Posted by Sharon7 on February 6, 2009, at 23:34:42
In reply to Re: If my Therapist doesn't call......, posted by wittgensteinz on February 6, 2009, at 7:25:35
Hi Witti! Nice to talk to you again. I'm sorry you had to grow up with a dysfunctional (doesn't that just make it sound so sanitized?) Mother. You know what? I was never blessed with children and I always wanted them. Even though I too was severely neglected and abused, of course it crossed my mind "what if I can't be a mother like my mom couldn't?" a couple of times. I always felt that if I had a baby I would be SOOOO nurturing to him/her. This child w/b the most well-adjusted, confident, curious, happy, smart, secure kid in the world. I thought by having a child, I could be that Mother I always fantacized of having by being that to my child. I honestly think if anything, at least in my case, the severity of my neglect probably would have insured a child who never lacked for anything: emotional or physical. Know what I mean? I know there's more than one school of thought on that. Have you discussed your concerns about this with your therapist?
> My mother is still there but doesn't have the same power over me IRL as she did, yet this internalised mother still reigns supreme.
When she did have the power over you, what form did that take? And as the internalized mother now, what does she do? Just like say things that are critical and mean or is it something else. (only if you're comfortable discussing it of course! I'm just one of those people that likes details I guess.
> Anyway, enough about mothers :)
lol. Okay. For now. (o:
> You asked me about my e-mail to my T: "Did yours give you reason to believe he was feeling that way towards you?" No, not especially - like you said, it's just how I 'felt' or 'assumed' he must feel about me.
Yeah. You must have fears similar as mine at the thought of losing your T.
> I may be way off but could it be that you got some kind of reassurance out of making your T raise her voice because she then fitted what you expected of a mother-figure? Somehow, your attempt to repeat what you had already experienced?
You know what? I think you may have hit the nail on the head at least about the first part "because she then fitted what you expected of a mother-figure?" I think that is true. But as for "Somehow, your attempt to repeat what you had already experienced?" I think you're very close, but it would not be to repeat what I had already experienced, but what I never did experience. My mother did not treat me like a mother, so she never corrected or scolded me. I was pretty much ignored. Watched a lot of TV! I also wonder if part of it is, the fact that it does not upset me or make me mad is proof to myself (and maybe to her, too?) that I am secure enough in the relationship to where she can take that tone with me if she needs to and I won't take it personally, but I'll think she cares and it trying to teach me better behavior. (It really screwed me up not being parented, let me tell you!) I guess that's fairly obvious! Thank you for analyzing that. You were not way off at all!
> My T's comment about not abandoning me was said recently - a couple of weeks ago - it did feel reassuring.
Mine can be pretty tight lipped. She often doesn't respond at all to things I say and I wonder why sometimes. I can't say she has never said she won't abandon me cuz she has, but I guess maybe I/we can never hear it enough, huh? Even when I last saw her and it didn't go well I did hear her say "I'm not going anywhere. I'm not firing you.." but she was saying that because that's usually stuff I'd say to her (in a letter) after one of those episodes. But she still did say it.
> I should say he has a strict no-suicide policy and if I would do anything like that (again) that would be it, so there is an exception - although he insists that if I would do that then that would be my choice to abandon him and not vice versa (hmm rhetoric!).
Hey, I like that reverse psychology! That was a pretty good response: that then you'd be abandoning him.. If mine had said that me me, i would have disolved into a heap of mush lol. Well, I'm with him, and my T, too. She just said that if I ever gave her any indication I was going to harm myself, she would be obligated to have me admitted to the hospital.
> I just saw him today and it was nice - the last few sessions I've felt a reluctance to go. I've left the house almost too late to catch the train. He asked why and I didn't really know. I said I felt a distance between us. I also said I felt angry with the world, including him - which is something I haven't admitted directly before now. Having a rant about lots of silly little things and frustrations that accumulate into big things was lifting. So by the end that distance was bridged and I feel better.
Oh good, witti! I'm glad to hear you had a good session today and feel like that distance you were feeling has been bridged. I'm so glad you feel better. And really glad you didn't miss the train!
>
> Sorry I'm blabbering on!Don't apologize, silly. (I always say that too, though, 'cept I really AM blabbering when I say it!) lol! (did I hear an 'Amen' out there?) I find this interesting and I am discovering just how powerful sharing some of this mess can be! When you know you are not going to be judged.
I hope you have a good weekend. Take care now.
Sharon (o:
poster:Sharon7
thread:878066
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090129/msgs/878658.html