Posted by Paxo on May 4, 2007, at 17:13:34
I have been feeling extremely hopeless about my prospects of ever having a normal social life. I am just about finished with my first semester in college away from home and I feel I haven't made much, if any progress with my social skills.
I've always been a quiet person, and starting in middle school I became more and more isolated from my peers. I had maybe 1 or 2 friends from then on and into high school. 10th grade I started feeling depressed and was prescribed many different medications. I switched schools my junior year, thinking the people at the previous school were just stuck up. I realized I was wrong, and it was just something about me that kept me from making friends. I basically lost all my motivation for everything, barely making it through my senior year in high school. I decided to stay at home and go to the local community college while I try to figure things out. But instead of working anything out, I would just ignore my problems and play the computer or sleep all day. After two years at the community college I decided to go to the state university and this is where I am now.
Right before leaving home I saw a pdoc. I figured my problem was social anxiety, so I tried the Klonopin and Provigil combo. It helped a little, but I still wasn't making friends at the university. Even with the anxiety removed, I just don't know what to say in conversations. I feel my social development is so far behind everyone else, and I just get overcome with feelings of inferiority.
I try to never turn down any chance to do something social, and the other night a girl on my floor asked me if I wanted to hang out at her friends apartment. I ended up smoking pot there and it seemed like all my problems I've been trying to ignore surfaced. I've smoked before, and only a few ocassions has the high been pleasurable. I always think, "maybe this time it will be different", but it rarely is. When I'm high I feel like I get insights, very depressing ones. Such that I have no freewill, that my social akwardness and lack of skill in conversation is permanent. When I'm high it is so difficult for me to speak, I become extremely self-conscious as my voice seems to tremble. And I feel so inferior to everyone else as they carry on conversation and I'm just sitting there staring at the table.
I just don't know what to do, I can't go on feeling so alienated. I started seeing a therapist, and she suggested cognitive behavior therapy. It sounds interesting, and I'm definitely looking for some kind of social practice program. Maybe I should try medication again?
Sorry for the long, rambling post. I'm just trying to figure out exactly what my problem is, why I have trouble expressing myself and relating to others. Anyone else ever feel the same way?
Paxo
poster:Paxo
thread:755835
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070419/msgs/755835.html