Posted by lucie lu on February 9, 2009, at 12:35:40
I misjudged my appointment time today by 15 minutes. It was not our usual time, and I just messed up. The irony is that I had actually arrived early (I thought) and spent that 15 minutes outside sitting in the car. I realized my mistake as soon as I got to the office. We talked about things discussed over the weekend on Babble - abandonment, attachment, wanting to feel special. We talked about the metaphor of the rose and the prince and how I have finally grown enough to feel secure in our relationship. But somehow things were off. I felt I was mouthing the words but was really somewhere else, and our sentences were leading to dead ends. The last session had been one of exceptional closeness, so I was disappointed. Then we had to stop since it was a shortened session. I was irritated at both of us me of course for screwing up, and him for not calling me sooner to see where I was. Then I left. I was reasonably adult about the whole thing.
As I walked to my car, the tears started coming. Now I felt inconsolable. My feelings emerged chaotic and intense, from a small childs fury to the gut-punch pain of an unexpected loss. And far from what wed talked about in session, I wanted to put as much distance as possible between me and any future opportunity to be so vulnerable. I wanted to cancel the next x number of sessions, leave town, take a vacation, anything other than return and confront any of this again. As for our work together, I felt like tearing up my metaphorical notebook and throwing the pieces up in the air. Everything we had been talking about seemed like tea-party chatter in comparison to these raw, primal, powerful feelings. I wanted to shout Everything I said was all crap. This is how I really feel. Are you happy now? Are you happy to see me reduced to this howling thing?
Being in therapy can really suck and that never seems to change.
poster:lucie lu
thread:879103
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090129/msgs/879103.html