Posted by Annabelle Smith on November 1, 2010, at 18:24:42
In reply to Re: please help » Annabelle Smith, posted by Dinah on November 1, 2010, at 15:45:32
Thanks, Dinah.
I want more than anything, anything, anything just for someone to really know what is going on. I long to communicate this to my therapist, but I have this thing where I always tend to say things indirectly and hope that people will interpret the clues correctly and understand what I really want to say.
So in therapy I do tell my therapist how I really feel in that I generally say that I feel trapped and need a way out, and that I feel this way every day, often very strongly many times each day. What I want him to interpret from this and what I really want to say is that I think about suicide all of the time and have for many months now-- ways to do it, consequences of doing it, fears and ambivalences towards it. I want to share this with him and not be alone in this.
I say that I feel angry sometimes, but what I don't tell him is that I often feel such rage that I scratch my arms until they stay streaked for days to release what is inside. I tell him that I feel very attached to him, but what I don't say is that I am totally obsessed-- that I can't stand to be apart from him, that I feel like he is God and feel so safe and protected with him, that I sometimes have to listen to his saved voicemails in my phone to hear his voice and know that he is still there and that he still cares.
I tell him that I don't know how to ask for help or communicate the chaos to anyone; what I don't tell him is that I often feel as though the only way to get anyone's attention and to make them believe me that something is not OK-- instead of people just telling me like my mom and others have done that nothing is wrong or that it's just depression or anxiety and that everyone feels this way and that I'm fine-- is to do something that might not end in death, but that would end in the hospital. I haven't done this yet, but it's not like I don't think about it every day.
This is what I want to say to him, but my biggest fear aside from his withdrawal in disgust and overwhelming need is that he will not beleive me. Just like everybody else, I'm afraid he will also tell me that I am fine and that nothing is really going on. He is the only person that I can be honest with, and I am so afraid to be honest. I think that is why I cherish so deeply my deep secrets and hold on to them so strongly-- it's why I speak indirectly, because to speak directly cheapens everything. Your deepest truth and most precious and painful core may be thrown out and trampled on.
Sometimes, I think I just know too much of what is actually going on. I have researched a lot and am actually taking a course at my university now on psychoanalytic theory and religion. My professor is a pastoral counselor and knows my therapist well. In class, I am learning and interacting as a clinician; in therapy, I am a patient; in real life, I don't know what the hell I am-- both? neither? a chaotic contradiction?
I know much more than my therapist thinks I do; so much so, that I fear I can manipulate without wanting or meaning to.It's all so confusing and messed up.
poster:Annabelle Smith
thread:966528
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20101023/msgs/967963.html