Posted by daisym on April 3, 2006, at 23:55:35
My therapist told me today that I'm narrowing my circle again, pulling in and trying to handle stuff all by myself. I nodded agreement. I just feel that I've deepened things to a level of aloneness, that the stuff I'm looking at is ugly and so personal that I don't know how to share it, or get support for it. Not even from him really. He asked me about the board and I said I was "dropping and running" -- writing posts and then abandoning them because they are just so painful. All the replies are nice but they are too nice, I ache when I read them. I told him I'm not present enough to be of any help to anyone, and so I can't ask for it either. He asked me if that was my plan for therapy these days - to drop stuff out and run from it. Yup, sounds like a good one to me. I told him he should be very afraid right now, because all this anger and anxiety and sadness are coming at him. I'm having outbursts in therapy that are completely beyond my control. It terrifies me. I'm afraid I'm going to hurt him or someone else I care about with all my hostility. He says he can take care of himself and that he doesn't want me to push him away. How can I not?
I can barely keep my eyes open when I try to write these days. I'm sorry. I wish I could support everyone more but I can't. I'm just not the kind to only take. So I guess I should just take a Babble Break. It feels true as I write it. I want you all to help take care of my friends, and since you are all my friends, take care of each other.
Love and hugs,
Daisy
poster:daisym
thread:628551
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060325/msgs/628551.html