Posted by Racer on January 12, 2006, at 14:57:31
This has turned into a very bad week. Today I'm mostly lying on the sofa, with a quilt over my head. I just want this to stop.
Anyway, I'm still going over that whole "trauma" thing. Maybe part of the reason I object so strongly is that I hate to see myself as damaged, as pathetic, as incapable. Believe it or not, my image of myself is as someone who is Smart, Capable, Strong, Able, etc. Even during really bad spells like this one, that's still there for me: I still feel as though I *could* do just about anything. Of course, there's a heck of a lot of self-criticism because I don't get things done, since after all I could, but with the whole trauma thing, it turns that on its head. I start to feel as though that image of myself is delusional, that I'm actually pathetic and ineffectual, and that there's no reason to keep trying.
Maybe that's part of what's going on? I don't know. Right now, I doubt my own insight into myself, so who can say how accurate that is?
And then there's the just plain sick of it all part -- I start remembering all the ways that I've failed, all the bad things that have happened that I could have prevented, all the things I couldn't even begin to know how to handle. And then I feel as though there's no hope for me at all. A lot of that stuff goes back to my academic failure, which is a really hot button for me. I really am smart, and I know that I have Failed To Live Up To My Full Potential. I haven't ever managed to do anything with my intelligence, except be totally [anglo-saxon based verb deleted] up by life. And I think sometimes that if I hadn't been smart, none of this would have affected me so much.
And I feel like such a Pathetic Loser -- technical terminology there -- for not being Grown Up. I don't know entirely where that part is coming from, although there's some resonance from The Therapist From The Black Lagoon and The Agency From Hell there -- "you need to work harder, it's because you're not willing to work that you're feeling so bad..." You know, wanting someone to do it for me. That's a big bad one, too. I really do want to be able to go and put my head in someone's lap and be petted or held. I want someone to take care of me. I want, on those days that I can't even get out of bed, to have someone else cook breakfast, and maybe just sit with me. Or maybe to have someone bring me breakfast in bed. I want someone to help me with the things I find too hard, for whatever reason. And there's no one there, and I feel overwhelmed by it all.
Thus, the quilt and the sofa.
Sorry to keep on the same subjects, but this is a tough time and I hope someone out there can lend me a little insight into all this. It's so confused, and I can't figure any of it out -- and therapy isn't every day -- so I'm hoping someone here can offer some help with it all.
Thanks.
poster:Racer
thread:598377
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060110/msgs/598377.html