Posted by Scentedgarden on January 11, 2007, at 19:18:56
In reply to Jealousy, Seperateness, NewYrs, Now -long***TrigSH, posted by ElaineM on January 11, 2007, at 15:59:49
I would think of it nicely. I don't deserve anyone. It would be luck - not a bad thing. It's fine.
PLease dont think like this about yourself , as it's just not true..it would not be fine!!!
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> I went back to my sessions right away cause he was so upset, and we read a huge print out he made for me. He called it an "intellectual masturbation" -- which i don't really get as a metaphor -- but still, the sound of it made/makes me want to throw-up. We talked and he kept asking me why I'm trying to force him to send me away. He wrote out three seperate times saying versions of, "you don't want to pull the trigger yourself". That made me ill. Some of the language he uses is f*cked up. His favorite running analogy is that in therapy we are "standing out on a ledge together, clinging to one another".This is awful stuff from this guy....his intellectual masturbation...! the man is a screw ball...and playing on you to believe he is better thsan you so he can get away with this perverse b*llshit..(just my opinion)
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> He said I'm trying to shut everything down, and give up on life, by not allowing myself to be loved. I don't want that kind of love. :'( I don't! He doesn't even know me inside at all! I don't care if that makes me an anti-social, hermit. He says that he'd get in trouble if he followed through on his urges, but then it feels like he's holding it over me. LIke it's only MY fault that we can't be together, and not also a rule he's trying to uphold. I didn't create the rules, but it feels like he blames me for them being there.Elaine I agree with Annie rose just walk away...i know its not that easy though...listen i know of a woman in a simialr situation but just not quite as overtly perverted as this therapist is being..but still he did the sexual abuse with her and she sued him successfully and a book has been written..i GOT IT AT THE BEGINNING OF JNAUARY DELIVERED TO THE uK. FROM THE STATES... Im guessing you are in the States already so ypu coulf find it easliy on the internet ...so if you want to i will tell you the author and title..?
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> But then he apoligizes so sincerely whenever he says things that upset me. Most of the time I don't even say that they do. He just emails stuff, or gives me letters, or says things, and then apoligizes for them next time,
This man is seriously f*cked up and neds to be shut down from practise immediateltLY ( MY oPINION)
And he really does seem so grateful that I talk with him. I wonder if he'd have gotten so upset if I'd never stopped writing diaries for him to read. [one interesting thing is that he's started to connect, outloud, that I stopped writing around the time he went on summer vacation, which is the time his feelings started becoming noticeable to me.yOU SOUND LIKE THE ONLY SANR PERSON IN THIS RELATIONSHIP...and it's a wonder bearing in mind whjat this nutter is putting you through...you are so NOT TO BLAME... you sound like the [ privacy and copyright information ]
therapist NOT this pathetic man..
Part of me just wants to get it all over with. Let it happen so I can stop worrying about it, and he can stop pushing, and wrestling with himself, and being so sad. Part of me doesn't care anymore. I'm already alone and disgusting. It's better to just give, than to be taken from. Sometimes I try and convince myself that it would be good to do. That I'm garbage that even my parents threw away, so if someone else wants me who's not angry and violent, then I should be glad. I know I know I know that's wrong. But I think it anyways! I'm such an embarassing mess.
YOU REALLY DONT WANT TO DO THAT!!!!
The part of you that you think wants to get it over with, thats the part this tosser (sorry) is counting on ..he is an abusive incestuous *sshole...and should be locked up!!!
YoU will feel a million times worse if you ever just do it...! PLz plz you said it yourself he doesnt even know you...he thinks youre a whore...is that the kind of *sshole you want to sleep with ?? NO NO NO !!! I can hear you shouting NO!!!!! is the answer...please read you message again the long one on this thread ,,and read it as if you were reading about your best freind, or your teenage daughter...how would you feel>/??? what advise would you give your freind? or your daughter..?
i KNOW ITS HARD TO DO THAT, ITS SO HARD TO HELP OURSELF, BUT ITS AT LEAST WORTH A TRY...YOU HAVE TO PROTECT YOURSELF ...!! NO ONE ELSE IS GOING TO PROTECT YOU FROM HIM...YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT YOU WOULD TELL YOUR FAVOURITE FREIND OR CHILD THAT YOU LOVE ...IMAGINE AND TELL YOURSELF THE SAME THING...PLZ PLZ PLZ... do not go to that place with that man..if you did it would probably destroy you in the end...so plz dont give in...
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> I also met with LadyT in person for an hour and a bit, before Christmas. But that was about something else that I've been having a hard time living with. I miss her so much. She emailed me once after New Years, and it meant alot. I get to go check-in in person again mid Feb.IM SO GLAD YOU MET A LADY T....Cn you start to see her more...and this nutcse of a man less?
why do you have to wait till feb to see her again..?
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> So that's the "T part" of what's been going on lately - a significant part but not the biggest. The rest is wearing me down too. I don't really care anymore - sort of. It's too hard and tiring to care. Lately I've just been going with the flow - whereever his mood leads us. He keeps pushing for me to tell him whatever I've been keeping from him. Said he wants to know with me so he can comfort me after and share -- it makes me feel sick to think of. But I've kinda just given up.GIVE HIM UP MORE LIKE IT...!!!!!!!!!! NO WONDER YOU FEEL SICK..you are having a reaction that any normal sane good person would have to this piecs of sh*t slimball mucous puss from hell dick head of an *sshole wanker, head f*ck is having on you...HE IS A PIECE OF CRAP!!!
i HOPE I DONT GET BLOCKED FOR THIS BUT SOMEONE HAS TO SAY IT...to point out that you are normal here your raction is normal and good...
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> One day last week he started crying when talking about "me" and my childhood and how I am now -- but I know it was really *him* he was talking about, and that's what brought his tears. He always refers to "we" -- says we're so similar, pasts and now. But I had no idea what to do then. I thought of going over to him to hug him or something, but everytime I tried to visualize it I felt my stomach lurch into my throat. He's so weak and fragile. I feel like a vat of poison corroding him with my stubborness and coldness.
HE IS THE POISON !!!!!!!!!!!!1HE IS A SH*THEAD WITH A CAPITAL BIG USELESS SH*T!
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> Yesterday we talked about how upset it makes him that I've let our emails dwindle down. He says he doesn't like not hearing what's in my head. Said he likes having my 100% attention when an email he sends gets me to reply. Says that if I try and write longer responses more that it could be an example of how I could get "closer" to him now. I don't think I can fabricate stories or things just to be writing him something - it's so much pressure in a way. I don't know what to do. I didn't write again now since our last meeting so he's probably gonna be upset or p*ssed off tomorrow.*sigh*THIS GUY WOULD BE PISSED OFF NO MATTER WHAT YOU DID..!!! he is not good for you..he is a dangerous evil nutter..!
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> ...Just another variation of the same sh*t I always write about. Sorry if I don't update much. It just doesn't seem like there's a point. And it's hard. I don't feel like doing anything at all these days. But it's nothing personal towards this site or the people - I'm afraid of nearly everyone these days. It's all me. Plus I think everyone reading here thinks I'm disgusting and stupid because I'm weak, a crybaby and a b*tch. I do tend to make people hate me -- I'm not very good with people or social things. So I'd understand, but it does tend to make me afraid to post, and even read, sometimes. Sorry if my subjects are pathetic or offensive. And sorry for when I'm in hiding or
lazy.with what you are putting up with im surprised youre able to be so blooming strong and together...please dont be afraid to read or to post....youre not pathetic your simple not...just as the grass is not blue you are not pathetic...
you can hide if you wan to and you can be lazy if you want to....but i dont hink youre lazy ...youre probably exhausted witht the energy this head f*ck is doing to you...
> Thanks for listening (and asking).i hope youre not upset with what ive asked you to think about, or what ive said about this weed from hell..if ive upset you i apologise a million gizzillion times...
I wish you well...I wish you good...i wish you stay away him...report him or just get yourself safe...i know its hard when we were never safe before...as children we never had a safe place so we dont know where it is or what its like..
but this lady therapist sounds like she is a good place for you to start..and you yourself have a wonderful understanding of this...
in a perverse way i wish my therapist would want me that way but thats cos im sick and she is \NOT... my sickness wants what it cant have...but my healing will come through her being a good therapist...and being ethical and morally good and doing whats best for me...she would never give in and have sex with me to please me and to shut me up...she is a good therapist, and im allowed to be the patient, you deserve a shot ata good therapist too..
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> blove EL
Love to you, and happy new year bless you ..!!!ScentedGarden x
poster:Scentedgarden
thread:721410
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070103/msgs/721464.html