Posted by fairywings on January 13, 2006, at 19:54:14
In reply to Something I have learned from therapy, posted by happyflower on January 13, 2006, at 10:13:08
> I believe I have really learned what is missing in my marriage through therapy.
Hi (((hf)))
***I'm sorry your marriage is so sucky right now hf, but I"m glad you're coming to realize what's missing, and you're beginning to live your own life, in order to be happy. If your husband doesn't want to grow and be happy, it's good you can move on and not become angry and bitter.
**I think I'm beginning to realize what's wrong with my life through therapy hf. I know I have a lot of changing to do.
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> In therapy, I am the focus, in my marrige I am never the focus, I come last.**I have begun to realize through therapy, not by anything my T has said, but just the food for thought he gives me, that in my marriage (as in life) I often make myself the focus. It's been more in anger and frustration because things are not as I want - not enough communication, not enough true intimacy. My dh is happy to just have the status quo, mostly playing on the computer, but he's willing to try to change to make me happier in our marriage. It's both of our faults, but I feel like I get blue in the face trying to talk about making things better, trying to do things to create intimacy, going to therapy trying to change, but so far it hasn't changed anything. Now I'm tired of it, and I think I have enough fight in me to really insist it get better.
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> In therapy, I like who I am , in my marriage I do not.**Hopefully one day I'll get where you are, and like myself. I'm so happy for you that you like yourself, that's key to living a happy, fulfilled life.
Through therapy I've realized I don't like myself anywhere, that's my problem, and I'm the only one who can fix it. I feel sorry for my family for having to put up with me, and I"m mad at myself for taking all these years to realize what a complete and utter failure I am. No pity party, it's just that what I've always wanted I haven't been willing to work for, so it's my own fault if I don't go after it and achieve it.
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> In therapy I receive motivation, in my marriage I do not.**So far I"m not really "motivated" in therapy, at least not in a gung-ho sense, but through his gentle questioning and challenging the way I think about things, I've begun to understand I have to do this, not try to sluff it off on someone else. I will always be unhappy unless I face my fears and move forward. I have never been challenged in my marriage. My husband has always been VERY good to me, but maybe it has not been what I needed. Maybe I needed a kick in the butt!
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> In therapy at least someone smiles at me, in my marriage there are no smiles anymore.**I'm so sorry hf. This would be incredibly painful. My husband does smile at me, he is very kind. My therapist is too. I need to appreciate both more, and tell them both more often how much I appreciate them.
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> In therapy I am my true self, in my marriage I lost myself somewhere.**I am glad you can be yourself, that you really know who you are and what you want. I don't know who I am, and I think in therapy I will find out.....like it or not! Hopefully one day I'll even like myself! ; )
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> In therapy I am accepted no matter how weird I may be, in my marriage I get dirty looks.**It sounds to me like your husband is very unhappy with himself hf, and your new, happy self feels very threatening to him. I wish, for you, that he would go to therapy too, so the two of you could be happy together.
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> I know therapy isn't like a marriage, but I sure do miss what I get from therapy from my DH.**I can identify with this, I know how you long to be with someone who will connect with you and truly want you for who you are. A soulmate. I know now that I want a soul mate, who will communicate with me, connect with me, and work toward intimacy with me. My husband has said that he would try. We've been here before, so I'm hoping this time it will work out. He's a good man, so I shouldn't doubt him.
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> Is there anyone out there in a happy marriage?**I truly thought ours was hf. And there many times, when we're together, that we are very, very happy. Now I see that our marriage can be a happy marriage; we have a lot going for us. Unfortunately I see that any unhappiness I feel is mostly because I don't like who I am. My husband is a very confident, humble, caring, person. So it's up to me to change. I've been domineering, controlling, angry...you know a lot of bad stuff. It's amazing he's happy and that he hasn't left me.
>>Does it exhist or is it just a fantasy?
**I'm sure it does hf. Maybe though, not everyone was meant to have just one marriage, just one partner. Maybe sometimes we marry the wrong person, have different expectations, change and leave the other person behind because they're not willing to grow, stuff like that.
>>Why doesn't love last anymore?
**I think some of it is our cultural expectations of romantic love, which is really a western ideal, and pretty rare in other cultures. And I think a lot of it is selfishness - people who aren't concerned with the happiness, and what's best for their partner. I have been selfish, but I have also been a doormat. My husband has been the better of the two of us, but he also wasn't too concerned with having a deep, meaningful relationship, not bec. he doesn't want that, but neither of us are good communicators. Now maybe we can try harder.
>>Are all husband jerks eventually?
**I don't think so. Sometimes it's just one partner is immature, in my marriage it's me, but then again I can't take all the blame. Together we've not known how to build the intimacy we need.
>>I wonder if my T is a jerk in his marriage, but nice to everyone else like my DH.
**Maybe. Ask him! ; ) I'd love to hear what he has to say! ; )
fw
poster:fairywings
thread:598649
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060110/msgs/598820.html