Posted by rskontos on October 7, 2007, at 20:15:25
Well I had my first therapy session Sat with the one that I thought had dumped me. I did it because my friend encouraged me not to give up. Many of you had too......my doc friend told me she had a great deal of experience with my type of issues. And she was right.
This T has had several of patients with DID. The more we talked the more it became clear that is definitely me. My neuro appt on Fri. revealed that according to the neuro the partials a previous neuro dx me with probably isn't. Most partials are known by those around the person having them. My fugue as my T called them have never been known by anyone else. I've had them all my life they can be very long, I have lost days, I have been dressed in different clothes, met people I don't remember meeting, the list goes on. She has been a T for a long time and has had numerous people with DID so that made me feel better although one voice inside has a hard time with this. I described all my lastest fugues. We discussed why I thought they were increasing. No clue. She did said that for a good deal of people with DID I am at the age where it stops working and you basically come unravel especially if another big event sets you off, like it did in my case. We discuss my bad news. I still cant get into that online but I will later....Anyway, all this made me very unsettled. H and I went to a football to meet our daughter and on the way I had another fugue. I was feeling very unconnected with my body. Half in Half out. I didn't want to be around all those football fans especially since it was a big rivalry./ Well to make a long story short, we were sitting in the other sides' section and by two very loud and obnxious fans who were too close, it was hot, body orders all around, I was already feeling disconnected and I felt my self switch and start yelling at this guy. Luckily before it got too ugly H yelled my name and pulled me back which exactly what it felt like. The voice doing the yelling and the words were not mine. I couldn't not really see the guy I could hear the words and knew it wasn't me. This isnt the first time, I forgot on the way home from therapy I was singing to the radio as I needed to separate from all the therapy etc. and a voice very different from mine came out and was singing instead of me. So T brought to the surface another alter (T said I could think of them that way if that makes me happy, I don't know yet what does). I had to get up and leave the stadiium seats and stand in the area by the bathrooms because I knew if I went back to where we were I couldn't control the switching. And my head started hurting something fierce which the T said was from the switching. She has so much information for me. More on that later. An usher asked me what the problem was insteading of going into that and him thinking I was crazy, I told me I had no room and the guys were too close and I was going to have a panic attack. He graciously found me and H better seats. But the rest of the game I was sick at my stomach and wanted to bolt and still felt like I could lose my body very easily.
My therapist says that research has shown that the reason meds are not always effective is that one of the alters/entities whatever you want to call it, I still am shaky on this, can have a disorder like say migraines or diabetes and another not. That is why meds are not always effective. Interesting. She says they have done tests on patients where one entity had seizures that showed up on eeg and then on the others they didnt.
I thought maybe T would bring some things up I just realize how fast. The good is she helped me a lot and I trust her for some reason. She is going to see me more often as much as I need. The bad and the ugly is how shaky I feel. But I guess I need this. The good is she said I only need to integrate as much as I am comfortable with as it works for me to be heathly. When I think all parts of me as safe then I am ok. I only hope I can get there. The ugly is I was probably sa as a child. NO memory. Somebody else has them. Maybe they will keep them and I won't know ever and that is ok. But my bad news in part is probably I was and I was way to young to do anything about it but dissociate and withdraw. I want to try and heal all my parts and try to understand them so I can understand me. I dont know me. I don't know where I have been or what I am going. I do know I have a long road ahead and I dont know if my family realizes it or understands but for my sanity I have to take it. I hope they stay with me for the journey.
poster:rskontos
thread:787697
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070929/msgs/787697.html