn't sober and was afraid to drive...things like that.
Congratulations on your sobriety. You give me hope. I don't want this life and I'm going to beat this, so I need all the positive inspiration I can get.
Thanks for the post and best wishes on your continuing recovery.
Caper
P.S. Sorry to everyone who reads this that it is such a rambling post. Hope I made some sense to someone. Good night.
> I say this because I am an alcoholic in recovery clean for 1 and 1/2 years. I first went to a rehab in June of 1995.
> Many of you sound very familiar to myself in those denial days. Including not agreeing with those AA people all the way. Well, the only thing that worked for me was honestly addressing my depression issue, agreeing to take medication and getting a clear head enough to honestly work the program as outlined in the book Alcoholics Anonymous. I'd been to many many many meetings over the years but didn't hear or comprehend a thing until I REALLY admitted I was an alcoholic and if I wanted to live, I could NEVER drink again. Sure, I have the choice to drink but it's a choice. Today I don't HAVE to drink to exist.
> Non-alcoholic beer DOES HAVE ALCOHOL. BENZZOS are addictive and just a substitute for alcohol. Some people use marijuana, sex, other drugs et cetera. It's a substitute.
> Alcoholism is a disease. There is no cure. You are alcoholic for the rest of your life.
> I do however know lots of people who figured out they COULD drink successfully. I can't ask them how though because they are all resting in peace. Most of them died horrible, painful, evil deaths. And the sad part is they didn't have to.
> Yes, it's sooooooooooooo hard to stop. I know, I tried for many years. I used to think God had me here so others trying to get sober would see me failing time and time again and how low I would sink and I was just here so they would see how bad it gets and they wouldn't pick up that drink.
>
> And no, you should not detox yourself off 1.5 liters a day cold turkey without being in a hospital. My heart goes out to each one of you. I'm sorry if I burst anyone's bubble, but this is a life or death matter. Stop and get help to stay stopped. AA can be found in your phone book, on-line, in the newspaper, your church (which is where the meetings usually are) anywhere.
> One day at a time.
poster:Caper
thread:362631
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20040604/msgs/363930.html