Posted by Nadezda on December 4, 2008, at 10:23:44
In reply to Re: morbid thoughts trigger, posted by obsidian on December 3, 2008, at 23:04:38
I think your T cares-- he's just probably worried about you and wants to shake you into taking better care of yourself and warn you that you're on a dangerous path, and you need to wake up and not let yourself go down it, in a sort of state of "what the hell" unthinkingness.
(PS those are speculations, but my T is sort of doing the same thing-- not well)
I have this feeling that you know reading about suicide is indulging some dark side of you-- and putting yourself into a zone where it gets harder and harder to get out, and the hope gets less visible. I'm worried about you, too. Maybe you need to "get a grip" as they say and force yourself not to give into to some of these impulses to let the destructive and hopeless side out.
It's like in dbt-- when you say to yourself silent--"this is a disaster" you feel worse-- and if you keep saying it, you can get yourself to feel awful. If you say (in the mode of whistling a happy tune-- a mode that's never appealed to me), "I can repair this" "this isn't the end of the situation" or tomorrow I'll do better"--- you feel more hopeful. And that's just a very simplistic version of how you can really lure yourself away from despair, and towards a little more optimisim-- which can give you the strength to hold out one more day without the marijuana, etc.
Your T is asking you--do you really want to do this to yourself? and challenging you to dig in, and start to work against this.
I know holidays can be the worst time of year-- and it is dark here, really early-- and getting cold, and even if it isn't too bad yet, you can tell winter is coming on. But maybe you can think of something about winter that you like-- and just repeat it to yourself whenever you have a bad thought about the dark.
I'm not saying that gets to the deeper problem--you need to try to find a way of not giving in on a deeper level. But maybe a dbt group would be good.
Have you ever tried AICT-- it's in manhattan on 57th street and Lexington-- American Institute of Cog Therapy. They have a fairly good dbt group, on Tuesdays and Thursdays. And some other groups, too, I think in meditation. You could call them.
I only suggest them because they've helped me some-- and if I would only put more into it-- I could get a lot more out of it. They're reputable.
Or even one of those light boxes-- maybe that would help?
And try not to read about suicide. It's going to make things much worse-- even if it's strangely soothing, in the moment. (Sorry to be so full of suggestions-- but these little mechanical things make a difference-- and can close a door, or open one.)
Nadezda
poster:Nadezda
thread:866537
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081120/msgs/866631.html