Posted by wishingstar on September 18, 2006, at 15:56:29
I cried more today than I have cried in a long time. Today was so, so hard.
My suspicions were true about Anne. Randy and her did decide on Fri that I shouldnt see her anymore, and just as I suspected, she just wasnt going to tell me that.. thats why she kept telling me to just talk to Randy. Well screw her.
I had already called and said I wasnt coming back but hearing it from Randy made it more real. He told me to stop holding back the tears (I didnt think it was showing at all.. ha) and I just broke up. The sobbing kind of crying. I was trying so hard to hold it in. He kept saying its ok, let it out.. over and over.. and I just shook my head no the entire time. But I did cry. He gave me a chance to talk about how I felt towards him for this situation (not too upset with him, but I appreciated the opportunity). We talked about how abandoning it felt. How I just wanted her to get it and hear me, and how I just dont get why she wont do the little things... like check in with my regarding suicidal feelings.. knowing it would make me feel 20 times more heard. Why wont she? I dont know. I told Randy I'm afraid he's on her side. He said no. I still sort of think he is.. but he's on mine too, if that's possible. I just dont know.
After group ended, he asked to talk to me and took me in his office. He said.. before you sit down, come here..and gave me a big hug. Id stopped crying by then but I lost it again right away. He held me there for a good 20 seconds or so. Then we sat down and he sat next to me on the couch and held my hand.. he asked if he was too close.. I said yes. He said that was okay. When I feel vulnerable, I really want people to back away. But he wouldnt. I dont think that's a bad or inappropriate thing in this instance (although I guess it could be). He knows how much I'm hurting right now and how much I am hating myself and it really made me feel supported, if nothing else. We just talked for 5 or 10 min about how it's okay to be who I am, I'm not full of sh*t (thats my favorite line), all that.. I cried most of the time and just stared at the floor. Then he let me go and he gave me another hug.
I went back to the workshop that was starting.. the woman asked what the stressors were in my life now (it was a stress managemnet workshop).. and of course I lost it again, cried some more.. but got it under control pretty quick.
Later in the day, the psychiatrists office called and said they had to cancel my Friday appt. I've never even seen this dr before so I dont really care, but I started laughing and crying at the same time during the message.. it's just one thing after another.
Randy said there is a therapist about 30 mniutes from here that he wants me to see. He said that he would send his family to her and he really trusts her. He said she will get in your head and emotions and stay there.. and thats what I need. So I think I am going to try it with her. We'll see.
Aside from the incredible hurt, I am so, so angry at Anne for doing this to me. For letting Randy deliver the message. For talking to me Friday, hanging up like it was any other day.. knowing I wouldnt see her again. Our last session 2 weeks ago, neither of us knew this was coming so it isnt her fault, but it ended just like any other session.. I wish I'd known it was my last one. This would be so much easier if I could just leave her knowing that she heard how hard this was for me. But as it is, shes essentially just dropped off into nowhere and it doesnt matter. I'm thinking of leaving her a message to say I think it was a really sh*tty thing for her to do... but I dont know. I'll probably talk to randy about it first. I mean, is it really possible that shell just let it go like this? I'd like to think she wont, but she will. I just know it.
I have tomorrow off parital because I'm going to TRY to go to class. I dont think I'll be able to do it. We'll see. I called Laurie to see if she'll see me tomorrow, just once.. even though partial is great, I just need someone to talk to for an entire hour about this, where I dont have to worry about the rest of the group, etc. It's so last minute though, i hope she'll see me. I really hope.
I also saw the pdoc today. A new (better) one. She switched me off celexa (it was making me sick) onto lexapro.. I guess it has less side effects. She wants to add a low dose of lithium in a few weeks.. I'm not bipolar, but she thinks itll help with the suicidal stuff. Who knows.
Sorry this is so long. I broke down in tears several times while writing it. I just have to get it out. It hurts SO bad you all... it really hurts. It just isnt fair. And there are the tears again...
thanks for reading.
poster:wishingstar
thread:687136
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/687136.html