Posted by JeffSmith on December 29, 2006, at 3:15:17
Hi Everyone,
I'll try to make this a short as possible, but Im sure it will still be long so I practically beg that you read it and perhaps try to help/advise me. I know its only a matter of time before I eventually kill myself... I am an absolute mental/emotional wreck and my (so called) "life" has turned out to be a living hell from which I cannot escape.
Let me start with where I am at today: Im 37 and am now (and have literally always been) extremely depressed and unbelievably crippled by anxiety. I am the definition of the word "recluse": I have spent the past 11 years (since 1995) sitting in the house I live in and ONLY leaving when absolutely necessary- which equates to "only leaving the house about once per month to see my 'therapist' and do some necessary shopping (up until 2000 I used to see my shrink once a week)". The only other time I go outside of my house is several times a year when (only out of guilt) Ill see my family members. My roomate/friend is the only friend/social contact Ive had since 1995. I have no internet contacts and rarely talk to family on the phone. I havent had sexual/intimate contact with anyone in the past 11 years either. I have not worked a "real" job since I was 21 and have not worked any job since I was 24 or 25. Ive been on social security/disability since 1995: I get $700 per month. Its almost impossible to survive on that and if I didnt live in my friends house I would never ever be able to care for myself financially (or emotionally, or socially) and would absolutely be the type to go homeless- something Id choose to die over rather than doing so I would absolutely kill myself at that point. My "life" consists of literally nothing but sleeping then getting up and sitting in a chair, reading the internet, listening to some radio, watching TV and hangin with my cats... all day everyday... for all these years. The only exercise I get is an hour a day when I force myself to use my elliptical machine. My misery is profound. I dont know how much longer I can live like this and I wish everyday that I would just easily die so that I dont have to end up killing myself. I really cant believe Ive managed to hold on this long and live this many years in sheer misery... and as time goes by Im running out of reasons/rationalizations to not kill myself.
So how was my life before 1995 and my self imposed isolation? Almost as bad as it is now. I like to categorize my life into four convenient sections: #1-Birth to about seventh grade. #2-About seventh grade to about age 21. #3- Age 21 to about age 25. #4- Age 25 to the present.
#1. From birth till about seventh grade I was a very depressed kid with major social anxiety. My parents were useless as parents. It was all dysfunctional, but nothing really noteworthy of mentioning now.
#2. From about grade seven all the way through high school was the same: Again, extreme depression and unimaginable social anxiety. I hung out with several people and had a few "friends" sporadically but was basically a recluse all then as well. I was (and am) gay but because I always felt such social anxiety, unbelievable low self esteem and merciless criticism of myself physically (from myself) I was never able to even attempt to engage in any physical/sexual intimacy until I was almost 21 years old. In high school I was extremely skinny... just skin and bones with no muscle tone and I felt very ugly as well. In my mind (and probably in reality) there was no possibility that someone could have found me sexually appealing... and even if they did I was so utterly crippled by my anxiety and convinced how physically repulsive I was that there was no way I couldve ever engaged in any physical contact with any guy.
I could not pay attention in school due to the depression and anxiety, I learned nothing, I cut out all the time and was put in "resource room" (for all the derelicts) but finally managed to graduate a year late. I had a job for a couple months during school and one for a couple months after graduation but I was fired from both. I was so young and immature, mentally ill and in such pain I was barely able to function in life, let alone a job. At age 19 I enrolled in community college and went for two semesters.
#3. At almost 21 years old I was seriously planning on suicide but by that time I had gained weight so for once I wasnt a skeleton, my skin looked better and so did I... I finally felt just good/deserving/worthy enough of sex with another person so I decided that before I died I was going to attempt to meet a guy for at least sex and hopefully a relationship.
I got very drunk and met a guy (boring story of how so Ill skip it) who was up to my standards- meaning he was not ugly but not someone I would ever had touched had I not been drunk. I was only comfortable with guys who werent attractive/who I wasnt attracted to so I allowed myself my first sexual experience with this guy. I dont like being drunk and I wanted nothing to do with this guy sexually so after that night we just remained "friends". He constantly tried to get me to fool around with him and was apparently very attracted to me. He brought me to gay bars where I soon discovered that there were a good number of guys who thought I was actually "hot"!! I was even offered $150 by some guy to fool around with him. I declined but I very soon started to hang out in this "hustler" bar/restaurant in NYC where I immediately started to accept offers of good/decent money in exchange for "sex". These were older guys who I wasnt attracted to so I refused to kiss them and did very little else sexually with them yet they still paid me good money. It was all so new and unbelievable to me that people/men actually found me attractive and charming enough that theyd actually pay to be with me. This was probably the first and only time in my life when I felt good a bout myself. Extremely shallow? Yes. But its all I had to feel good about myself and my life.
At about the same time I started to "hustle" (almost 21 years old) I had also met another guy (separate from the hustler bar) who I developed my first and only "romantic" relationship with. He was attractive but not to the point where I felt I wasnt able to socialize with him (in any way): We really bonded fast and strongly. I had been living at home with my parents but a few months after I met (Ill call him "John") they moved across country. My choices were to either move with them or become homeless. John invited me to come live with him... in his mothers house. I decided to do so as Id rather have been dead than to have moved with my parents. We remained romantically involved for several months but I really wasnt sexually attracted to him so our relationship evolved into a sexless, weird co-dependant one where we were basically like a couple with no physical contact.
Also at this period of time I also decided to go back to community college: My sister had given me her very old car so I was (for the first time) able to drive around. In school I met a couple old high school "friends" who were also attending classes there and through them I even developed a bit of a social life. And this is how it went for about the next 3 years: I continued to make some money by hustling, I continued at community college (yes, I was there for several years before earning enough credits to ALMOST graduate), I lived with John and had some "friends" and social outlets. During this time I attempted to fool around with several guys I was attracted to (at separate times) but I always needed to be drunk to go through with it and even then there was NO pleasure due to the fact that my mind was in constant panic and I was as tense as a person about to be executed. I started seeing a shrink at about this time too: I was barely making enough money to live on and couldnt afford one so I had to see one who was picked for me at a local hospital. He gave me prozac but after a few months I realized it was doing nothing for me and neither was talking to this guy every week, so I stopped doing both.
And then as quickly as this small semblance of a "life" I had managed to develop started it began to fall apart basically all at once: First the bar where I was hustling at abruptly just closed. It was the only bar of its kind in NYC. I attempted to join escort services but nobody wanted me: They wanted guys with muscles and I had none. My money source was gone. Then my car completely died and I could no way afford to fix it or buy a new one so I was forced to sell it for junk. I had ALMOST earned enough credits to graduate from community college: All I needed was 1 credit/two classes of PE but I couldnt bring myself to do this. I had/have many specificities over where and when I was/am too panicked/anxiety ridden to be able to handle a situation and be able to function... and Phys Ed was waaaaay off my list. I could handle sitting quietly in class to a certain degree but having to interact w/ a bunch of guys in PE was just out of the question. So I had to wait until I turned 30 in order to actually apply to graduate since PE isnt required at that age.
I also couldnt handle the thought of getting a real job: I knew at a job I wouldnt be able to arrange things my way to where I was in the least amount of anxiety/panic/mental trauma and Id have to be around people who I undoubtedly would be extremely anxiety ridden by at all times... I just couldnt find the nerve to even try, so what did I do? I applied for and was granted welfare, and my life has been nothing but a demeaning, degrading downward spiral ever since.
My supposed "friends" had finished this school by then and were beginning to judge me harshly over my life. They were moving on to jobs, other schools and getting their lives together and I was falling apart. I knew what they thought of me: I was an absolute "loser" to them. I didnt need "friends" in my life who judged and couldnt understand me so I dropped them. They were the last "friends" I was to have. Around this time I also met a guy who I had a very brief relationship with. This guy I WAS attracted to and so this meant that I (of course) could not handle any physical/sexual contact with him. My life was a disaster and I had completely lost any semblance of self esteem I had managed to grasp in the previous few years: I had to end this relationship due to these reasons. I just couldnt take the anxiety and I gave up on trying to deal with it. This was the last physical/sexual/intimate contact I was to have till this day.
#4. And so this began the fourth and current phase of my "life". John was to be the only person to remain in my life and care about me (aside from my family). Johns mother also owns another house and at that time in 1995 she allowed John and I to move into it (this is the house I still live in since then). I had decided to try my best to get some mental help in an attempt to live a normal, healthy, productive life before it was too late. I was accepted for social security/disability (and discontinued the "welfare") which I am (fortunately or unfortunately) still on. I found a "guidance center" where I saw a shrink (social worker to be precise) from 1995-2000. Id go each week which was no easy feat for I had to walk to the train station, take a train, then walk to the center all while my social anxiety/panic only worsened and worsened. After some time I realized I was getting absolutely nowhere with her (my shrink). I was also taking paxil (prescribed by a Dr. at the center) by then but I felt no better and the "therapy" was honestly just a waste of time. I spent five years pouring my heart out, telling her every conceivable thing about me but it was useless: Id talk and talk and talk and she'd say very, very little. I wanted so bad to just quit going to see her but the fact is I felt too guilty to do so... I didnt want to "hurt her feelings". Plus I felt this was the only opportunity I had to see someone who might be able to help me and I was clinging to that hope that she could help. Well after five years (almost) she decided to leave the guidance center in order to open up her own practice... we had our last session and that was that. It was a sad event since I grew to really like her as a person, even though her therapy was useless, but I was honestly so relieved. Ive chosen to not see a therapist since then. I dont trust that Ill ever get someone remotely qualified to help me at this dump I go to (for several reasons).
Since my shrink left in 2000 I have been seeing (on a monthly basis) the nurse practitioner there: Ive been on prozac and paxil which did nothing but make me fat so Ill never take another SSRI again. Ive been on Wellbutrin and Klonopin (Clonazepam) for some time now but theyre also useless. She even had me on Abilify (an anti psychotic) for about a year because I asked for something to help with major anger. A few months ago I told her I wanted to start weaning off of it (I hated the way it made me feel) but she had the nerve to tell me I should continue to take the dose she prescribed: Rather than try to assert myself by telling her "no, I will not take it" I just allow her to write me the RX and then I just dont get it filled. Ive pretty much become convinced that medication is not the answer to any of my issues, but I still take the other two for fear of stopping.
What you just read has essentially been my whole life/lack of one and I am profoundly devastated over it and over the fact that I can see virtually no possible way out of this life other than suicide. My entire life has been literally wasted, Ive accomplished next to nothing and Ive missed out on everything, everything and everything else. Im rapidly running out of time as Im 37 now and have no desire to grow old. I wish to just find some mental peace, happiness, a career and a lover (or even just some casual sex) but I have a million obstacles keeping me from that and most of the obstacles are things that I dont see ever being able to change before Im too old and its too late.
I have virtually no work experience and I know how to do nothing: How am I supposed to ever get a decent job and career? Im terrified that Ill never be able to support myself. If John dies (or threw me out) Id be homeless with no possessions, no way to support myself, waaay too many cats and no hope. Again theres a million unmovable obstacles in the way of me working/finding a career.
The simple act of opening the front door to retrieve the mail from the box is something I can only do at night: I wont do it during the daylight since Im terrified that the neighbors will see me... they know Im a hermit and the fear of how theyre judging me over that (and over many other things) keeps me from allowing them to see me. The fear of what everyone is thinking about me/judging me over is the most overwhelming and damaging aspect of my mental problems and keeps me from all socialization. There's just so many intricate, crazy problems in my head/personality that I could spend days here detailing them but I am trying to keep this short.
I know I desperately need psychological help and life guidance if there is to be any hope of me ever getting any better and achieving any happiness but I also know that finding this help is going to be next to impossible mostly due to the fact that I have no money. No matter how much time I spend trying to figure out how Im going to get out of my misery I always end up with the same conclusion which is that unless a "miracle" occurs then Im never going to get out without killing myself. I dont know how much more of this "life" I can take before I cant take it anymore: Ive been in such pain and misery for so long (literally forever but more so as more time passes) that its all that I know and I fear that I WILL be able to tolerate this exact life for perhaps years more to come before I finally end it.
So why am I writing here? Because I clearly dont have anyone to turn to for help or advice. Im just desperately hoping someone here will be able to give me any miracle answer/advise. Tell me how I can find a good qualified shrink with little to no money who can actually help me. What else can I possibly do to get better? Is there anyone here who will rescue me from my life?
Thanks for reading all this.
poster:JeffSmith
thread:717185
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061210/msgs/717185.html