Posted by bil on March 8, 2007, at 19:57:25
and I don't know why. Don't even know how to put it into words, really.
I've known all my life- or ever since I can remember; that I was a misfit. Not sure why. My first memory of disassociating was when I was about 4-5 years old... but I don't have many memories. Just sadness. I think I've always been depressed.
Self-injury; self-loathing; hating myself all the time... I used to think that's just how I was.
I'm starting to understand that's just not 'normal'...(I saw a website listing the traits of a 'normal' family tonight, and I LAUGHED!! You've got to be joking, right??)But this is what scares me- we LOOKED normal. On the surface... but we weren't. I am just not sure why. I even tried to contact a close family member to ask them about some issues- their response was that they thought we were a nice 'normal' family... so why are we all so messed up??
So, so disfunctional. I don't know why, or how to even start trying to heal myself. I keep trying, but it's such a struggle.
No T. at the moment, (on the waiting list) so I keep trying to do things on my own. But I am so afraid, because I know (now) I didn't get this way on my own. WHY am I like this?? and how am I supposed to get better, when all I'm given is a T. who (ooohhhhh...sorry, but she used to drive me NUTS) is about as much use as a f*rt in a hurricane?
I HATE feeling like this- I am trying SO HARD to heal myself, but it's a bit like trying to find my way out of a cave, blindfolded and there are MONSTERS in there but I don't know where- I might grope my way right into them. Then what?
bil
poster:bil
thread:739404
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070215/msgs/739404.html