Posted by Wittgensteinz on October 29, 2008, at 18:42:41
In reply to Re: Rupture in therapy (long) » Wittgensteinz, posted by twinleaf on October 29, 2008, at 12:42:31
Twinleaf, thank you for your strong reply. These replies have really helped me - it's a great support to have the views of others who know the inner workings of this sort of therapy.
Perhaps the amount of trust there was - especially his trust toward me - is part of the problem. My OD came as a great shock to him. He did not expect it - it came as a "cold shower". I had said I felt suicidal when I saw him the day before it happened but for some reason I am unable to convey to him how serious things are when they are - perhaps he doesn't want to to hear this. It wasn't a cry for help. It was however an act of compulsion rather than a carefully calculated thing.
You've written about how you and your analyst work on ruptures. How sensitive and perceptive he is to the very smallest cracks appearing in the blanket of trust. How you are able to talk about things in that moment before they become something consuming. I think this is a real gift in a therapist - and also a gift in a patient to be able to succeed in this.
I have always asked him if he is angry with me - perhaps my favourite question (!) and his answer has always been no, but lately I don't trust him as much. He said, and again somewhat sharply, the other session "Your thinking I am angry with you is just another of your fantasies" - which to me confirmed my very fear!
I really really want things to be repaired. I really hope he can say what I feel.. *know*? to exist in the room but which he denies. I'd rather him say "yes I am angry with you for x,y,z" than feel his anger through his coldness and then have him deny it. It won't be easy to hear it, but then there is a way forward at least. I would be the first to admit how selfish I have been and how likely the action is to have had effects on those that care about me.
Many thanks again for your reply.
Witti
poster:Wittgensteinz
thread:859655
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081018/msgs/859789.html