Posted by Dinah on November 16, 2008, at 13:36:27
It's hard to believe that not so long ago I was feeling like I could easily cut back on therapy. That I didn't need my therapist at all.
And now I'm as dependent as I ever was.
I spent all last session asking him for reassurances in a way I hadn't done for a long time. He patiently reassured me that no, I didn't annoy him with this. No, I wasn't a bad client because of that. And he thought about each statement too, in a way that always reassures me.
He didn't ask me what was going on, but at the end I realized what I was doing. I feel like such a failure on so many aspects of my life right now that I was asking for reassurance that I wasn't a failure as a client.
My bosses are mad at me, there's tons of pressure at work. I'm trying my best to accept that I really do have trouble with timeliness, and try to come up with ways to do better. But also accept that I've been trying for years with little success.
The best I've come up with is that there are ways I'm great as an employee, and ways I'm not so good. My father as my boss balanced the two and got the most from me. Everyone was pleased with me and everyone was happy. Most of all me, because my personal weakness (as opposed to my weaknesses as an employee) is that I like to do things I feel I do well. And I tend to avoid those things I don't feel confident about.
I've tried to talk to them about the things I need as an employee to maximize my strengths and minimize my weaknesses. But they are frank that they think I'm asking too much from them and they aren't willing to do the things my father was willing to do. They don't want to have to deal with the things I deal with every day. Having multiple bosses and multiple demands on my time. I'm lousy at that. I tend to appease those who yell the loudest, and try to please everyone, and think I can do everything if I just try hard enough. I don't tend to tell my bosses about the difficulties that are coming up. I need someone to be the funnel. To handle the multiple demands and give me a clear schedule of what to do next, without loading me with the rest of it. They aren't willing to do that, because they don't want to have to deal with the difficulties of making each other angry. Only one boss is willing to do it, and he's the one I simply could not possibly have fill that role without totally breaking down.
I'm trying to make what changes I can. I'm cc'ing my bosses on every email now, particularly the ones that would explain why I'm not completing things because I don't have the information I need. I'm also trying to email rather than call so the requests are more visible. I'm hoping they'll follow up as necessary because I'm not great at followup. I tend to think that people have my requests, they'll get to it when they can.
I'm trying to be more open with them about the various things I need to do, and trying to get them to tell me what priority I should place on them. I'm lousy at prioritizing too. Who's angriest? There's the priority.
They strongly imply that other employees don't need this. Maybe they're right although no other employees answer to as many people as I do. But isn't it better for them to try to provide what I need? Even if other employees don't need it? I'm very very good at what I am good at. I and they were thrilled with my work for so long, because I didn't have to try to compensate for these weaknesses on my own. Whatever they might dream of as an employee, isn't it best to do what's needed so I can go back to being the exemplary employee I once was?
And of course I also feel like I'm failing at home because I've been so busy at work. Housework is falling behind. Another case of prioritizing not done well.
I don't like not being a good girl. I don't like not doing well. I really don't like failing. I was the kid who sobbed if she got a B. I'm getting worse than a B now in life.
I've tried to handle it all on my own. I've tried to improve those areas that need improving. Obviously I have failed.
I too cried in front of my husband the other day. Or at least teared up. Something I almost never do. He's being really nice right now. But that won't last. He's someone who is tough on himself, has a strong belief that you do what you need to do. Period. He's going to go back to being angry with me again soon.
I'm not sleeping well at night, and getting up in the wee early hours and deciding to work then. Which cuts down on my productivity later, so I'm probably not gaining anything. I'm starting to have really bad thoughts and obsessions and urges. I think I'm going to have to take Risperdal for a while, and I worry because taking it more than once or twice tends to slow down my productivity too.
poster:Dinah
thread:863382
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081104/msgs/863382.html