Posted by Racer on April 21, 2006, at 1:05:01
Lately, the topic of getting external approval has been a big one in therapy for me. (Uh... I wonder if this has anything to do with taking classes?) It's come up about my "thing" about grades, and today I was pondering it when something suddenly didn't feel right. It's hard to explain, because I don't quite get it myself, but lemme try to put some words around it...
There is some part of me that "needs" the grades for the obvious reason: they show that I am "Good Enough." And there's a part of me that just glories in them, because it feels good to do something well, not because it's external validation, but because it feels good to have learned the material well enough to earn the grade. Just that feeling of accomplishment, you know?
But it feels as though the biggest portion of my "need" to get all As -- and especially the part about anything less than 100% being a disappointment -- is tied up in a fear of showing vulnerability. Huh? That's the part that I don't quite get. It feels to me as though what I was experiencing at the thought of not getting an A was that someone would see my weakness.
Again, I'm sitting here with furrowed brow, trying to work this out, but that's a big part of what I think is going on. And it's part of the AN, too, because I no matter how awful I feel alone in my "new" body, I don't feel the fear until I think about being seen by anyone else.
So, sit yourself down, steeple your fingers, and tell me if any of that makes any sense to you? Or if you've noticed anything similar yourself?
Or just tell me I'm weird...
poster:Racer
thread:635445
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060406/msgs/635445.html