Posted by Anneke on January 16, 2006, at 9:05:27
In reply to Just a broken record here, posted by jammerlich on January 15, 2006, at 23:45:06
Fairywings had a great post, I'm not sure how much I have to add....but I'll try.
> I've been hesitant to start this thread because I haven't anything new to say, really. Former T's phone call to thank me for the Christmas card has been weighing heavily on my mind and I still don't what course of action to take.
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> I just know that I hurt....a lot.I'm so sorry you're hurting....I've been thinking about you, wondering what decision you've made, but I didn't want you to feel pressured in any way.
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> I think I've been doing a good job of hiding it though. Doing so seems like a necessity because when I don't my husband just ends up going on about how hard it is for him to see me "like this" and then I have to take care of him and myself. There's no energy for that right now. Most every night, after he goes falls asleep, I go to another room, curl up in a corner and sob. I have to, otherwise I think I might implode.That is so hard....is that a familiar feeling? Having to hide how you're feeling, feeling like you neeed to take care of other people's feelings? (It is for me...)
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> So you guys, you lucky babblers, get to be subjected to the thoughts that have no other place to go....That's what the board is here for!
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> T told me back then that I was too ambivalent about therapy and that was one of the reasons I couldn't come back. I really don't think I was. Therapy - I knew I needed it. I wanted help, some guidance. But the relationship - I hadn't bargained for that. It terrified me and I'm not sure she really understood that. I'm still terrified about that part though. Does that mean I'm not in a place for therapy?To me it sounds like a perfect place to be in therapy....if you're ready to really look at the relationship and the feelings surrounding it. I guess not everyone would agree with me, but my feeling is that if the therapy relationship is bringing up this much feeling in you, then it's something really important to look at.
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> If I went back, I'm not sure how I'd want her to be. I think maybe my boundaries were the ones that were so rigid, not hers. She used touch some and sometimes we'd sit near one another and there were times I thought that was what I wanted. But I could never let myself soak it in. I would just beat myself up for being so childish. I'd never wanted closeness like that before and I HATED that suddenly I did. It felt dangerous to allow it and I was in a perpetual state of fear. But guess what? I STILL want it. It's like a fire was ignited and I can't put it out. Only now, after what happened, I'm even more scared. So if I went back, I think I'd want to be in self-protection mode and keep every kind of distance there is. But that's such a sad feeling. Only I'd still want her to be like she was and I'm afraid she might not be and it would hurt knowing she'd sort of withdrawn from me. Yet I want to be withdrawn from her. I know it's unfair and juvenile, but it's what I want.Have you done any inner child work? I don't know any of your history, but it sounds like you may have been "taught" that closeness (emotional and physical) is "bad" or "needy" or leads to bad things. Or that you need to be independent or can't rely on people.
I'm talking from personal experience here, so bear with me....I understand that feeling of wanting to soak up her attention and touch, but beating myself up for wanting it. My therapist also uses touch (which I think can be a very powerful tool as welll as one which needs to be handled very carefully) and slowly I've been able to accept my need for safe touch and a close emotinal relationship as normal. But, it's not a linear process....there are times when I feel myself closing down and we talk about why that is, and it's usually because the little girl in me is feeling really needy but the adult me needs to feel in control and the best way I know how to do that is to put up walls all around. It's hard to negotiate between what the younger you needed and didn't get (at least in my case...my parents were really unemotional and physically distant) and what the adult needs to be a functional being.
It sounds to me that your past therapist is someone who will work with these feelings, yes? Because, in my opinion, for what its worth, they need to be worked on gently and with great understanding. I'm still not clear on what her definition was of your ambivalance, though, and that's the one thing that bothers me about the way your therapy ended. It's my feeling that it's her job to help you through that ambivalence because these kind of overwhelming feelings that we clients can have for our therapists ARE confusing and scary and painful and I don't think anyone would submit to them without a lot of ambivalence about whether or not they are really helpful. I love that my therapist has been through her own healing process and so she reassures me that she understands. And, she's so good at working with the scared, needy little child who needs her and the adult who wants to be very rational about the whole thing.
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> There's so much more I wanted to say, but I just can't get it all together. I'm exhausted and I need a kleenex. I hope it's ok if I come back and post more later.Please come back and post.....I'm not sure if anything I wrote it too helpful; I feel like I'm in the midst of the process you're talking about, so I can't reassure you about the end result, but it has gotten so much easier and there is such a relief in just talking about the feelings. I like Fairywings suggestion about making the appointment and sending her your written thoughts ahead of time. I did that a lot in the beginning of therapy and still do from time to time. And, really, it sounds like your feeling pretty awful right now....what do you have to lose?
One final thought....are you/have you ever been on medications for depression? They can really help get you through these rough spots until the therapy starts to take hold.....
(((Jammerlich))))
Anneke
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poster:Anneke
thread:599520
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060110/msgs/599591.html