Posted by llrrrpp on June 16, 2006, at 22:21:53
So, I am in the midst of badness right now. I had about 2 weeks when I felt like my depression was lifting, but this week it's been 5 bad days out of 7. I'm getting to the point where I don't feel like I've got much power to fight it.
This morning I lost it. I got to work. I'm sitting at my desk, feeling positive self-hatred, self-loathing. Shame that I am so slothful, that I haven't gotten any work done in so long. Apathy- the only thing I want to do is go home and stare into space, sit in the dark and wallow.
And so. I am overcome with myself and I send my boss an e-mail. T has been asking me for some time to tell her how i feel when she treats me like garbage. Actually, she's not really my "boss" but rather my advisor, my mentor for my dissertation. She's been my boss in the past, but right now I'm not doing any research for her. Anyways. The mentoring has been sorely lacking lately. She's been incredibly overwhelmed, stretching herself too thin, and occasionally snapping. recently, classes ended, so her teaching duties are over for the year. Her big grant was submitted 10 days ago, and so she's trying to get involved with her mentees again. she's a nice woman. Scatterbrained, maternal, kind. So kind that you feel guilty to say bad things about her, even when she frustrates you.
Anyways, two days ago, she asks me and S. (another student) to meet the following afternoon at 2pm. S. and I prepare our work. By this point in the afternoon, I'm not feeling well at all, insomnia the night before, deep depression, melancholy. we wait, and wait. Finally, at 3 she waltzes in, goes into her office. At 3:10 I ask her if she's ready to meet with us (the meeting was her idea after all). I was SO furious with her nonchalance. It turns out she was late because she was buying FLOWERS for her garden. That's fine. no problem, but just tell us, call, or schedule the meeting for another time. what a shi**y excuse.
The following morning (this morning). I was still feeling depressed. I sent her an email that I was not doing very well, apologizing for slow progress on my projects, giving her details about my struggles to attain functioning. (she knows I'm depressed). She emails back one of those "I'm sorry, let me know if there's anything i can do...- type emails" Well. I took her seriously. I e-mailed her back that she could help me by being on time to meetings. That when she's late (usually about 30 minutes late, on average, in the last 18 months) that it hurts my feelings. That I'm too sensitive and that I take it personally sometimes. Also that it's hard to get motivated to prepare for meetings, and take them seriously when the your advisor is consistently late.
Then I leave the office for an hour
I come back, and do some work on my project with S., who is being awfully nice to me. Turns out that our advisor had been in to see her. llrrrpp is having a really hard time right now. I'm worried about her. She's not doing so well (which is all true). S. said I'm really stressed out, and that I haven't been sleeping. Then she asks S. about her mental status (which is psycho, but S. fortunately unaware, and still maintaining some level of funtioning- ignorance is bliss?). I guess my advisor is trying to be a mommy to us.
Anyways, I heard about my advisor's positive interference, and she emailed back later about how she needs to try harder, and apologized and said that she cares, etc etc. I was crying for, like, the next 3 hours. I couldn't stop the tears. (drank 2 liters of water today- did I dehydrate myself?) Kind people caring about me. I didn't feel worthy. I felt like an invalid. I felt bad for calling my advisor out on her negligence. BUT, I also felt tears of relief that she does care after all, that I did get those pent-up feelings off my chest, and that she responded sensitively. Guilt and relief. Shame and gratitude.
I wish she weren't such a nice woman. She's so maternal, that when she inevitably ignores you, says something brusk, or heaven forbid--keeps you waiting all afternoon for a stupid 30 minute meeting-- that the pain is that much greater. If she were a nasty mean person, I don't think it would hurt so much, but we expect more from her than she can/will give. And then I feel rejected (a couple other mentees express similar frustrations, but they've channeled into anger, rather than learned helplessness)
Anyways. thought I would get that off my chest. I still feel really down. Incredibly lonely. Isolating myself more than usual lately. Incredible apathy. Pain. experiencing some mildly unpleasant side effects from a recent medicine change.
I guess it's a good time to give me a hug. I'm almost at the stage where I'm going to isolate myself from babble. get myself blocked, just to simplify my life. but... Then I'd miss hearing about Deneb's hamster though (half-grin's the best I can muster)
(all cried out for the day)
-ll
poster:llrrrpp
thread:657859
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060615/msgs/657859.html