Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 5, 2007, at 11:56:41
my mind is trying to stop me from contemplating the abominable. and everytime I get even tiny tiny bit closer to seeing what "abominable" is. I freeze. totally freeze up. forget to breathe. strong feelings of being overpowered.
i haven't been able to get this close in therapy (yet?) but i put innuendos in my last copy of my journal that I gave her.
and then today. I'm getting into a dissociative crisis and I don't know what triggered me. I know that I can write my way out of it though. I'm writing smoothly, fluently. I've got doodles and my handwriting is neat. and then BAM stopped. and ink spreads in a tiny circle because I've frozen with the tip on the paper. and I can't move. breathe in breathe out.
I'm so scared. I decided to push it a little further and get super-disconnected and write "about me" instead of "as myself". and it's there. I don't know what it is, so I typed into google.
Have you ever wondered if you were sexually abused
and then I read a small handful of little info sheets and it seems so unreal to me.
and I recall that chilling line uttered by my exT in passing me off to my newT. He said "you're really brave for having the strength to deal with this right now. Chances are the physical and sexual abuse started when you were very little..." and then he went on.
I've thought about that a lot. because I never once told him (or anyone) anything about sexual abuse. I haven't even told myself yet. how would he know? or did he f*ck up big time and plant a suggestion into my traumatized mind.
fine. okay. physical abuse- check
verbal and emotional abuse check check
neglect- checkbut CSA. and there's no words. just a few pictures and overwhelming terror. How is my adult mind supposed to deal with that? It just doesn't process.
T is going to be there. I guess she is helping me a lot. I want her to be there for me. Maybe she misses a session to be on jury duty though.
I did really well this time not to injure myself. usually the darkness and the dissociation come with sharp blades in their hands.
I feel so SICK. nasty sick.
poster:Llurpsie_Noodle
thread:738494
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070215/msgs/738494.html