Posted by Verloren on July 2, 2010, at 14:28:13
In reply to Re: 'You're Harmful!' » Verloren, posted by Dinah on July 2, 2010, at 8:01:04
*sigh*
They make me feel bad too.
I like thinking she says these things to protect me. ( oh but then where goes my mind?) Then my happy mind says, she's protecting me from potential pain, just like a good parent should protect me. (vicious circle in my head) :-)
I was thinking lately that she was feeling uneasy around me. that maybe I had revealed too much and now I disgusted her. I guess part of me feels like her bringing up the boundaries was the same as her saying "ewwww, you foul girl, I do NOT EVEN want to be considered your mom or anyone remotely related to you. EWWWWWWWW! You sicko! You are not, nor will you EVER be my child. My daughter would not be as effed up as you are. And there's no possible way I can even attempt to fix you. But good luck with thinking that anyway. Oh and that'll be $100. Thanks"
I guess that's why I'm really hurt. I guess that's my own insecurities speaking and constantly thinking she's judging me, or annoyed, or repulsed by me. And then I think, wow I'm so impressed with her so far, what if I don't deserve her. What if I ruin everything with my mistrust, doubt and overall weirdness. What if I'm mean to her because I need to lash out and she hates me for that.
Yeah, I'm getting to a weird place lately. Not a good place but it's not the spiral I was in. I don't know.
Thanks for your insight Dinah. It helps with the hurt and I'm always fond of reading your responses.
-Very Verloren
poster:Verloren
thread:952821
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20100529/msgs/952971.html