Posted by bent on January 4, 2007, at 10:31:18
Over the past few weeks I have become sort of obsessed with trying to change my life. From physically being healthier to mentally. Things like not denying my past, forgiving others and myself…just letting go of things that I feel have held me back in my life. I want to move forward. I’ve been reading books and following their exercises (mostly writing), I have taken an interest in aromatherapy, and tomorrow I start acupuncture. Part of the forgiving and just examining my life has led me into my past to some experiences I had previously filed away and like to pretend never really happened. Two experiences in particular have been bothering me. Neither of which I have talked tom y T about because I really didn’t think of them as being problems that bothered me until I recently “opened” that file in my mind. One of these I know I can talk to my T about. The other…I can’t imagine ever speaking…or even writing. After thinking about these two experiences rather intensely this morning, I quickly slid into a weird funk. I was at work and I couldn’t do anything. I felt so depressed, so worthless, I didn’t want to write about it, talk about it or anything. It felt like nothing could make me feel better or make my life worthwhile. I just stared at things. I caught sight of the razor on my desk and it was like a light bulb went off in my head. Like the best way to get me out of this funk was to cut. I haven’t actually cut in over a decade until today. I held the razor for a little while thinking about cutting but also thinking that I shouldn’t. But I pressed it against my hand a few times until it cut. Small cut, maybe an inch. Not much to it, but it was like I woke up. For a little while I was jolted out of that feeling. Now I don’t know what to feel. Shame a little, but better at the same time. I have never had to tell my T that I cut myself. Do I tell her? She knows that I did when I was a young teenager. I don’t see her until next week and by then I will have talked myself out of it I am sure. Maybe I should I tell her about it in a message today so that I cant get out of it next week. I see my pdoc before I see my T though. I really don’t want to tell him. At least not before telling my T. And my T will want to know what I was thinking about and I can’t tell her everything. It’s too humiliating. I hate this.
poster:bent
thread:719249
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070103/msgs/719249.html