Posted by Dory on September 27, 2007, at 7:47:53
i had cancelled then un-cancelled... i am swamped and stressed and feeling like i couldn't go because i couldn't process but then like i needed to go to stay sane. i was kind of counting on him helping me calm down...
now i feel even more stressed. i can't stop the irrational idea that my cancelling the first time caused this...like it's my fault.. that i starting some kind of domino thing that ended in this. It's my own fault for considering going back down to one session per week.
ok.. i know i am overwhelming myself. i have learned lately that when i start to get that way, or if T and i talk about something deep, i get this weird drowsiness come over me... hard to focus my vision.. hard to think... hard to listen or follow what he says... and then later i don't remember any of what he said. What does that mean? what is happening then? i'm too afraid to ask my T.
don't know how to handle the stress today. :o( so worried.. so scared. i'm a failure. No, really.. i am. i've just been dumb enough to have kept trying when it has been impossible to make it. i am settingmyself up to fail now. Why didn't choose to try to be a plumber or even an office assistant? Something practical, something that could possibly, potentially result in a rewarding outcome? Why did i have to choose a field in which "success" is almost a ridiculous idea? One where i will likely have to suffer low end jobs without hope of ever being secure.
i'm a nervous neurotic mess. i tell my T all the time i am *not* real people. i'm a freak, a genetic mistake.
i'm going to be a homeless baglady. :o(
poster:Dory
thread:785479
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070916/msgs/785479.html