Posted by Lindenblüte on September 24, 2006, at 19:18:50
In reply to Re: Lindenblüte is on alert ****suicide SI triggers* » Lindenblüte, posted by muffled on September 24, 2006, at 17:56:46
Hi Babblers,
(listening to Prokofiev: Romeo & Juliet- Mercutio)My friend came over yesterday evening, and the first thing she asked for was a hug. She's about my age, and she's kind of going through a rough thing right now with a guy. Anyways, misery loves company. I asked her what the matter was? She looked so distraught. It's amazing how hearing somebody else's troubles can really distract me from my own. (Maybe that's why Pbabble is so soothing?)
So she was over, and we watched TV, ate some Indian Food, made chocolate cupcakes, she smoked a bit, and then I told her that I terminated with my Mr. T on Fri, and that I was getting a new Ms. T on Wed. She said it sounds really hard. And she asked me what was going on with me, that I was seeing T and pdoc so much right now, and having headaches and so unstable? And making jokes about dying and killing myself and how I won't have to do the dissertation afterall...
I told her that I had told my T something really hard, and that I had also told husband, and aside from that nobody else. That it was really heavy stuff-- are you SURE you want to hear it? Sure, she said. I'll be here. Tell me. What's up? (I trust her, because she was really nice to me this spring when I was working with Mr. T, my first ever encounter with mental healthcare.)
So, I told her that I was having really strong feelings for the first time in a long time, because I had gotten so adept at "turning off" and playing a happy face. And that the feelings were really intense, and often left me feeling really anxious and scared, for what was (for many months) no reason. And that in the last few weeks, I started to put things together, and last week- I finally started to get a sense of what the picture was. Since I had seen what the picture was- suddenly things were assaulting me- little episodes from my childhood and adolescence. Often that I had to experience something terrible for the first time with a sense of technicolor surround sound IMAX 3-d immersion. And it was terrible. That things were flooding me. Coming at me from left and right, and triggering me, and that I would either be at home, shaking with general anxiety and exhaustion of holding back my emtions for hours on end, or completely tuned out/blank for hours/ or having these vivid flashbacks/ or having these violent emotional outburst of grief, rage, sadness...
That I guess I was admitting to myself for the first time (as an adult) that my childhood and adolescence was pretty violent, and pretty abusive. That there may have been some sexual abuse too. That I wasn't sure where the brainwashing stopped and where the Lindenblüte started... (and you guys know the rest, perhaps better than even I know myself)
She was good. listened well. Didn't judge me, didn't get wierd about it. She said she'd be here for me. ((((((X)))))). And she called her ride to come get her, but he was busy, and she was already nodding off (halfway into the first skit of SNL) so, I gave her a blankie and a pillow and she crashed on my couch. We went for brunch and shopping this afternoon, and now I'm home. 24 hrs with X and I feel like I'm myself again. It's important for me to have these real life people to kind of "ground" me... prevent me from sailing off on some sea of turbulent neurotransmission...
-Li
(and that's what you babblers help with too... yes, I'm still liking my new haircut, and I got a little shirt today too, so that will be nice, and a free perfume sample... just distracting myself. Reminding myself what matters, and what feels right is not always wrong. What feels right is not necessarily brain washing)
poster:Lindenblüte
thread:688491
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/688810.html