Posted by Verloren on January 11, 2010, at 17:01:40
My moods have been down lately so please forgive the numerous postings. I just need to reach out to you guys.
I was happy once. Im sure of it. Despite my fragmented memory and suppression practices, I have glimmers of moments when life was carefree. What happened??!?!?
I think the therapy has surfaced more memories than I can deal with right now, but Im not left with a choice. I cant put the memories back in my swiss cheese holes, or unfeel the pain anymore than a chef can uncook an egg.
I am sick to my stomach lately and although I am generously full of humor and charm, the despair and agitation of my life seems to be vigorously sweeping over me. I tend to be one of those instant gratification people. I impulse buy, eat what I want in abundance, and get upset when things dont go my way. Essentially, Im a five year old. And I want to feel better RIGHT now. Happiness: I want to beg for it, buy it, borrow it, even steal it if it meant I could have it.
I almost feel like I was making it ok before the therapy and now I wonder if Ill actually make it out of this better than before I went in. And how long? How long will be miserable?
I dont want to live like this. I dont want to die like this either. Im stuck. Im wallowing. Every moment alone threatens to send me into tears. Im struggling and I just want to understand and know happiness. Everyday I feel like Im 2 halves at war with each other. The Rational half vs the Emotional half. I KNOW I must get through this period, but I FEEL like it will never end.
Im barely crawling my way to comfortable, Im nowhere near happy now.
-Verloren
poster:Verloren
thread:933274
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20091212/msgs/933274.html